The Method
by Zabzab
Summary: After failing his first genin examination, Naruto finds himself in front of the library. In a sudden bout of inspiration, he decides to enter and find a peculiar scroll. (It's an OP!Naruto story. I repeat it's an OP!Naruto story labelled as HUMOR!)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I read "One Punch Man: Naruto" by VaingloriousHound. It made me laugh hard and got my muse babbling.**

**All credit to VaingloriousHound, really. This is nothing more than a happy powertrip I hope you'll find fun(ny).**

**Edit: given a few reviews I received, I'd like to clarify: this fic is _NOT_ in any way, shape or form to be taken seriously. If you're looking for something with the level of care and realism and violence of Sign Here for ANBU, you will _NOT_ find it here.**

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Naruto Uzumaki pulled at his blond locks in frustration, swallowing forcefully the tears that threatened to spill. He had failed the graduation examination of the Academy. Of course, he would fail. It hadn't taken long for him to establish himself as the dead last of his class, spending more time clowning around than working hard, boasting about skills he didn't possess to whoever had time to lose to mock him.

Obviously, he had taken a stupid bet and had attempted to pass the graduation examination despite being not at all ready and being well conscious that he wasn't. However, it was a matter of honour and Naruto Uzumaki was not one to not put his feet where his mouth was. Even if his mouth had a tendency to run faster than his feet.

In a word rather than a hundred, he was an idiot. He knew it, somewhere deep inside but it was stronger than him. His blood felt like it was always right below boiling point and it was easier than peasier to get him going.

The eight years old sighed. He wasn't _mad_ really, more like annoyed with himself, especially considering that someone would get him running again soon and he would be too hot-headed to even recognize it for what it would be.

The boy sighed again. What to do, what to do? Absentmindedly, he flung his legs back and forth and started swinging. The old chains that kept the swing aloft started to protest vigorously at the sudden action. They were too ancient for an excitable youth like Naruto to play with them.

Gaining speed and height, the young schoolboy thought hard, the wind whipping his scrunched up face. It was a feat no one would have thought the blond boy capable of and, had anyone said to his face, Naruto would have noisily exclaimed his indignation. He was a clown for sure and he was dead last when it came to seating on a bench for hours and learning boring things but he wasn't _stupid_.

He was daring and hot-blooded, like any self-respecting boy of his age. That had nothing to do with being stupid, nah!

And so Naruto reflected on the possible reasons for his failure. It was hard because honestly, look at him, wasn't he awesome? The blond rose higher and higher on his swing and his visage slowly relaxed. No one could go as high as him on this swing, that was proof enough of his awesomeness, right? Yes, it was obvious to him so how come it wasn't to his teachers. They were the ones who were stupid.

His train of thoughts severely derailed, the blond kept on swinging. He had no doubt he would become a splendid ninja, no matter what anyone thought of his chance. He would become so powerful, people could not keep treating like he did not exist. A grin split the blond face as a brilliant idea came to him.

He would become so strong that he would become the next _Hokage_.

Laughter tumbled out of his mouth as the idea wormed its way through his brain and nestled comfortably in the centre of it. He would become the Hokage and then the people who constantly gave him the stink eye would bow to him and smile and whisper in respect and it would feel even better than the wind crazily whipping his face as the swing kept rising to dangerous heights.

Plus how difficult could it be to achieve such a goal when he was so awesome? It was evident to the eight years old and it dispersed all thoughts of his fresh failure and his very real status as the dead last of his class. Who _cared_ about knowledge and academic skills? What he needed was a way to become flashy strong, preferably by tomorrow. Then he would take the awesome hat of the Old Man and seat in his comfy chair.

The old, rusty chain of the swing decided here and then that it had had enough of the boy ridiculously stupid delusion and thought it was time to bring Naruto down to Earth. The piece of equipment chose to do so rather violently for added shock value and broke with little warning - if one considered the constant squeaking of protest to be little warning - as Naruto reached his apex.

Naruto was catapulted out of the swing and flew an exhilarating five good meters before gravity made him reacquaint himself with solid ground. A sickening squelch _echoed_ throughout the deserted schoolyard and Naruto would have cried out his pain if the impact hadn't robbed him of his breath.

Slowly, the blond got up, cradling a broken elbow against his chest and fighting to get air to his lungs as he willed the tears of pain to go away. Fighting the pain - he was used to it, having broken his fair share of thing over the course of his short years - he straightened himself.

Reality seemed to crash on his shoulders as he gave the ruins of the swing a dark look. He wasn't stupid. He knew he wasn't awesome. He was the dead last and nowhere near ever becoming a ninja, not even mentioning Hokage. He was a clown, spending more efforts into getting people to pay attention to him than into learning how to actually be a ninja.

What was he even doing in the Academy? Squandering his chance, that was what!

With the taste of ash in his mouth, Naruto limped away from the swing that had so rudely brought him back to reality.

It took the boy half an hour to walk back to his flat. The place was a little, run-down apartment he had been given by the Old Man after the orphanage had deemed him old enough to take care of himself two years prior. He didn't want to say he knew better than the adults but two years prior he had been six and hadn't known shit about taking care of himself.

He had had to learn on the job, with a little help once in a while from a purple-haired lady wearing a cat mask. The ANBU - so were called those select few allowed to wear the animal masks - had been the boy's saviour when he had needed to clean his flat.

Fumbling a bit with his keys, what's with his broken arm and all, he eventually got inside. He felt a proud smile at the squeaky clean sight. The temptation to be a slob had been strong but sister Cat had canned him enough to enforce hygiene. His stomach suddenly growled in protest and Naruto directed his step to the kitchen where he prepared a cup of instant ramen.

Why "instant" when it so clearly took three minutes for the ramen to be ready? Naruto would probably never know why. And that was one of the very few things he hated not knowing.

Instead of staring at his meal in the forlorn hope that it would be ready faster, the boy took a look at his broken arm and sighed. He healed fast, faster than what was normal he knew that but his arm looked like it was a bit too much. He might have to go to the hospital to set the bone right. He despised going to the hospital. The nurses and the doctors treated him roughly, unlike any other patient they had.

Not that they were the only part of the village population that regarded him as some indesirable. Konoha seemed to hate him for whatever reason. He had tried to ask around why people either glared at him in a mean way or outright ignored him but he had never received any answer. He had stopped asking after the Old Man himself had told him no one would answer him.

That had Naruto more than a little peeved but well, there was nothing he could do about that. He didn't have any parent to ask and the one person who treated him remotely normally had chosen to not give him any explanation so there was that.

The smell of ramen wafter over to his nose and interrupted the train of thoughts that threatened to plunge in a dark place he did not want to visit. Helping himself with his mouth to break the chopsticks, he used his left hand to messily eat his meal.

The ramen thoroughly cleaned, he threw cup and chopsticks and looked at his arm again. There would be no way around it. With a groan of despair, he exited his flat and made his way to the hospital.

As expected, the nurse did her best to ignore him and the doctor barely looked at him but Naruto got his arm set the correct way as well as wrapped in a splint. It was cumbersome but the blond knew he wouldn't have to wear more than two or three days before he was healed.

Maybe his unnatural healing was the reason people looked at him the way they didn't. Maybe he was a monster of some sort.

Nah, there was no way, right?

The boy slowly walked back home, the gentle breeze of late September ruffling his hair. Naruto closed his eyes and enjoyed the touch of the wind before he took a deep breath and kept on walking. Lost in-between thoughts, no particularly precise idea really occupying his mind, the blond allowed his feet to guide him. He wasn't in a hurry after all: he had already eaten, the evening was nice and he wouldn't have to go to the Academy for a few days considering a new batch of aspiring ninjas had graduated - _without him_ \- which would keep the teaching staff busy.

The blond was abruptly stopped as he met headfirst with the back of a taller, stronger man. With a yelp, he fell on his bottom. Before he could restrain his too eager tongue, he erupted in indignant blabber.

"Oy, you can't stop like that in the middle of the street ya know? That's just inviting people to bump into you, 'ttebayo!"

The boy internally groaned. Why couldn't he just get up and apologize, as it was totally his fault he had bumped into the stranger?

Oh, right, because the stranger would most likely give a glare balancing between fearful and hateful.

"Hmm, you said something?" The tall man answered with a drawl, one bored but not hostile lone eye taking in the form of a sprawled Naruto.

Naruto rose his azure blue eyes up and up and up and… up again until it reached the end of the _tall_ man with white, undisciplined hair he had just collided with. The man was wearing the standard garb of Konoha most elite ninja. He was one of the few jonin. Stars momentarily replaced indignation in the blond boy's eyes as it seemed the stranger wasn't hostile - just so incredibly bored - until what the man had said registered.

"Oy, I bumped into you ya know?!"

"Izdatso?" The man drawled again. "Hmm." He shrugged. "You're hurt?"

Naruto sputtered. No one ever asked if he was hurt, save from the Old Man and sister Cat. "No," he eventually answered, meekly.

"Good."

And at that, the man turned his back to Naruto, fished inside his pouch for a little orange book and started walking, leaving behind a flabbergasted blond.

"What?" The boy muttered after a full minute, having finally come to his sense. "Must have been dreaming or something."

He pinched himself and the scenery didn't change, which unsettled the boy further. He hadn't been dreaming. Huh. Shaking his head and stashing the surreal encounter in a part of his brain to analyze latter, Naruto got up and actually looked where he was. A grimace immediately marred his face.

Of all possible place, he was in front of the dreaded _library_.

"Urgh," muttered the boy, already whirling around to continue his trek home. He was taking his first step when a sudden impulse stopped him cold.

He had just failed the examination today because he lacked. There was no need to tell what he lacked precisely as he lacked everything. It took five full minutes of perfect immobility and intense concentration to grasp it but eventually, an idea crystallized in the centre of his mind.

What if… for once… he actually _tried_?

Naruto felt his eyes go wide and his jaw gape open at the utterly alien thought. His brain seemed frozen on the new idea. An idea that, for some reason, did not sound ridiculous _at all_.

What an absolutely novel, revolutionary, terrific prospect.

Academics were not subjects that especially interested him and that was putting it quite mildly. The fact was that he never put any kind of effort in learning the materials taught at school. There was no one to help him do so and no one would care if he didn't so he hadn't. Instead, he had chosen to campaign for attention.

However… what if he did it for himself?

In his quest to be seen by others, he had ignored someone: himself. He did want to be a ninja and no one would care if he failed. No one but him, that was established facts. So why bother? Precisely for him and him alone then! A smile, almost predatory in nature, blossomed on Naruto's lips and the boy slowly turned towards the library.

Yes. He would try, give it his best shot even. With a spring in his step, the blond entered the reviled building.

Naruto perused as much of the library's content as was possible for an entire week, drawing disgruntled glares from the librarian and ignoring them regally. Trying to read everything at once quickly proved to be impossible much to Naruto's annoyance and so the blond did his best to focus on things that held his interest.

He realized rapidly that there were none. Even with all the motivation in the word, everything he was attempting to read was so boring he had to fight to keep on. He often lost. Mathematics and sciences he didn't understand, History he didn't really care if it wasn't about the Fourth Hokage, Literature was mind-bogglingly sleep-inducing and everything about ninjutsu was so cryptic he couldn't get anything useful out of what he was reading.

He was ready to burn the entire building and its useless collection of demon-spawned books when the discovery happened.

Naruto was in the process of tearing his hair when he found an old scroll covered in cobwebs that had been obviously forgotten there something like an aeon or two ago. Out of despair rather than real interest, the blond grabbed the parchment and unfurled it on the table he had been occupying for an entire week.

The scroll was title "The Method" and it began like this:

"You don't like academics," mumbled Naruto, whose face instantly lit up with a smile. That was a hook he could get behind. "Because you're too stupid to understand them and you can't be bothered to put any effort because you're also a lazy sloth?" He continued on reading, his voice slowly dying the further he read the sentence.

"Oy!" He exclaimed, glaring at the piece of parchment. That had felt like a personal attack there. Someone noisily shushed in his direction and the boy returned to reading.

"Well fear not, you hold the tool to become a great ninja anyway. Written on this scroll you will find explanations dumbed down enough for your stupid brain to comprehend and a complete guide to attaining strength that even you and despite your idiocy will be able to follow."

Naruto had to fight the urge to tear the scroll in a million pieces. The temptation was strong but he would get a dressing down of the age if he did so so he resisted.

"Now a ninja has to heat healthy first and foremost. So get rid of all that chocolate you're secretly eating at night. You're smirking because you don't eat chocolate. Then you'll cut down on salt and yes, ramen is way too salty. So stop with the ramen, especially the ones in cups: they are super unhealthy. Seriously, you'll stay a squid for your entire life if you don't eat anything else."

Naruto slammed the scroll on the table and his head swivelled around. That was definitely way too close too home to be the work of chance. Someone was pulling a prank on him. With squinted eyes, the blond surveilled the library but could not detect anyone.

Suddenly, motion caught his gaze and he looked back down on the scroll.

"Don't you dare stop reading me, you lazy ass!"

With wide eyes, the boy yelped and jumped away from the scroll. It was alive! There was no other explanation for this specific line to appear as it had.

Wait.

Appear?

Carefully inching closer to the table again, Naruto warily looked at the parchment. In front of his flabbergasted eyes, ink crawled on the scroll and formed words.

"Ready to learn yet, you good-for-nothing?" The blond read silently.

"Oy!"

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**AN: leave a review if you feel like it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Last chance to leave the ship before it sinks. If you're still here, "Eye of the Tiger" should perfectly accompany this chapter.**

**Either that or "Montage".**

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Their first meeting had been love at first sight really. Naruto knew it, even if his companion would deny it at every turn.

"You're gross and creepy," had then read the scroll.

Yes, yes, love at first sight, definitely.

After being thoroughly insulted by the changing parchment, Naruto had brought the mysterious piece of paper home. The library staff had not blinked an eye at the irregular borrowing, likely unconcerned about the fate of the decrepit looking scroll. Well, it was too bad for them and they were even more stupid than Naruto.

Even the living parchment had agreed.

It did not take long for the blond to follow the instructions that would inscribe themselves on the scroll, the Method providing Naruto with sound pieces of advice, if in a very insulting and grating way.

The first thing Method - for lack of a better name, that was the way Naruto referred to the scroll - had upheaved had been the boy's diet, insulting the blond thoroughly each times Naruto would fix himself a cup of ramen and offering the boy numerous, easy-to-cook and cheap alternatives.

The blond eventually bowed to the parchment, seeing as Method would not teach anything until Naruto had learned to eat in a healthy way. Once his diet was fixed and Method was certain there would be no relapse, he tasked Naruto with finding a secluded place.

A good ninja kept his abilities a secret and as such, trained in secret. The logic of it was quite unappealing to Naruto. Where were the flashy jutsu and the daring moves? Where was the sense of excitement, of adventure?

The copious stream of insults he received as an answer - some that made him blush even but overall considerably enriched his vocabulary and anatomic knowledge - was enough to set his mind straight. And so Naruto looked for a cave to train with Method.

He found one quite easily. Konoha was hidden "in the leaves" indeed but it was mainly shielded by a valley. There was plenty of caverns in the surrounding cliffs, some obscured by the forest itself and Naruto found a comfortable one, near a little stream. The boy was used to camping outside of Konoha proper and soon, the cave turned into a second home for the boy.

In his eagerness to learn, his attendance at the Academy dropped considerably. Proportionally, however, his fitness reached new heights as he submitted himself to the gruelling training of Method.

He kept at it, indifferent to the world around him, for en entire month before sister Cat grabbed him by the ear one day that he was stocking up on supplies and, by orders of the Hokage, dragged him to his classroom.

The following day, as he complained to Method, the parchment informed him in a deadpan line of text that blending in was a part of keeping his ability a secret and that Naruto was stupid for not realizing sooner that even his absence would end up being noticed.

The boy pouted and refused to read the scroll for an entire day.

After that incident, the boy started to attend class with a certain regular irregularity, popping randomly at least thrice a week, training away in his secret cave during the remaining days. He had to quickly learn to give the slip to a rather persistent chuunin who taught his class, a young man named Iruka.

On the one hand, being forced to work on his stealth to escape the teacher so consistently made Naruto's ability in the specific field skyrocket. The chases themselves were pretty fun to boot: Naruto had never played "it" before and running away from the chuunin felt like it.

On the other hand and tt the annoying insistence of Method, Naruto had to actually pay attention whenever he chose to attend class, the scroll grilling him on what he had learned during the day to check the boy had been diligent. Naruto being as hard-headed as a donkey, it took Method threatening to withhold on any further training for the blond to get to work seriously. Hence, Naruto's worldly knowledge actually increased, if shakily, incompletely, and randomly.

If the boy had to be honest, it wasn't that bad. His new teacher, Iruka, actually appeared to give a damn about teaching him, if only for the sake of teaching and had a knack to come up with easy to grasp explanations for Naruto. He was constantly on the blond's case because of his skipping, which in itself caused weird, unknown feelings to stir inside Naruto. The insistence of the chuunin educator was endearing in a way and Naruto started to leave small notes of thanks and encouragement each time he escaped the angry adult.

Whatever the case may be, the boy undeniably got a taste for geometry and History out of Iruka's constant nagging. A year before, it would have been simply impossible to even conceive such a thing. Naruto himself had to double-check that the world wasn't ending the day he felt pride at finishing his mathematic and science homework.

Weeks turned into months and the strange rhythm continued for Naruto, the boy integrating half the knowledge of the Academy on one hand and the tricks and tips of Method on the other. Slowly but steadily, his training regimen increased further and further, his hastened healing ability allowing to munch down double the amount of physical work.

It was all fun and games for the young Uzumaki and soon, it had been an entire year since he had found Method.

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"Eighty-five."

The voice, slightly strained, echoed in the cave. The cavern should have been plunged in darkness given its natural orientation but a fire was actually lit and burning just at the entrance.

"Eighty-six."

The fire cracked and sparks flew. The voice kept counting, a slight tremor betraying exhaustion.

"Eighty-seven."

Something fell in the fire and sizzled. A gust of wind made the flames dance happily and a burned log dislocated and fell, raising a flurry of new sparks.

"Eighty-eight."

Method was crazy and Naruto was probably crazier, as he was willingly following the mad scroll's instructions.

"Eighty-nine."

Somehow stuck to the ceiling of the cave right above the fire, sweating abundantly, proud Naruto Uzumaki, nine years old, was doing push-ups (or was it pull-ups?), the flame licking his back each time he pushed on his arms. The skin was red and hot and stinging but it was nothing. After all, the boy had already fallen _into_ the fire once and _that_ had hurt. There was an ugly scar that had yet to heal on his back that was proof of that.

"Ninety."

Over the course of the year, Method had instructed Naruto on a number of little things other than cooking and ridiculous strength training. One of the ninja tricks the scroll had taught the blond was the nifty ability to stuck to any surface by moulding his chakra the correct way and channelling it through the relevant appendage. The blond had been overjoyed to learn how to use the mystical energy all ninja knew how to wield but it had soon turned into a new way for Method to torture him.

"Ninety-one."

Apparently, doing push-ups while sticking on the ceiling of a cave by constantly using chakra over a fire was the scroll's idea of a "decent, youthful workout". Method had promised "even more youthful exercises" were coming. The way the scroll had worded it, this unusual insistence on youthfulness, the strange wobbly calligraphy as if unhinged and the orange tint of the ink; all of it had sent shivers down Naruto's spine.

"Ninety-two."

The blond huffed for a second, one muscle in his left arm threatening rather seriously to lock up on him. Eight more to go and he would be allowed to rest. Water. The word sounded so fresh right now. Without pause - because somehow, Method _knew_ if Naruto interrupted his series - the boy kept counting.

"Ninety-three," he successfully spat, his throat tight with exhaustion. His entire body was slick with sweat, both because of the effort and the fire just below him but his fingers and his palms felt especially slippery and for a second, Naruto feared his chakra would not be able to maintain him stuck to the ceiling.

A minute later, the blond dropped from the ceiling, barely avoiding the fire, and hunched over. His arms were shaking and his shoulders felt like a brand had been applied on them. Every muscle of his core was wound tightly and his legs were like jelly. Even his neck was completely rigid. Yet somehow, the physical exhaustion felt amplified, strained more than it should have; all were signs of strong chakra depletion.

Resisting the urge to throw up and sprawl on the ground, the boy exited the cave and breathed a deep, lung-filling gulp of fresh air. He coughed as the inhaled fumes were expelled from his system. With uncertain steps, the blond walked the ten meters that separated his secret training spot from the stream and fell to his knee in front of the delicious, tantalizing running water. With crazed eyes, Naruto suddenly face-planted in the stream.

With coughs, snorts, and groans, the blond boy emerged from the water looking like a wet cat, his blond tuft of hair flat against his head, the impression reinforced by the whisker-like scars he had on his cheeks. Naruto looked for a second at his distorted reflection before he got on his feet and shook his head with energy in an attempt to dry his hair.

Looking up, he saw the sky was darkening steadily. Considering it was the beginning of November, it might have been something like five in the evening. He still had time before it would be completely dark. Exhaling deeply, Naruto turned towards the cave and found Method.

"I did it, 'Thod." He announced to the scroll with a beaming smile, eagerly awaiting for the ink to write the answer.

"Well done, lazy-ass, maybe we'll do something out of you yet," read the scroll.

Naruto ignored the insult - it was the only mode of expression the parchment knew of apparently - and smiled at the praise. "Do I go for the usual?"

"Yes, you idiot brat, go punch a rock, chop-chop!" The ink scribbled on the paper.

The blond grinned and positioned himself against a particularly flat portion of the cave wall. Assuming a simple stance he had been taught at the Academy which had been corrected by Method because "frankly, those good for nothing teachers of yours should be ashamed, idiots the lot of them", Naruto readied himself for his knuckles to bleed once more.

His legs were trembling, his arms were heavy as lead and his entire body was protesting against the very notion of _more_ but the blond soldiered on. No one would care if he stopped here if he took a break if he gave up. No one but him and Method. Naruto refused to disappoint the scroll. He knew it was just a stupid, magic scroll yet disappointing the one who provided him with his guidance was a blasphemous thought.

So with a huff, he punched the wall. Again and again, alternating between both fists by shifting his stance, the boy punched, slowly but surely smearing his blood on the rock, the flesh of his hands torn away to reveal the bones. Soon, had promised Method, soon it would be the very rock that would yield before Naruto.

First, however, Naruto had to suffer.

* * *

If anyone had bothered to look in the most remote row of tables in Konoha's library on this sunny day of June, they would have been greeted with a sight many still thought impossible. They would have exposed to the brilliant - and hilarious - spectacle of Naruto Uzumaki nose-deep in a book, trying to make head and tails of its content. More than one would then be surprised to see the book was about medicine, a field very rarely explored by ninjas, even experienced ones.

The fact it was a sunny day of June reasonably explained the absence of any public to do justice to the Uzumaki's little scene.

"Everybody gangsta until it's time to learn biochemistry," had mocked Method before ordering Naruto to read up on the medicinal arts, specifically anatomy, acupuncture, chakra network and balancing and various other things.

According to the scroll, one could not hope to train their body if they did not understand it so the damnable piece of parchment had tasked Naruto to learn "what the hell he was doing to his own body" so that they could "do it better".

The boy's initially strong reluctance was easily vanquished by Method using even more colourful insults and refusing to teach him anything else until he had put "his idiot brain to work".

And so Naruto once again visited the library to satisfy his strange master's orders, gathering all the material he could about ninja medicine and fighting his way through most of it, with lots of sighs, groans, wails of despair, and cries of agony.

The other readers did not even bother to shush the Uzumaki boy any longer, either resolutely ignoring him or maybe taking pleasure in his self-inflicted suffering.

With tears in his eyes and snot running down his nose, Naruto was currently fighting his way through a book discussing the application of acupuncture to heal and injure the body, to balance and unbalance chakra, and to stimulate the growth of certain organs.

The boy blushed when he read exactly what organ could be enhanced. He could not see any reason to enhance that specific part of the body and for some reason, it sounded naughty. Like the adult kind of naughty.

Despite his miserable outward appearance, the blond was actually doing his best to understand and assimilate the content of the book, as Method would grill him without mercy on it later on. Naruto knew that if his answers were unsatisfactory to the scroll, he would be sent back to the book again and again until he got it right. There was no sense half-assing it since he would not be allowed to anyways so he had resolved to give it his all.

His resolution did not make learning the material any easier. A lot of concepts were worded in strange, incomprehensible ways and he had to often whisper towards Method for clarification. The scroll would oblige most of the time or tell him to "move his lazy ass" and look in a dictionary.

Days then weeks then months passed as Naruto crammed as much medicinal knowledge as he would understand inside his brain. His attendance record at the Academy dropped spectacularly and eventually, Iruka proceeded to drag ten-years-old him to the Hokage's office to explain himself. The two adults did not know what to answer after Naruto told them he was learning about medicine, the boy actually proving his claim by answering in-depth a number of tricky questions asked by the Hokage himself.

At the end of the exchange, a deal was passed: Naruto had to show up at the Academy at least twice a week, Wednesday and Friday without fault, and he would be authorized to continue his self-study on the condition that he reasonably kept up with what was taught at school. The blond saluted and scampered back to the library.

It _had _been a Thursday after all, meaning he was free to do as he wanted.

Learning about medicine did not mean Naruto had it any easier when it came to his conditioning. Method imposed increasingly long run, push-up, squat, and sit-up sessions that the boy had to complete in an increasingly short time.

Six months in his tenth years, Naruto met a strange, green-clad jonin who seemed absolutely over the moon at the sight of Naruto sweating his body off in a mad run around Konoha at five in the morning. The man, Might Gai was his name and Youthfull Jade Beast was his title, had offered several pieces of advice to the boy, many of which Method had approved of.

Save for wearing a green onesie similar to the one Might Gai was sporting: that specific point had been refused by the parchment with a large "no" and a threat.

Apparently enthused by Naruto's "youthfulness" - whatever it might mean - Might Gai, who actually revealed himself to be an elite-jonin-level taijutsu specialist, offered pointers to Naruto about his taijutsu, correcting the young boy's stance, and showing him the various ways to throw a mortal punch. After surmounting his surprise at being talked to, once again positively, by a jonin he did not know, Naruto eagerly followed Gai's directives.

It was with his body constantly strained and his mind constantly fed new knowledge that Naruto hit his eleventh birthday.

* * *

"Nine-hundred ninety-seven."

Suspended above a roaring fire, Naruto completed yet another push-up. The flames licked his back but it did not hurt anymore. The scar he had gained the first time he had attempted the exercise, nearly two years ago he realized, was faded and nearly invisible: a patch of skin slightly paler than the rest.

"Nine-hundred ninety-eight."

A tremor coursed in his arms and a jolt of pain erupted in his shoulder just as his core contracted painfully. His body was protesting the treatment but Naruto willed the signals away. Pain was a thing of the mind and he had forged through it time and again, learning to take as just another information his body provided much like his sight or his smell. Pain was some sort of sixth sense by now.

"Nine-hundred ninety-nine."

To think that two years back he was nearly incapable of doing a hundred measly push-ups. It nearly made him laugh but he focused on the exercise instead, listening to his body like he had learned to over the past years. His breathing steady and his heartbeat leashed tightly, the boy pushed once more.

"One thousand."

A smile blossomed on Naruto's face as he counted the last repetition. Basking in pride for a second, he stayed stuck on the ceiling to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment washing over him before going down. With the grace of a gymnast, Naruto fell from the ceiling, avoided the firepit and righted himself on his feet without a hitch. Pain, the good kind, the kind Naruto had learned to appreciate after countless hours of self-inflicted torture, coursed through his body. Without a sound, the boy walked towards the stream and kneeled in front of it.

The boy then proceeded to faceplant in the running water as had become his habit.

Some things did not change after all.

A second later, Naruto emerged and shook his head, droplets of water scattering away from his blond locks like in a shampoo commercial.

Sitting in seiza, the boy took a full minute to relax his body, his controlled but powerful breathing helping the only sound in the little clearing bar the gentle song of the stream. Eventually, Naruto rose on his feet and walked back inside the cave to stand in front of a wall. The surface had been straight and almost smooth two years ago.

Today, it sported a sizeable dent, cracks running from the crater-like impact in a web. Naruto smiled and assumed his stance. His entire body hurt and no one would care if he stopped here, if he took a break. No one but him.

When his fist met the rock, it was the latter that exploded in a shower of dirt and smoke.

* * *

**AN: *whisper* Hey, you! Yes, you! Leave a review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: abandon all hope.**

**Or alternatively, enjoy.**

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi was the Third Hokage of Konoha. It meant, in everyday words, that he was the supreme leader of the Fire Country's shinobi forces as well as the dictator of the village and there was nobody to tell him what to do. Of course, no one put it like that. Being Hokage was all about being a gentle protector, a fatherly figure to the people.

Talk about a personality cult. The village's leaders even had their face sculpted out on the major cliff towering above Konoha.

Not that Hiruzen was a bad man, at least no more no less than any other dictator at the head of a military junta. Actually, he fancied himself a philanthropist and was a pacifist - but going through two ferocious wars as a fighter did that to a man. Compared to his homologues in neighbouring countries, he was a rather tame kind of man. Konoha had been founded by two men who believed in the Will of Fire, after all, the belief that one should fight for the good of the citizen rather than for purely personal greed and each Hokage ought to be a living embodiment of this ideal.

Like it was _any_ different in the other ninja village. Save for the notoriously mad second Tsuchikage, the other Kage weren't bloodthirsty monsters. They were simply military dictators who had the interest of their nation in mind first and foremost and had the tendency to overwhelmingly rely on war as a mean of diplomacy. Sure, they weren't keen on free speech and other small liberties of that kind but really, Konoha wasn't that different.

Speak directly against the Hokage and you'd find yourself in a dark cell without judgment faster than you could say habeas corpus.

True, some Kage were more dastardly than the others and honestly, Hiruzen had not forgiven Kumo for their most recent attempt at "extending their bloodline capacity" but it was by a margin. Hiruzen was far from guiltless.

Considering Hiruzen had evolved in this pile of shit for the better part of fifty years, including close to forty as a Kage himself, and had survived and won two total wars, there was one thing, however, that he was good at: not being surprised.

There were still situations he did not know how to solve for the best, that was only human and he wasn't Kami. However, situations he did not even know what to _think_ of were not common occurrences for him. He was too old to not have an opinion on everything.

As such, the behaviour of one Naruto Uzumaki - a child who had way too much resting on his shoulder to be ignored by the Hokage Tower, even if said child had no idea - was a true source of puzzlement for Hiruzen. It was almost like a breath of fresh air.

Naruto had been, until his eighth birthday, a bright orphaned child doing his best to be noticed by the village's population, who in turn did its absolute best to completely, entirely, thoroughly ignore him. The child was subjected to an unjustified - or totally justified if the average Konoha citizen were to be believed - ostracism he had done his best to fight with the weapons a child had: being loud, flashy, and persistent. In short, the boy was a brat but by circumstances much more than by natural character, an adaptative strategy to preserve his sanity.

The Hokage could have - should have, truth be told, considering the kid's pedigree and importance - done things to make it better. He could have run a propaganda campaign to have him accepted, could have encouraged certain key people to be seen with him, could have cashed some favours he was owned.

He did none of that and frankly, he had no explanation why. The kid seemed to endure it alright so he had not done anything.

Hiruzen did visit the kid personally once in a while, eating some ramen with him and discussing his life in between assigning two assassination missions. The kid always greeted him with the biggest smile he was capable of so Hiruzen had deemed that everything was good in the hood.

It obviously fucking wasn't, Hiruzen was far from being an oblivious cretin and in all honesty, it was a miracle his negligence hadn't blown up in his face already yet still, the Hokage did nothing.

Maybe he was secretly _hoping_ for Naruto to snap. That would teach the stupid civilians to be so stupid, nah!

That would cause a massive amount of paperwork to invade his office though, so maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

He could pretend to be late and let the kid rampage? Then there would be no office anymore to deal with paperwork in?

Hiruzen shook his head and dispersed the alluring thought.

So anyway, Naruto was this ever-smiling orphaned kid everybody ostracised for reasons no one was allowed to speak of and who constantly did his best to be noticed, probably to fill the void of his life. He was registered at the Academy and was dead-last which wasn't surprising at all considering teachers ignored him and Naruto himself was constantly doing the clown rather than working. The situation wasn't surprising, considering no one remotely cared if the boy did well or not, which was the primary reason any child ever worked.

Naruto was obviously called stupid with disdain and Hiruzen had to resist many times going to town on the boy's teachers. If he started to punish people for how they treated the blond kid, he would have to kill ninety per cent of Konoha, including members of his extended family. He couldn't do that, his daughter-in-law would not let him hear the end of it.

Naruto was supposed to be all that. Except that, for two years already, nearly three, he wasn't. Not anymore. Hiruzen had not paid attention to the change. His ANBU looking after the boy had simply notified him that he had changed his diet and started working out but Hiruzen had not considered it a bad thing.

Rather, it _was_ a good thing.

Until it turned ridiculous and the boy started to cut class to exercise. He ordered Cat to bring the boy back to class and Tiger was tasked with grilling a certain green-clad jonin if he had taken an apprentice, even unofficially.

The answer had been no and Naruto had gone back to class, if irregularly.

Hiruzen had cocked one eyebrow, shrugged, and allowed the matter to lie low. He would not be on Naruto's case because the kid endured so much already, the Hokage had decided to allow him nearly complete freedom.

Then Naruto had started to cut class again, escaping his chuunin teacher with astounding ease and even giving the slip to his ANBU watcher once or twice until Cat upped her game. The boy's routine had been modified without apparent reason once again, the boy suddenly spending entire days in the library to read up on medicine.

The root of all things seemed to be an old scroll Naruto appeared to be _talking to_. Hiruzen had to wonder if the boy really had finally snapped - only not in a way he had predicted. When Cat had discreetly investigated the piece of parchment, it had revealed itself to be completely blank save for the title.

The Method.

Hiruzen knew there was something about this scroll that did ring a bell somewhere in his mind but he could not uncover precisely where. Considering Naruto did appear to work his bottom off both physically and mentally, acquiring muscles and knowledge - if the unconventional kind - Hiruzen had decided to allow it, on the condition the boy did not ignore the Academy completely. The boy complied and Hiruzen deemed him old enough to go for a time without constant watching and recalled Cat for traditional ANBU work, on a recommendation of her superior officer.

Minimum interventionism was his go-to policy as far as Naruto Uzumaki was concerned. It had worked until now and Hiruzen hoped it would continue to. The Hokage scratched his goatee and hummed. Everything would be fine, he decided eventually.

* * *

ANBU operator Cat was worried about her little brother. She knew she should have been thinking about the mission - some unimportant courier interception at the edge of Grass and Earth Countries - but she could not.

The cat masked ANBU was not in any way blood-related to the Uzumaki boy but still, it was as if. She had helped him clean his flat more than once when he had been six and had had the supreme honour to bathe him once or twice, having to explain in passing why it was important that he wash _that_ part of his anatomy.

The orphanage matrons had laughed for one single second when Cat had visited them to ask why she had been the one to have to explain basic male hygiene to a young boy of six when it should have been their job.

Then the matrons had not laughed at all when Cat had unsheathed her tanto.

Those heart-warming adventures did make them brother and sister and Naruto did call her sister Cat anyway so that was the end of the discussion.

Anyway, the ANBU was worried for the little blond. It had begun innocently but soon enough, the boy had gained in height and in muscles and in Cat's honest opinion, it was a crime.

Naruto Uzumaki was such a cute little boy, it would be a waste to have him grow in size and bulkiness.

Everything was the fault of this damn scroll the boy had found. She had seen him converse with it as if it was alive. Her investigations had yielded nothing. She was absolutely certain that the scroll was abnormal, however.

She had almost decided to get rid of it, to preserve her little brother's perfect figure but had changed her mind at the last moment. It wasn't very healthy but Naruto seemed so happy with his scroll and his life was so miserable that she did not have the heart to take his one comfort from him. She had lost all power to influence his development as the Hokage had reassigned her to more standard ANBU duty - taking names and breaking knees in the name of Konoha. Apparently, her little brother was old enough that constant surveillance was not needed anymore. She wanted to vehemently disagree with that. By Kami, her little brother was talking to a _scroll_!

He had never been offered a Teddy Bear so maybe he was compensating? Should she offer a Teddy Bear to her little brother? No, he was past that age. How about this book she had seen the other day in the bookstore? How was it again? "How to make your big sister fall for you?", right?

No, that was way too daring, she couldn't! But what if she did?

Cat slapped her hands against her mask and shivered, a girly "kyaaa" escaping her despite herself.

Tiger inched away from his companion very slowly.

Cat did not notice. She dearly hoped her sensei in heaven wasn't watching at her too closely because if she did, Cat was sure the fiery woman would descend upon her in a hail of fury and fire.

Cat's sensei was the mother of Naruto, after all.

* * *

Kakashi dragged his feet across Konoha with a slight limp in his steps and adjusted his forehead protector over his right eye.

Why he had even allowed Gai to even rope him in one of his insane training session, the man would never know.

Facts were, he agreed to it once in a while, because, come rain and high water, Gai was one of the very few true friends Kakashi had who was still alive. And for that, he was ready to endure a few hours of gruelling effort every now and then.

With that deed done, however, it was time for him to take a hot bath, change cloth, and indulge in his favourite literature.

The man scratched his shaggy white hair matted with sweat and looked around a few minutes after exiting the training ground he and his friend had just demolished. Exhaustion had guided his walk and here he was not at all near his flat like he thought he was. With a groan, he decided he needed something to focus on and fished in his flak jacket for a book with an orange cover.

With a sigh of content, the white-haired ninja allowed the force of habit to guide and his preternatural senses to avoid any collision with the citizenry of Konoha. It worked quite well until suddenly, it didn't.

Something, something heavy, bumped into him and made him take a step back.

Now, he wasn't as solid as Gai but Kakashi was an elite jonin. His body was carved in rock and chakra was continuously coursing through it, reinforcing it further. For someone to make him take a step back by bumping into him was… abnormal.

Instantly on guard, Kakashi relaxed at the sight that offered itself to him.

Sprawled on the ground was Naruto Uzumaki, blond extraordinaire, pointing a finger at Kakashi as if to say something before the boy bit his tongue and looked down, contrite.

"Sorry, mister Mask. I wasn't paying attention."

Kakashi cocked his visible eyebrow. Well, that was certainly a change compared to the last time. The man eyed the blond kid once more and his grey orb widened. When _was_ the last time he had seen the boy exactly? Naruto seemed taller by at least a foot and a half and had filled out with taut muscles. How old was the kid? Had Kakashi jumped through time?

As he was trying to piece together why Naruto looked like he was nearly fifteen rather than twelve going on thirteen, the boy rose on his feet and gave him a slight bow.

"Hm, sorry mister Mask, you're okay?"

Mister Mask? Was that supposed to be him? It was endearing in a way, Kakashi supposed. Especially considering he hadn't given his name to the kid. He hummed aloud. Was he okay? He was definitely shocked by Naruto's appearance. There was something he was missing here.

"Yeah, you?" He answered distractedly.

"Oh, I'm fine, thanks mister Mask!" The boy gave him a grin bright.

"Good," said Kakashi. He had a place to urgently visit then he would shake himself firmly and finally take an interest in the life of Naruto Uzumaki.

The boy was supposed the be his little brother and it seemed like he had missed too much, blind as a bat behind his slanted forehead protector and apparently way, way too lost in the road of life. He hoped his sensei in heaven wasn't looking because he was sure the quiet man would descend upon him shrouded in sadness and disappointment. If there was one look Kakashi could not bear to receive, it was his sensei's special "I'm disappointed Kakashi, I know you can do better".

Plus, his sensei was the boy's father after all.

* * *

Naruto, seating on top of a large boulder in the middle of the forest, not far from his cave, was in a bit of a pickle. Actually, it was more of a dilemma. Or maybe the proper word was philosophical questioning?

So, as he saw it, he was strong. That was a fact and he knew that. He could quite literally reduce rock to fine powder by punching it - liquefy it if he really tried -, he could run a lap around Konoha in under a minute - fifty-eight seconds to be exact - and he had yet to test it but he should be able to survive a free fall from the Hokage monument even if he landed on his head.

Especially if he landed on his head, had assured Method in a not at all unusual snark.

At age twelve, approaching thirteen, he surmised that this was pretty good and that wasn't even counting the fact he had an ace up his sleeve. He knew just as well that he could become even better if he kept training. The jonin ninjas were probably stronger than him still and the Hokage was even above that but that was okay. He was not even a genin yet, cut him some slack, 'ttebayo!

He was also knowledgeable about a few useful things like medicine and - it was an acquired taste - mathematics as well as History. He had never applied his medicinal knowledge to anyone other than himself but he was pretty sure that with a bit of supervised practice, he could do something out of it. Certainly he did not know any of the fabled iryo-jutsu that medical ninja knew but one didn't really need the mystic spells to be a decent doctor. Most doctors actually didn't know the mystic spells.

What truly held his fancy nowadays, however, was History. How dumb he had been to never pay attention to anything not related to the Fourth Hokage! The stories about the First, the Second, and the Old Man were pretty awesome too. He wondered if Kage from other villages had awesome stories to tell like the ones in Konoha.

Now the question was, what to do with all that?

He knew he had entered the library, four years ago now, because he wanted to excel in the Academy and graduate and become a ninja but over the passage of time, going through the grinder of Method's training had become its own fun. So long ago, becoming a ninja was just a mean to be seen, to get recognition, to be acknowledged.

Since he had discovered the joy of lifting, Naruto had to admit that he did not really care anymore. He worked out for himself, he was strong for himself, he was the one he did not want to disappoint. He had come to realize he did not really want to be a ninja anymore. He would not mind becoming one, sure, but he would not be disappointed if he did not.

Konoha and its people? Well… they didn't care so frankly, he wasn't sure he did. He did not feel quite comfortable with the thought, however. Konoha had paid for the orphanage, for his education, and for his lodgment as well as his food so repaying the village felt like something he should do, if only because it was a debt. Yet it wasn't a real answer. If he paid back to Konoha every Ryo the village had spent on him, what came next? Working for the village with such a hollow goal in mind was a temporary solution at best.

Plus, he could definitely become a doctor or a historian to repay the debt. There was no need for him to be a ninja.

He did feel, however, lonely. Method was Method, a good companion and teacher but ultimately, Method was a scroll. A sentient, very snarky, foul-mouthed piece of parchment but a piece of parchment all the same. Naruto would like to make some friends, human friends if at all possible.

The people at the Academy, the other kids in his class, weren't his friends. The still saw him as the clown even if he wasn't playing this part anymore and they called him dead-last because, well, he had been for a long time and still was one of the stragglers.

It was out of a perfectly assumed choice but it was true all the same. It was his choice to attend the Academy only two times a week, his choice to work through the material by himself with Method to help when the scroll could be bothered, his choice to focus on other pursuits. Obviously, despite his steep progress in mathematics and his genuine interest in History, his low attendance meant he could not know everything there was to know.

Given that Method was absolutely adamant that he did not reveal any of his physical abilities - Naruto did not understand why, really; he wasn't that strong - the boy fought without any strength. He also fought without technique apart from the Academy style because his taijutsu was something mister Gai had shown him and mister Gai had insisted those moves were to be used against enemies only.

His classmates weren't friends but they weren't enemies so Naruto did not use his "river cutting flowing palm" or his "earth-shattering foundation fist". Plus he wasn't quite sure mister Gai really intended for Naruto to learn those techniques. Sure, the taijutsu specialist had shown them to him but he hadn't taught them so Naruto felt a little bad, like he had stolen something. He was working hard to come up with his own techniques though, so he could soon use them to fight.

However, all this holding back meant he was barely better than Shikamaru and so he was "dead-last" which wasn't a very friendly nickname given to him by not very friendly people.

Maybe becoming a ninja would allow him to meet new people and make friends? For some reason, being a doctor sounded like a much better way to do that.

Naruto shook his head. No matter his feelings, the real crux of the matter was that if he wanted to become a ninja, he was faced with a serious problem.

He couldn't do any ninjutsu and it was required to pass the final examination. An alternative was to have the support of a jonin but Naruto knew there was no way in hell he would ever get something like that. He barely knew two jonin and if Gai was nice to him, he already had a team anyway. As for mister Mask, Naruto was pretty sure the man had absolutely no interest in taking a student. He did not count sister Cat because she was busy being an ANBU.

Naruto bit his lips and wondered for a second if sister Cat would be disappointed if he did not become a ninja. What of the Old Man? He wasn't sure what Iruka would say. His teacher frequently repeated - with a tired smile and no heat behind his words - that the world was not ready for Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto wasn't sure if Iruka-sensei meant the ninja world specifically or the world at large. In the latter case, it was twelve years too late.

Taking his chin in his hand, the boy's face set itself into a look of intense reflection. Should he maybe ask around? That he could do, he supposed. His acquaintances could probably take a minute of their time to counsel him regarding whether or not he should become a shinobi. The Old Man seemed always happy to see him because that gave him an excuse to take a break from the paperwork he seemed to always be submerged in.

His decision made, Naruto hopped off the large, perfectly round rock he was sitting on. The piece of rosy-red granite, measuring something like two meters in diameter, had undoubtedly been part of the mountain surrounding Konoha. Around the rock were fastened large ropes the size of the boy's arm. With a huff, Naruto grabbed two dangling ropes and hoisted the rock on his shoulder.

He was quite proud of his rock. He had carved it out by hand on Method's recommendation as a portable way to do some more strength training.

He supposed it could also serve as a weapon if he dropped it on someone, considering it probably weighted around a dozen tonnes according to his own calculation. It might injure someone if he could take them by surprise.

The surprise factor would be automatic he supposed. No one would prepare themselves for a big rock falling on their head.

That was a mistake, in Naruto's humble opinion.

The twelve years old boy started his walk towards Konoha without a care in the world, apparently unbothered by the slab of rock he was carrying on his shoulder. He wouldn't enter the village proper with it of course. It counted as revealing his capacity after all but most importantly, he would have to leave it outside the Hokage Tower and he did not trust people to steal it.

Maybe he could train one of the cute pet in the forest to act like some sort of guard dog? The boy hummed. That was an idea to consider for later. For now, he had people to visit.

* * *

**AN: You might be tempted to leave a review. Yet again, you might not. Yet again...**

***For the sake of all cat lovers, you are allowed to consider the part with Cat as non-Canon. For the rest of you... hehe.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: To answer Anonimo's review, I didn't know "Luther Strode" before yesterday and you mentioning it. Well, apparently, I wasn't original but heh. I found the comic online and read. It's a pretty good read. It's on the gory (very gory) side though, so viewer's discretion and all that.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Naruto stood in front of his interlocutor. His brow was furrowed, his eyes were narrowed, his nostrils were flaring and his mouth was contorted in a grimace. The blond, however, was not angry at the one he was speaking. Tapping his foot against the wet floor, arms crossed against his chest, the boy thought long and hard. Eventually, he took a deep, ragged breath and exhaled slowly, forcing his nerves to calm down and appeasing his features.

"Okay."

Looking up, Naruto presented his open hand.

"Nice to meet'cha, my name is Naruto Uzumaki."

* * *

Naruto was not an expert at reading people. He knew there was an entire clan in Konoha that specialized in doing just that and more, if rumors about their secret techniques were even half true.

He was still a kid who had had no one to raise him and had been and still was ignored by the population of his own village. People refused to talk to him so he had to make them talk in a different way.

Over the years, he started to notice a number of signs that were telling of how a person felt. Some were obvious: a guy with his shoulders all slouched, dragging his feet, and sighing a lot was depressed and if he held a flower in his hand, then chances were he had just been "dumped".

Whatever that meant.

Some other signs, however, were far, far more subtle or confusing because they could be used for several emotions - frowning for example - or really difficult to see without being up-close - like the motions of the eyes.

Naruto had become decent at guessing what ailed people just by observing them. Sure, his "body dictionary" wasn't complete: there were still signs he could detect that he could not connect to any emotion he knew or emotions he couldn't detect signs for but he could go by pretty well with what he had.

It worked even better with people he knew or at least frequented regularly. The Old Man, for example, was really good at controlling all the signs that gave away his emotions but Naruto had spent days in his office when he was small, doodling, making bubbles, and observing the Hokage so he knew the Old Man pretty well.

That was how he knew the Old Man had been lying when he had told Naruto he did not know why the boy was hated by ninety-nine per cent of the population.

That was how he knew the Old Man was dissimulating something extremely serious from him right now.

Everything had begun as usual. Naruto, having left his boulder a bit before entering the village, had run along the main street, bumped into mister Mask, apologized like a proper, polite person did - because he hadn't been looking and mister Mask was nice so deserved an apology - and continued his run until he had reached the Hokage's office.

Once there, he had ignored the desperate cries of the secretary, who he should gift something to because she was just doing her job but the force of habit was too strong to ignore and barged in the Old Man's workroom like he owned the place. It was rude but the Hokage himself allowed it so Naruto just did it like that.

"Hey Old Man, how is it rockin', 'ttebayo?"

"My, good Naruto, you?"

"All good, all good. Still neck-deep in paperwork?"

"As you can see. I can't wait for you to take the hat from me."

The exchange had followed the routine until here before it had turned into a train wreck.

"Yeah, Old Man, speaking of which, I'm not sure I want to be a ninja anymore."

The first sign had been a single bead of sweat slowly rolling down the Hokage's balding forehead. The fact the Old Man had nearly choked on the smoke of his pipe did not count: everyone was allowed to be surprised by his declaration. The sweat meant the Hokage was _uncomfortable_ with it.

"What brought this on?" The Hokage had asked, setting his pipe down on his desk as calmly as he was capable of appearing to be.

"Well, I don't really know Old Man." Naruto had noticed the curious behaviour of the Hokage and as such, had decided to go at it carefully. "I'm not sure I'm all that interested in it, ya know? I think I'd prefer being a historian."

"I see. Don't you like all the exercising you do, though? Being a shinobi could allow you to make use of the strength you gained. Wasn't it why you started to work out?"

At that, Naruto had scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, but along the way, I kept at it because it was fun. Becoming a ninja wasn't about doing something fun, it was about becoming Hokage but I realized, I don't really need to do it. I'd prefer doing something I know I enjoy."

The second sign had been the Hokage audibly swallowing his saliva. The Old Man _never_ did that. Naruto had been present once as Hiruzen had had to deal with a tense hostage situation and not once had the older man done something like _swallowing loudly_.

"Well being a ninja is fun, Naruto. You get to save princesses and kill demons you know?" The Hokage had said that as nonchalantly as he could yet with just enough enthusiasm that it didn't sound fake.

However, Naruto had seen through the lie. Because Naruto had seen what new genin did around in Konoha and it was definitely _not _saving princesses and killing demons. Demons did not exist anyway. This realization brought Naruto to reflect on the signs he could read in people and what he had picked up thus far in the Old Man and reached the conclusion that the Hokage was hiding something quite serious.

Why was he so _insistent_ for Naruto to become a ninja in the first place? The blond considered the thought as he threw the Old Man a long look, one eyebrow cocked up and his lips pursed in a thin, slightly crooked line of disbelief.

"Well," begun Naruto, "I'm more interested in collecting the stories of those who actually _did_ save princesses."

"But doing it yourself would be cooler right?"

Naruto sighed. "It might but I don't want to go through the "painting fences" phase before I get to the good stuff. The villagers don't like me and I sure don't want to paint their fences."

That'd be humiliating and not even well paid, he could bet on it.

The Hokage abruptly sucked a breath of air. "Do you hate the villagers Naruto?"

The blond frowned. Why should he hate them? Certainly, they were rude and mean to him, constantly pretending he wasn't here and it was hurtful. Although he certainly didn't like the villagers, however, they hadn't done anything for him to hate them

"No? Why're you asking anyway, Old Man? You know it's the villagers who hate me."

The Hokage sighed. It sounded both like a sigh of relief and of immense weariness. "I'm sorry Naruto but you have to become a ninja." The older man eventually said.

Silence fell in the office.

"Huh? Why though, 'ttebayo?" Naruto exclaimed, confused. The Old Man had offered him, long ago, to be a shinobi, telling him it would earn him the acknowledgement he craved at the time. He had never outright commanded Naruto to do something.

When the Old Man averted his eyes for a split second, anger slowly painted itself on Naruto's face.

"Okay, Old Man, what's the deal here? What do you mean I _have_ to become a ninja?"

"Just that, Naruto. You have to do it, you haven't got a choice." The Hokage said with a firm voice and an air of finality.

Naruto looked hard at the one he called "Old Man" with affection. The Hokage was hiding something and the boy didn't like it one bit. "What are you not telling me?"

"Nothing. Now go Naruto, I have work to do." The Hokage shooed the boy with a swift motion of his hand.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto asked, fuming. "Well, as long as you don't tell me what it is, I'm sure as heck not becoming a ninja, Old Man!" The blond exclaimed in a hard tone, his finger pointed accusingly at the Hokage. "You didn't want to tell me why the villagers hate me, I said yes even though I knew you were lying. You didn't want to tell me anything about my parents save that they were ninja, I said okay even though I knew you were lying as well. Well, I'm through, you hear that! You're telling me or I'm not becoming nothing, 'ttebayo!" Naruto finished, crossing his arms in front of his chest and glaring resolutely.

The Hokage stared at the boy - no, the teenager already - in front of him with wide eyes. Once again, Naruto surprised him by acting out of normal, accepted parameters.

The young blond had always been willing to obey his "Old Man" when asked, accepting the fact he wouldn't get any of his questions answered. It might have been cruel but once again, it was the easy way to deal with the problem of Naruto knowing too much and considering certain pros and cons Konoha couldn't afford the boy to consider.

One of them being possibly not becoming a ninja. Hiruzen Sarutobi hesitated. He looked left and right as if searching for support. He wrung his hands in and out. He took a deep breath.

"YouhavetheKyuubisealedinsideyouanditsthereasonthevillagersdontlikeyou!"

"What?"

* * *

Naruto looked up and down at the massive cage of iron that lay in front of him, the bars rising too high for him to see their end and plunging too deep to see their origin. The space behind the adamantine columns _seemed _large and spacious but the being contained by the cage was… well… large and spacious too.

"What are you doing here, child!" A powerful voice roared, the air it displaced ruffling Naruto's hair backwards.

Naruto sighed. "I'm visiting my tenant!" He answered at the top of his lungs, not angrily but just to make sure the one he was visiting could hear him.

"I'm not deaf, stupid human!"

* * *

A heavy silence was reigning without contest in the Hokage's office. Naruto stared at the Old Man as if the Sarutobi had grown another head.

"Could you repeat that, but, like, slowly?" The blond asked, trying to buy time as his brain deciphered what had just been revealed to him. "'ttebayo?" He added as an afterthought, unsure.

The Hokage took a deep breath and sighed before he straightened in his chair only to sag with another, deeper sigh. "The villagers… the reason they… dislike you-"

"The reason they hate me and ostracize me, let's call a cat a cat, shall we, Old Man," said Naruto frostily, not in the mood for wordplay. He was doing his damn best not to panic right now and the Hokage wasn't going to try and sell him the situation as better than it was.

Nope, he wasn't.

"Right," acknowledged the older man, sagging even further in his seat, sliding out of it like Naruto had done in the Academy when he was really bored and wanted to be somewhere else. "On the night you were born, as you know…"

"The Kyuubi attacked yes, the giant fox ran amok in Konoha and killed people, so?"

"Well, you see, the Yondaime couldn't kill it so he…"

Naruto tapped his feet on the floor impatiently and waited, his gaze affixed on the Hokage.

"He sealed it inside you," breathed out the older man, now nearly sprawled on the ground more than seating on his chair yet looking relaxed, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Naruto looked down at his own body with attention. Carefully, he pinched one of his cheeks firmly until it hurt and blinked two times. Then he blinked a third time because never two without three. Slowly, his head swivelled around on his neck as he observed the office with a frown. He poked himself again, in the ribs this time but nothing changed. The blond looked himself up and down again, from his toes wiggling in his blue shinobi sandals to the tip of his nose.

Then he looked back at the Hokage with a frown and a pout. "Okay Old Man, I'm all for jokes and I deserved this one, probably, but com'on, be serious for a second here."

"What?" The Hokage whispered.

"I'm all tiny, Old Man, I know it, no need to mock me about it. There is no way the Kyuubi," saying that Naruto spread his arms as much as he could, "could fit anywhere in me," he punctuated the statement by closing the palms of his hands together, leaving them separated by a hair's breadth.

The Hokage sighed. Gone was the regal old man from before. "No, Naruto, you don't understand. The Kyuubi was sealed inside you. Lift up your shirt and channel a bit of chakra, you'll see it."

Naruto stared hard at the Hokage for thirty seconds before he sighed himself. There was no sign he could detect that the Old Man was pulling a fast one on him so he did as he was told.

"Ah, penis!" He said flatly, startling the Hokage slightly with his curse word, as some kind of spiral contained within eight prongs appeared in black ink on his stomach.

Naruto only barely knew anything about fuinjutsu but that seal was not for storing kunai, that was for sure.

* * *

"Look, I know you… or is it my fault? Oh, whatever!" Naruto exclaimed, flailing his arms. "I know it's not comfortable here but you can't be like that every time I come and visit!" The blond boy said in a voice of protest.

"I. Do not. Want you. To visit!" The being behind the bars roared. "I want out of here, that's it!"

"Well I can't, mister Fox, 'cause I don't wanna die!" Naruto screamed in turn, rolling his eyes and throwing his arms in the air. "We already discussed that! So unless you have a bright idea-"

"You won't keep me here, miserable human!"

"Look, I know you're angry but-"

"I'm not your prisoner, pathetic-"

"I did not put you here!"

The voice of Naruto echoed like a primordial roar, shaking the foundation of the space the boy and his interlocutor were in. Chakra pulsed in a single, infinitely thin wave. The blond was glaring at his tenant, a snarl tensing and almost cramping his feature by its intensity. The Kyuubi recoiled behind the bars of his cage.

"Listen, mister Fox. I get it, you don't wanna be here. I don't want you here either. If it wouldn't kill me, I'd set you free and-"

"What?"

Naruto frowned and fumed. "It's super rude to interrupt peo-"

"What did you say about… setting me free?" The Kyuubi asked, uncaring of the fact he had interrupted Naruto again.

"Well, what I said. You've served for what now? Twelve years behind bars in this damp as heck cave without seeing the sun. No criminal is treated like that. Or at least, no criminal should. You attacked Konoha and it wasn't cool but you deserve to see the sun once in a while."

Only silence answered Naruto before the Kyuubi spoke again.

* * *

Naruto breathed in. And breathed out. He breathed in. And breathed out.

"Alright," said the boy, once again looking at the Hokage who had straightened himself and was seating, all proper, on his chair. For some reason, the sight got a vein in Naruto's forehead pulsing.

The Old Man simply looked at him in response. "Alright" wasn't really a question so the blond did not fault him.

"So?" The boy tried before he realized it would be in vain as well. Well, try learning you have a giant god-like beast in your stomach and see if you aren't at a loss, 'ttebayo.

"What does that gotta do with me being a ninja?" The boy eventually managed to formulate a proper question after two other false starts.

"People like you are called jinchuuriki, Naruto. The other four great ninja villages have jinchuuriki too."

Naruto cocked his eyebrow and puckered his lips out, throwing an interrogative glance at the Hokage rather than trying to choose complicated words for a spoken question. Speaking was hard for him right now.

"Jinchuuriki are all ninja because, in case of war, they are both very powerful soldiers and primary targets."

Naruto groaned. "Because of… what we contain?"

"Yes. The Bijuus give their host incredible powers and great physical strength. If they can channel the beast's chakra, that is."

"So," said Naruto, analyzing what he had just been explained and running it through his own filters. "You want me to exploit the fox stuck inside me like it's a battery and go to town on Konoha's villains." The boy summarized crudely. "Also, I don't have a choice."

The Hokage swallowed audibly but nodded resolutely.

"If I still refuse?"

"We'd be forced to transfer the beast to someone else. That means you'd die."

"Huh. So you'd basically force my terrible life on someone else. Wow. And kill me to boot." Naruto's gaze hardened. "You suck, Old Man," declared the boy with a frown marring his face. "Like, you swallow too." He added after a second.

This one was from Method and while the blond didn't understand the subtlety of the insult, he was quite certain the Hokage deserved this one.

The older man simply sighed. "You could be this village's protector, Naruto. You could-"

"If I can't choose I'm not a protector, I'm a slave." The boy interrupted in a dry tone. He didn't mind becoming a ninja but being actually forced to be one was grating him the wrong way.

The Hokage sighed again but stayed straight, refusing to sag in his chair again. The old and young men stared at each other, one angrily and the other resolutely.

Naruto shifted his gaze first, lost in thoughts. He didn't want to fight the Old Man, he was pretty certain he couldn't win right now. Plus, there were at least four ANBU in the room with them, given the number of breaths he could hear. It was time to try another path. Method insisted that a good fighter is the one who throws is punch the correct way but that the fighter who wins is the one who strategizes.

So the blond bashfully looked down, put his hand behind his back and twisted his right ankle slightly before he looked up with wide azure eyes brimming with tears. "You'd do that to me, grandpa?" He asked in the most high pitched, trembling voice he was capable of. He was somehow looking six years younger than he really was and there was a violin playing sad music somewhere.

The Hokage faltered as if mortally wounded, and looked right and left, his left hand gripping his chest as the right pushed on his chair for him to stay seated upright. "I'm sorry Naruto," whispered the aged leader. "It's my duty to do so." He said, pain making his voice tight.

"Tch, that really sucks, Old Man!" Naruto exclaimed, his earlier appearance gone and forgotten in the blink of an eye.

The Hokage sputtered furiously before pointing at the blond boy in outrage. "It's Gai, isn't it?! Gai has been teaching you his "Sunset Genjutsu"!"

"What? No! What even is that!" Naruto screamed in return. "Don't try to avoid the conversation we're having Old Man. You're choosing my career for me as we speak, 'ttebayo!"

"Argh! This comedy has gone for long enough. Look, I'm sorry Naruto! I really, really am! You can't leave your life as you want it and I can't make the decision I would like to take! Life is unfair but that is that!"

Naruto recoiled slightly at the older man's sudden outburst, as it was very unusual for the Hokage to lose his calm like this. The boy waited for a second to be certain the man was done and sighed. "Can I sit down?"

"Yes."

Man and boy eyed each other like cat and dog on each side of a fence.

"Look Naruto, I'm sorry-"

"Nah, it's okay," answered Naruto in a dulled voice. The boy sighed. "I'm an orphan, I can't know who my parents were, the village hates me for something I didn't do, I'm the prison of a giant monster, and now I can't even choose what I'll do of my life. It's okay."

The Hokage winced. He couldn't say anything to that because it was true. "You know," he tried anyway, "the ninja know of your condition and they should be less… biased against you, Naruto."

The blond snorted and it told the Hokage all he needed to know.

Even the ninja population was biased against Naruto. He really was the stupid leader of a stupid people.

"Can I at least learn whatever ninja art I'd like to learn?"

The Hokage eyed the boy. Naruto deserved a sweetener.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well, I've been studying medicine."

The Hokage hummed. "What about ninjustu? You… used to like the idea of it."

Naruto sighed before a smile slowly blossomed on his face. "Ha! Ninjutsu! I can't become a ninja, Old Man, I can't perform any of the three Academy jutsus! I'll fail the graduation exam and-"

"And you'll be sponsored into a team, Naruto," informed the Hokage, cutting the boy's sudden enthusiasm short. "Look. Being a ninja isn't so bad. You'll be in a team of people your age who don't know about your burden and your sensei will _not_ hold any ill-will against you, I can promise you that. Those comrades will become like your family Naruto."

The boy perked up at the mention of a family before his moral fell just as swiftly. "They'll be people from my class and they don't like me either."

"You'll change their mind Naruto, I know you will. I know you're very strong, you know a lot about medicine, you are an actual genius when it comes to mathematics somehow and you read more history books than any boy your age. You'll surprise them and in the real world, they will quickly forget the way you were in the Academy."

Naruto stayed silent and the Hokage didn't add anything. For a full minute, that eventually stretched into another one, not a sound was heard in the office.

"Okay," said Naruto slowly, as if he was testing and tasting the word. "Okay," he repeated more firmly, "but I want an all-you-can-eat evening at Ichiraku on your tab."

The Hokage gave the boy a smile. "That I can manage. You'll also get a special authorization to read on iryojutsu in the ninja library. Also," added the older man as he took a slip of paper and scribbled something on it. "I want you to learn that jutsu." He said, presenting a folded piece of paper to Naruto.

"What is it?" The blond asked, doubtful there was any point in him even trying.

"It's very, very chakra intensive so you should be able to use it."

"Huh? What does that got to do with me?"

"You have a lot of chakra Naruto. Way, way too much and way too potent for any of the Academy jutsu. You working out didn't help your case. You know about yin and yang chakra and balancing, correct?"

The blond nodded.

"I believe you have a lot of yang chakra and it unbalances your chakra as a whole. This jutsu is nearly purely yang based."

"Oh. Okay then. What's its name?"

"Shadow Clone Jutsu."

* * *

**AN: So... yeah. Leave a review?**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: It's fluffy and it's going to be great.**

**Maybe.**

* * *

It took Naruto one hour to produce a shadow clone, the solid chakra construct mimicking his happiness at the success - the jutsu was a bribe but it didn't mean Naruto couldn't enjoy learning it. It took another for the boy to adjust the chakra output to produce exactly the number of replicas he wanted. It took a third to discover shadow clones transmitted their memories and their residual chakra upon being dispelled.

While he was overjoyed at the prospects such a capability offered him, now Naruto had to go in Konoha to fetch a bag of groceries one of his clones had been carrying before being dispelled in an accident. The blond sighed. He was bumping into people way too much as of late.

He didn't have much hope of finding the bag but he had spent a good wad of Ryo so he had to at least try and find it.

Lowering his feet on the ground from the handstand - "finger stand", to be exact - position he had been keeping, Naruto went to the stream to wash the grim of exercise off his face. He didn't even shudder as the cold water splashed against his cheeks, long since used to the bite of the refreshing liquid. He found the sensation revitalizing nowadays.

Donning a long-sleeved orange shirt, he hid a lean and toned body, all steel-made sinew and obsidian-cut muscles under a lightly tanned skin. He was barely recognizable from the scrawny child he had been four years ago. Puberty had barreled into him rather hard as well and he was taller, wider, and his face had undergone several transformations. His baby fat, which had made his cheek puffier than they had any right to be, had melted and the shape of his head was now oval rather than round, two sharp cheekbones framing it rather severely. His wide, round eyes were now more and more slanted. His jawline had been squared and pulled back, giving him a strong, willful chin.

His hair was still a messy shock of spiky blond locks: that had not evolved one bit. The blond eyed himself critically in the wobbly reflection the stream was giving him. He had accepted the changes as the inevitable results of him growing up and working out. He had read enough of medicinal books to know what was happening to him.

However, his new appearance had not gone unnoticed and apparently roused some kind of commotion because Naruto regularly caught all kind of people staring at him like they could not believe what they were seeing. As their eyes weren't full of negative goo, Naruto made sure to greet them with a smile and continue on his way, more than a bit weirded out by the strange behaviour.

The weirdest thing was the looks he was attracting at the Academy. There were girls - _girls_ \- looking at him the way they looked at Sasuke Uchiha. Frankly, the dark-haired boy was a bit of a bastard but honestly, Naruto could totally understand his behaviour now.

Being eyed like a juicy piece of meat was creepy and certainly not something to be envious of like Naruto remembered he used to be.

Plus, that wasn't the only problem with being looked at intently by girls. Nearly every other boy looked at Naruto with something akin to murder in their eyes. The same way Naruto had looked at Sasuke, something like four years ago.

The blond did not like the thought of it but maybe he ought to apologize to the Uchiha. He had been a brat after all and it wasn't like the Uchiha actually wanted the attention he was receiving. The boy had just always done his best to, well, actually be the best but if there was one thing to be said about Sasuke, it was that the boy was _not_ one to brag. Heck, the Uchiha was almost mute. Rather, he actually despised the attention he garnered.

Naruto understood though. He had done his best for the eight first years of his life to attract any kind of attention on him and had gotten nothing but disdain and glares. On the other side of the spectrum, Sasuke, the best student of their class, was showered with praises and shown perfect smiles but it was just as fake. People put him on a pedestal, decided he was unattainable and so Sasuke was.

The fact the Uchiha boy was always brooding silently and darkly in a corner absolutely did not help matters though.

Naruto knew why the Uchiha was like this. Like everyone else, he had heard about the massacre of the Uchiha clan. Sasuke had been there, the helpless witness of his entire family being slaughtered. That would make anyone broody, in Naruto's opinion. Now he knew that. At the time, however, he could only hear the praises and see the smiles directed at someone other than him and he was jealous.

Well, adults were supposed to be responsible and children were supposed to be brats, right? Except Naruto had yet to have an adult in his life and, well, Sasuke had lost those he had. So, yay.

Adults were slowly going extinct in Konoha anyway. Heck, the Old Man had been ridiculous just the day before when Naruto had demanded to know the truth. Why so much secret? What had he been afraid of? Naruto getting angry and going to town on the civilians? Well, first, they would deserve it in the first place because seriously, confusing him with the Kyuubi was seriously stupid but bullying him all his life for it was downright mean and deserving retribution. Anyway, the Hokage had looked like a child caught with the hand in the cookie jar and Naruto knew what he was talking about.

What was the Old Man _expecting_ to happen by keeping it a secret from him? Literally everyone knew _but_ him, how was that fair? What was the game at play here?

So yeah, no adult anymore in Konoha. Apart from Iruka Umino obviously; that man was a real adult with a sense of what was proper, who had a solid head upon solid shoulders, and who took his responsibilities seriously. Naruto nodded, satisfied with his analysis. He'd definitely gift Iruka-sensei something before the end of the year. He wondered what his teacher liked.

As his thoughts turned to just what he could buy to his teacher, Naruto's eyes widened as why he had interrupted his exercises came back to him in the first place.

"Ahhhh, my groceries!"

The boy abruptly blinked out of existence, leaves fluttering wildly and trees groaning in a sudden powerful rush of wind as the sound of thunder echoed in the little clearing.

* * *

Kakashi was dragging his feet in the streets of Konoha, nose-deep in his usual literature and drawing a various array of looks, from starry-eyed to vaguely disgusted. Everyone knew the orange books the one-eyed ninja liked to read were nothing but porn and the fact he dared to consume them in public was ticking a number of people the wrong way.

The children who were too young to know what pornography was didn't care about the weird orange book the tall, white-haired ninja was always seen with. All they could pay attention to was his slanted forehead protector - "he is like a pirate!" -, his black silken face mask - "he must look so handsome under that!" - and his overall nonchalance.

Kakashi exuded _coolness_ and damn it if he didn't cultivate it! Someone had to stop Gai and his _youthfulness_ to pervert the mind of the youths.

Plus, he wasn't even reading pornography, ah!

So anyway, Kakashi was doing his best to campaign secretly against Gai's own abhorrent life philosophy when something bumped into him.

For the second time in the span of a year, someone bumped into him as he was reading in the streets, overriding his preternatural senses and making him stumble back a step. That. Was. So. Uncool.

Mildly angered, Kakashi's grey eye immediately found the offender only to see him disappear in a puff of smoke. Something fell on the ground in a noisy concert of crumpled plastic and paper. Kakashi blinked thrice rapidly and slowly reached out with his hand into the smoke.

Nothing.

Panic crept up and insidiously invaded the ninja's mind. In a rare moment of irrationality, the jonin wondered how in the hell he had reduced his sensei's son to smoke by bumping into him. Naruto looked so strong for his age! How in the Log had that happened? For a second, Kakashi flailed, still holding on his orange book.

Then, the cold rationality of a brilliant, educated mind consolidated by years of experience told Kakashi that Naruto somehow knew the Shadow Clone Jutsu. How cool was that?

And Kami damn it, had he passed through a temporal gate again? How in the Log could Naruto know such a jutsu? The boy hadn't even graduated from the Academy yet! Kakashi closed his book and slid it into one of his pockets before he massaged his lone eye. There was really something he was missing. He knew he had told himself he would invest himself a bit more in the life of his late sensei's son and he hadn't because it was a painful can of worms for him but now the boy was learning things Kakashi was supposed to teach him!

That felt unacceptable. Kakashi didn't know why but it was what his heart was telling him. He should have been happy that the boy was learning and progressing as a ninja-hopeful but the feeling wasn't here. Rather, Kakashi had the sentiment he was missing out.

His mind immediately came to the rescue. It was alright after all. He had been the death of everyone he had been close to. He couldn't afford to be the death of Naruto too. He couldn't do that to his late sensei.

Just as he was thinking that Kakashi knew what the man would have done if he had ever heard Kakashi say something approaching that. Oh yes, Kakashi's sensei would have given him the stare. That one stare Kakashi couldn't bear to receive. The one stare that told him he was stupid to even think that way. Then he would ruffle his hair, which annoyed Kakashi to no end.

But sensei was dead, his mind informed him, and there was no one to give him the stare now, no one to tell him it was okay to be a part of Naruto's life, no one to tell him he wouldn't be the death of the child. There was no one to ruffle his hair anymore.

Kakashi looked down on the bag of groceries. There was barely any food inside aside from a large pack of rice and a few vegetables. Worry spiked in the man's heart. Was Naruto even eating meat? And why was the bag so full of medical supplies? How would a child hurt himself so much to need such an amount of bandages and denatured alcohol? What if Naruto was hurt right now and his shadow clone had been on its way with direly needed medicine and now all hope of the boy surviving was moot because of Kakashi.

Once again, cold rationality slammed away the spiralling thoughts of anguish. If Naruto had been in any grave danger, the shadow clone would not have bothered with vegetables. Taking a deep breath in, Kakashi calmed himself and wondered what to do with the bag. It wasn't his bag, he could leave the bag here, Naruto would find the bag sometime during the day. Maybe he should go discuss what to do with his favourite listener?

Talking to the rock standing for the fallen always seemed to give him direction when he was lost on the road of life.

Kakashi was seriously considering the option of fleeing - operating a tactical retreat, corrected his mind - from the bag of groceries when, for the third time in a year and the second time in a day, someone bumped into him.

"So uncool", he had time to think as he was forced to take a step to recover his balance, forward this time.

"Mister Mask!"

The cry, half joy half surprise, tore Kakashi out of his thoughts. In front of him stood Naruto, perfectly healthy, very slightly out of breath, and sporting a large grin.

"Oh man, thanks for looking over the bag, mister Mask! I thought for sure I'd lose all that!"

Kakashi managed a shaky smile, which couldn't be seen behind his facemask save for the crinkling of his one eye. "You're welcome," he breathed out.

"You okay mister Mask?"

No, no Kakashi was not okay. The boy once again managed to look like he was two years older than he actually was. And his face. His face was Kakashi's worst nightmare and most soothing dream. His face was like two persons dead for twelve years had been brought back to life in a single child. His face was the perfect balance between the welcoming roundness of the boy's mother and the dangerous sharpness of his father.

Kakashi blinked. Maybe there _was_ someone to give him the stare after all.

"...ster Mask?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." Kakashi managed to mumble.

Naruto scratched the back of his head, apparently unsure of what to do as Kakashi was having his little mental breakdown. He was so like his father.

"Okay, good to know, 'ttebayo," the boy said with a slightly nervous chuckle, still undecided on a course of action as Kakashi silently offered a prayer to heaven. He was so like his mother.

"If you're okay… I can take my groceries?"

Kakashi didn't, couldn't answer, his mind foggy and his mouth too dry and his throat too tight.

"Mister Mask?"

The tall jonin nearly choked. Those blue eyes were looking at him with such concern. Kakashi was a stranger to Naruto. No one should be _that_ concerned over a stranger.

"Kakashi," he croaked out. "The name is Kakashi, boy." He repeated, his voice steady this time.

Naruto beamed a smile his way. "Nice to meetch'a Kakashi-san. I'm Naruto."

"I know," whispered Kakashi behind his mask. "Sorry for bumping into your clone." He said.

"Oh! No worry, Kakashi-san." Naruto bowed lightly to him. "Thank you again for watching over the bag." He said, taking said bag in a quick motion.

"'Z nothing, boy. Say, Shadow Clone is a pretty advanced technique, how come you know it?"

Naruto's smile faltered for a second. "Ah, well, the Hokage gave it to me 'cause I can't do the normal clone and I needed ninjutsu to graduate the Academy."

"Oh, so you're training to be a ninja?"

The boy's flattered again and he looked down briefly. "Yeah."

Okay. That wasn't good. Kakashi was missing something here. Did Naruto not want to be a ninja? But if that were the case then…

The brilliant mind of Kakashi supplied him with an answer almost immediately. Of course, Kyuubi. The boy had no choice. Kakashi started to sweat nervously. What was he supposed to say to that?

"Well, it isn't a bad path of life..."

What the fuck was he saying and who the hell was he kidding? Kakashi sighed.

"Kakashi-san?"

"You don't want to be a ninja, am I right?" The tall man asked in a tired drawl.

Naruto startled, apparently surprised he had been read so easily and shifted from one foot to the other for a few seconds, his eyes lowered. Before soon, however, he looked back up with a crooked smile, a hundred yards stare and a dull tone and shrugged.

"Well, I don't have much of a choice anyway."

Kakashi internally grimaced. Apparently, the boy knew of his burden and had been made aware of what it meant. Well, penis.

* * *

Naruto wasn't sure what was happening exactly nor how it had come to happen but he was having tea with mister Mask - Kakashi-san, he mentally corrected.

Their conversation in the street had devolved into awkward silence until Kakashi had taken his bag of groceries out of Naruto's hands and gestured for the genin-hopeful to follow him. They had eventually stranded themselves in a little café, where a waitress who actually genuinely smiled at Naruto with pink dusting her cheeks served them a large kettle of tea and two cups.

Naruto eyed the tall jonin, unsure of what they were doing here. He had never been invited to have tea with anyone before; ramen sure but never tea. He wasn't even sure why it was happening in the first place so needless to say, he was confused.

"Hmm… Kakashi-san?"

The tall man didn't answer and sipped some of his tea, sighing in a relaxed way a second after. Naruto scratched the line of his jaw in puzzlement. He didn't dislike mister Mask, heck the man actually smiled - eye-smiled - at him and was polite to him, which Naruto returned good-naturedly but he didn't know the jonin. If anything, Naruto knew Might Gai better than Kakashi. He didn't even have Kakashi's name!

Plus, the boy wasn't sure he like the man's vibe. Might Gai was loud, very loud, and the word youth and its declinations formed a too large part of his vocabulary but it was his way of expressing his enthusiasm at living life and Naruto could get behind that. On the other hand, the little he had seen from Kakashi screamed "aloof"; it was supposed to be cool according to some people he had overheard but frankly, for Naruto that just wasn't it.

That made the invitation to drink tea even more surprising. Slowly, almost wary of some kind of prank, Naruto brought his cup to his lips and tasted the hot beverage. It was good, black tea and there seemed to be no strange substance added to it apart from an almost indiscernible touch of honey. The blond took a larger sip before he returned his gaze to the ninja seated across from him.

"Kakashi-san?" He tried again.

"If you ever become a ninja, I'll be your sensei," the man said without any sort of preamble.

"Huh?"

Kakashi sighed. "I made a promise to myself long ago, that I would become your teacher if you made genin. I never realized that maybe you wouldn't even want to be a genin." He said, talking as much to himself as to Naruto. "What do you want to be anyway?"

Naruto sputtered a bit. Why was this man - a stranger mainly - telling him this kind of things? Had they met before bumping into each other in front of the library four years ago? The blond racked his brain but came short of a satisfying answer. He was pretty sure it was the third time in all they had ever met. Naruto narrowed his eyes at the tall man.

"No offence, Kakashi-san but what's it to you?" He prodded, his tone neutral.

For a second, Kakashi looked like a deer caught in headlights before his one eye looked down and he sheepishly scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," said the jonin with a strangely shaky voice. "It's not really my business, is it?" He asked rhetorically, his eye downcast and his shoulders slouched.

Silence fell over the two, only disturbed by the hushed conversations the other patrons were having.

"History," said Naruto suddenly, prompted to answer by the miserable sight that Kakashi was composing. For now, the blond decided, he could answer the man questions. Soon, however, the man would have to answer some of his own.

"History is my hobby and I studied a lot so I was thinking maybe I could do something of it. I also studied medicine though and I… came to like it I'd say so if I'm to be a ninja I suppose I could be an iryo-nin." Naruto explained with a shrug of his shoulders.

Kakashi chuckled as his lone eye suddenly affixed itself on Naruto, something like _fondness_ shining in the grey iris, startling Naruto vaguely. Before the blond could ask himself any question about what he was seeing and if he was really seeing it, Kakashi spoke with warmth.

"I know it's not what you really want but I'll do my best to help you become the best iryo-nin, ever. How about that?"

Now Naruto was positively weirded out by this man who showing him such support despite seemingly not really knowing him. That got the boy frowning. He didn't want to think like that but the fact was that the villagers normally despised him and the one person he thought was supporting him had just told him his future was out of his hands. Suspicion began to creep up and read it ugly head in a corner of Naruto's mind.

"No offence, Kakashi-san and not that I don't appreciate the thought but…" Naruto's eyes narrowed and hardened into diamonds. "Why the heck would you help me? What am I to you?"

* * *

Kakashi watched over his cup of tea as the boy seated across from him went through several emotions and back. There was concern in the oby's blue eyes but once Kakashi had invited him to have tea with him, it had morphed into puzzlement. The boy had then been clearly weirded out by his behaviour much to Kakashi's secret hurt - he was supposed to be cool, dammit - only to finally grow suspicious of Kakashi's declaration.

The boy had never received help from anyone and the first time he was offered some - by a stranger admittedly - he was immediately wary of it rather than accepting of it without question.

Naruto was _already_ a ninja.

Kakashi sighed. "I cannot answer that. That'd be breaking a law," he said with regrets heavy in his voice.

"... What?!" Naruto exclaimed in stupefaction more than in outrage.

"However," said Kakashi in a mumble, "if you were to accidentally discover things about my past and make the connections, then I couldn't be blamed."

Naruto frowned, gasped for air, frowned anew and eventually gazed into nothingness as he scratched the line of his jaw. "You definitely would be blamed," he pointed out absentmindedly. "I mean you just admitted you had some kind of connection with me."

Kakashi eye-smiled behind his facemask. "We are not obligated to tell anyone." He suggested as he observed the gears in Naruto's mind turning as the boy was back to observing him.

"Are we secret brothers or somethin'?" The blond asked with a raised eyebrow causing Kakashi to choke on his tea. "'Cause no offence but I don't see it, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi sweatdropped and shook his head. "Hum, no, we are not blood-related Naruto."

Naruto eyed him up and down and smiled slightly. "Good." The boy decided. "You might be tall but I don't want to grow up to be gloomy like you." He declared with a smirk.

"I'm not gloomy," protested Kakashi immediately, 'I'm cool!"

"Ah! As if! You're totally gloomy Kakashi-san! All hunched over and dragging your feet, pah!"

"I am not!"

"Are too. You know what? Maybe _you_ should be _my_ brother! This way you'd become awesome like me!" Naruto beamed a smile his way.

Kakashi floundered with the notion. No! He was supposed to be the big brother! Why couldn't Naruto realize how cool he was? Wait, why were they even discussing that in the first place?

"No no no, no way," Kakashi protested, shaking his head valiantly against the ridiculous idea. "I'm the older brother here, there's no way around that!"

"What! Why? Just 'cause you're all tall and stuff? No way, wait a year and I'm definitely going to be taller than you!" Naruto counter-attacked with his arm crossed across his chest.

"It's not that, Naruto, it's just that I _am_ older than you!"

"Yeah well, we're not blood-related anyway so I vote that we don't decide who is the older brother by age only!" Naruto argued, nodding his head as if what he had just said made perfect sense.

"Impossible!" Kakashi retorted. "It's not what your father wanted anyway!" He protested in the heat of the moment.

It was the wide eyes of Naruto that told him he had just made a mistake. He replayed the last part of the exchange in his mind and his visible eye widened as he realized that he indeed had made a mistake.

"Ah. Well. Shit."

* * *

**AN: I hope you enjoyed. Enough to leave a review maybe. Or if you didn't, to tell me why?**

**This is the RaNt COrNer.**

**So someone commented that Hiruzen's character is shallow. As far as I'm concerned, Hiruzen is incredibly difficult to write as a ff author. I don't hate the guy - I _hate_ no character of Naruto - but when you take into account Canon, you're left with an old man who is supposed to be the absolute dictator of his village and who apparently couldn't make sure that the son of his predecessor (so basically royalty, or as close as it gets) who is also the village's living nuke, is treated like a normal human being.**

**What am I supposed to make of that? Is Hiruzen a scheming manipulator who willingly did nothing so that Naruto would be dependant on his support and that makes him a monstrous bastard or is he actually a "good guy" who for some reason still couldn't be bothered to act despite all his power and so isn't such a "good guy" after all?**

**So yeah, here, Hiruzen is just a _weak_ _old_ man who didn't act because he looked for a second, saw that Naruto wasn't dead yet, and decided it was good enough... so, basically Canon? I don't like to make Hiruzen a bastard manipulator because I think it's a too "cartoon villain" approach.**

**The ball in his plan - 'cause wrench equal ball - is that Naruto actually questions things here, contrary to Canon.**

**Just as well, I don't _hate_ Kakashi. I_ dislike_ what Kakashi wasn't. I get that 15 y.o Kakashi didn't adopt Naruto, I get that he was blocked by PTSD and would not have been much help in the development of a child. He wasn't however, a very fair teacher. Teamwork, I get it. Except you need to make sure the links of your chain can actually withstand the strain. In other words, he _should _have trained the genin's individual skills. I'm not too keen on holding that particular point against Kakashi himself though. I think it comes more from Kishimoto's horrendous writing.**

**However, what I fear was completely intended, was that fact Kakashi didn't acknowledge Naruto before the boy basically did the impossible: merging Fuuton with Rasengan and beating Pain. "Wow, look Naruto, you completed an S-rank jutsu even your genius father wasn't able to make and you saved the world. I think I might begin to like you a bit."**

**Yeah, okay I get there were PTSD and all that jazz working against him properly expressing his feelings but he _had_ 12 years to heal so don't get me wrong but I do think Kakashi is kind of an asshole for being this late to the party.**

**Naruto the manga didn't need Naruto to be an awesome ninja, it needed Naruto to be an awesome psychiatrist.**

**Anyway, end of the RaNt COrNer.**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: I'm quickly going to acknowledge here that with only five chapters, this story has nearly 10,000 hits already and close to a hundred positive reviews. That's an awesome response and I thank you all for it. I think every author who posts hopes for good reception and you all definitely delivered!**

**Now enjoy this train wreck.**

* * *

Naruto was seating in his cave, the round boulder of his own carving sealing the entrance shut. A powerful flashlight was standing upright and illuminating the dark interior. The blond was eyeing the faithful piece of parchment he had dragged around for four entire years.

"'Thod?" The blond mumbled, dispirited.

"Wassup?" The ink scribbled.

Naruto contemplated the scroll, unsure of what he wanted to say. Someone knew who his father was which meant they knew who his mother was. They could not reveal it to him because of a law which meant the Hokage knew which meant the old man had - as Naruto had known already - lied to him. It was simply confirmation.

Naruto really, really wanted to break something but he had nothing on hand and there was no way he would damage his boulder. He had taken too much time to carve and smooth the round piece of granite to waste it in a surge of anger.

The Hokage knew who his parents were, had lied to him by saying he didn't know, and for some reason had refused to tell an orphaned boy anything about his lineage. The thought was playing in repeat in Naruto's mind, going round and round in the boy's head, echoing in every single nook and cranny of his brain.

And there was something, something that was _boiling_ in his stomach. The sensation was filling him with a disagreeable heat, was making his hands shake, and was causing his teeth to grind together. He really, really needed to break something.

"I'm angry," whispered Naruto, his voice so low it was almost inaudible as if he was afraid of the admission.

"About what, idiot student of mine?"

Naruto ignored the jib - that wasn't even a good one - and sighed. What was he angry for? Being denied the basic right to know of his family? Being lied to all his life by someone he thought he could trust? Being treated unfairly _again_?

"About the way I've been treated." Naruto eventually chewed out.

"Well," scribbled the scroll after a few seconds, life isn't fair so…"

"No," said Naruto while shaking his head vigorously. "Life is a neutral ground and some assholes make it fucking difficult for the vast majority of people who didn't ask anything."

"You might be simplifying the thing a little here, you little twerp," prodded the parchment. "What happened exactly?"

"I've been lied to all my life." Naruto began in a dead voice. "I knew nothing about my burden until a day ago, I thought I had the choice to live my life but I actually don't, and the identity of my parents have been hidden from me as well. I can't think of any reason the Hokage would inflict that on me. The Kyuubi is an open truth, it damns me to a life I've no real interest in, and my identity, my birthright was denied." The boy counted on his hands. "You know what it looks like? It looks like the Hokage actually hates me and wants me to be miserable!" He finished, his voice rising and rising until it was a scream of anger that punctuated his statement.

"Maybe maybe not, idiot disciple. Maybe the Old Man had super good reasons, maybe he is just an asshole. Whatch'u gonna do about it? Break his knees?"

Naruto looked at the scroll but his eyes were gazing at emptiness. "I don't know. And I'm not sure I even want to break his knees." The boy fell silent for a few seconds before a crooked smile twisted his lips upright. "I can declare war on him though. Would you help me 'Thod?"

The scroll scribbled fast. "Not helping you killing anyone. Your Hokage might be an ass but he hasn't threatened your life directly yet."

Naruto pouted and glanced sideways at the scroll. "He literally told me he'd rip the Kyuubi out of me and kill me if he had to."

"Nah, idiot disciple, as you're now, that wouldn't kill you. More like make you weak in the stomach for a bit." Method dismissed in a jerk of black ink. "Anyway, what do you have in mind?"

Naruto cocked a brow at the scroll's assurance. The blond didn't know anything about fuinjutsu and the condition of jinchuuriki so he couldn't tell who was in the right here. Was the scroll putting too much faith in Naruto's talents or had the Hokage no idea of how it actually worked? The blond stored the thought for later and eyed the scroll again.

"I'm pranking him into next year. I need to be stealthy. Like, very very stealthy."

A smiley doodle etched itself on the scroll. "Ah ah, fear not idiot disciple, you're as immovable as the mountain already, you'll be gentle as the forest when I'm done with you."

Naruto smiled excitedly. "How am I going to do that, 'Thod?"

"Get naked."

"Oy!"

"Now."

* * *

My name is Konohamaru Sarutobi. I am the eighth Hokage, student of the seventh, Toad Sage and amateur historian.

Much like my master and probably because of him, I developed an interest in History during my time under his guidance. This little book you now hold is my humble attempt to cast light unto the events we know today as "the Lineage War", that was waged in Konoha in seventy-eight after founding between my master, who was twelve at the time, and the regular and special forces of the village.

This war saw the utter defeat of the konohan ninja forces and the surrender of the third Hokage, my grandfather to the terms of my master. We are getting ahead of ourselves, however, so let us begin with the beginning.

My master is an orphan and while this status is not rare for people in Konoha, the customs and laws of our village make it so that, normally, they are properly taken care of. It was not the case for my master. Due to his status as the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki and the misplaced fear and hate the civilians still held even so long after the attack, my master was ostracized by most of the Konoha population.

By his own admission, my master was never the victim of physical violence. However, people often misunderstand the true extent of what he still had to endure. His ostracization was complete which brought its own slew of problems, especially for a twelve years old boy without day to day support.

The orphanage got rid of him as soon as they could (at age six) and my master was expected to take care of himself. He had no knowledge of hygiene, cleaning, cooking, or what else. Only through the help of Yuugao Uzuki, at the time an agent of ANBU did my master not live in squalor. It did not mean his life was remotely easy: people ignored him thoroughly to the point they would not serve him in their business. He could not buy food seeing as cashiers would ignore him, was refused any and all play since parents would drive their children away from him, and he was refused education since teachers would not answer his questions.

Those are well-known facts about the life of my master but I think that to understand the war, it was necessary to remind them to the reader briefly. It is important to remember as well that my master had, at the time, no idea of why he was even treated like that. The last bit of crucial information is that my master had no idea of the identity of his parents, the knowledge of them denied by my own grandfather.

A shame our family is still trying to recover from.

Surprisingly, my master did not hate the population for his treatment. On the other hand, he did not love them either. This sentiment, along with an admittedly negligent gestion of the situation by the standing Hokage at the time, brought my master to consider not following the path of the ninja.

My master fancied himself more of a historian or a doctor and while today those choices would be seen as perfectly acceptable, the simple fact that my master was considering them caused an upheaval. Not being a ninja was an impossibility given that my master, as the Kyuubi jinchuuriki, was considered as a weapon of high importance by the Hokage, as per the military doctrine of those times. We are speaking of an ear before the treaty of Red Iron Crater was signed.

My grandfather the third Hokage was at the time one of the very few who did treat my master humanly. I am not proud of him however; given his powers, he was in a position to do much better than paying my master a visit once in a while and paying for his ramen. No matter, my master did see my grandfather as a person he could trust and hence, when doubts about his professional career came to him, he naturally went to the Hokage.

My grandfather made his first mistake that day when, after finally revealing his condition of jinchuuriki to my master, he strong-armed him into becoming a ninja. That was a diplomatic mistake he would come to regret in the coming months.

At the time, my master did not dislike the idea of being a ninja. He simply was not certain of what he truly wanted to do. What was important to him, however, was that he had been promised the freedom to become whatever he wanted. This promise, given to him as a very young boy by the Hokage, had been forgotten by my grandfather but vividly remembered by my master. Hence why the notion of being forced into something by the one person he thought he could trust felt especially distasteful to my master, who then decided he would not be a ninja on principle and as a way to protest his treatment.

He was twelve and even my master could be what would be colloquially known as a brat.

His decision was not immediate, however. My master was at first cowed by the Hokage, who made his second mistake by giving him the Shadow Clone Jutsu to learn, as a way of passing the required ninjutsu section of the Academy graduation examination.

By an extraordinary concourse of circumstances, this led to my master meeting his first teacher, one Kakashi Hatake, sixth Hokage and Hound Caller.

The exact way their meeting went is unknown but my master learned that day that Hatake knew his parent but could not, by law, reveal it to him.

My master, for the first time in his life according to him, was furious against someone that was not himself. He was furious against the Hokage and by extension, the village. It was the first of his now well-known bout of anger.

Konoha had no idea, at the time, what would befall them.

It began without a single sound. My master proceeded first to disappear in a spot that is even today known by him and him alone. He replaced himself with shadow clones to not arouse suspicion and apparently, trained his stealth and various other skills for a month with the help of countless shadow clones, the jutsu neural link allowing him incredibly fast progress.

Then, a month after my master disappeared, the third Hokage received a letter, unsigned, demanding in no uncertain terms that the lineage of one Uzumaki Naruto be revealed, under due threat of "exponential retaliatory pranking upon the entire village if such conditions weren't met quickly".

My grandfather made his third mistake that day by ripping the letter in half and ordering two ANBU to find and bring Naruto to him.

Needless to say, the ANBU were unsuccessful as the one Naruto they brought before the third Hokage revealed himself to be a clone after my grandfather told him in no uncertain terms that the identity of his parents was unknown. That was the fourth mistake of the Sandaime and the last as the clone declared the war started and immediately dispelled.

After that strange episode, nothing happened for three days and the threat of my master was dismissed, foolishly. My master, like a true strategist, lulled Konoha into a false sense of security before he struck.

On the morning of the fourth day after the war declaration, people awoke to see the main street of Konoha entirely painted in bright hues of orange, yellow, and blue. The street itself was littered with thousands of flyers reading "the Fox is your friend, don't believe the Hokage Tower".

The incident, while embarrassing, was quickly put under wrap and gave countless genin teams D-rank mission to wash away the paint. Secretly, ANBU was dispatched to various warehouses in an attempt to locate where exactly my master had procured so much paint. Their mission could not be completed in time.

Indeed, the following day, a giant orange fox had been painted over the Hokage Mountain. On the forehead of each past Kage was the same message: "the Fox is your friend, don't believe the Hokage Tower".

Once again, it was taken as an opportunity for D-rank mission, ANBU was told to continue to try to locate the paint used, and the Hokage talked to the people in the evening, assuring them that everything was under control.

My master heard that, apparently, because on the morning of the third day, a new message had appeared next to the old one: "the Hokage is lying, he doesn't have anything under control". This had been painted on every house of Konoha and signed by a stylized fox head. On the Hokage Tower itself, my master had somehow painted "very well, escalation it is". My grandfather did not realize then how much of a threat this actually was.

On the fourth day, the deer of the Nara clan disappeared, the hounds of the Inuzuka were doused in pheromones, the food caches of the Akimichi were plundered and completely emptied, the Yamanaka were poisoned with an inoffensive hallucinogenic drug, the Aburame lost control of their insects to countless jars of honey, the Hyuuga found their laundry to be tinted in all the colours of the rainbow, the Sarutobi found apes plundering their kitchen, and the lone Uchiha was gifted with an angry striped cat.

Covering each clan compound was the now dreaded message: "the Fox is your friend, the Hokage Tower doesn't have anything under control." ANBU was dispatched all around the village and the forest around it in search of my master. They came back empty-handed. Patrols were tripled and the black-ops were put in high alert, a state normally reserved for a possible enemy invasion.

The following day, Konoha as a whole was holding its breath, waiting to see what had been inflicted to them.

Countless civilians found themselves locked in their own home, the lock mysteriously changed during the night. The stocks of various merchants were swapped with one another: the butcher of Mainstreet open his fridge room to find rows upon rows of fishes while the tailor in Shodai avenue opened his business to reveal the hosts of the ninth street's animal shop. And those were merely examples of the chaos that reigned this day in Konoha.

Once again, everywhere, the message could be seen. "Don't trust Hokage Tower, they lie."

Needless to say that the citizens of Konoha were, by now, rather upset at everything that was happening. It is interesting to say that the anger, far from being focused on my master, was actually halved between him and the Hokage, who was seen as responsible for the pranking spree that the "demon brat" had decided to enter. It was expected of the Hokage to stop my master and the fact that he couldn't angered many civilians.

The ninjas were torn between admiration and anger.

ANBU once again came back without anything to show. Patrols were quintupled, the military was set in high alert and in an allocution, the Hokage once again affirmed he had everything under control and that Konoha "didn't negotiate with terrorists."

On the sixth day, there was a single message on the Hokage Tower.

"Very well, phase three."

It had been painted in black and there was a pirate skull next to it.

The end of the week and the seventh came without incident and tension reached unprecedented height as every ninja Konoha had to spare were searching the forest for my master. In vain, needless to say.

On the eighth day after the declaration of war, chaos, true chaos like Konoha had never known, struck Konoha.

Electricity was cut and people realized that their drink water had been poisoned the day before with a very powerful laxative, bringing countless people to the hospital which had been bombed with stink explosives. Mission scrolls had disappeared from the Mission Office, effectively paralyzing Konoha's business while flyers had been dropped along the various roads to the village, asking potential clients to "go sit on a dildo" and seemingly signed by the third Hokage himself. Countless patrols fell to harmless but painful and humiliating traps that littered the forest around the village.

The people who weren't sick were in the streets that night, brandishing panels and protesting, screaming for the Hokage to explain himself and for some, to give his resignation letter. A few fights erupted between ninjas tasked with maintaining order and protesters. Twelves people were wounded.

Seeing as there is no higher level of alert than high alert, the Hokage had no choice but to declare Konoha in a state of war.

"Very well," was the answer scribbled for all to see on the Hokage Monument.

The next day, ANBU headquarters was flushed with a paralysis gas that forensic could not identify, taking down fifty agents or so, the T&I low security cells were opened, allowing a hundred low profile and low danger targets to escape, and the cryptology department had their hardware hacked or destroyed, rendering them incapable of doing their work. The Hokage Tower once again was in no capacity to ensure business and the Hokage's pipe had been stolen.

The city itself was bathed in the pungent smell of gutter and rotten fish. When ninjas were sent to investigate, they found a large portion of the evacuation network flooded or blocked, causing the odour to rise. Several colonies of rats were released upon unsuspecting citizens, pillaging and plundering their home. Shinobi and kunoichi found their gear blunted and could not repair them, given the forges were forcefully closed due to an invasion of tarantulas from the Forest of Death.

The citizens who were physically able to protested for the entire day, ninja marching alongside them, demanding the Hokage to leave his office or give the Fox what he wanted.

On the evening of the ninth day, a white flag was unfurled from the Hokage Tower.

* * *

"You don't think it was a bit much?"

"Look, Kakashi-san. There comes a time when a man has to put his foot down and say enough."

"Still, the laxative and the rats were vicious, Naruto."

"I didn't want to go that far but the Hokage forced my hand."

"What would you have done if he hadn't surrendered?"

"Mhhm. I had one more phase in mind I could have escalated too. Let's just say phase four would have left nothing here."

"You… wouldn't have killed people, right?"

"Kill? Nah. I'm just saying Konoha would have become a place impossible to inhabit with what I had in mind."

"I see. I'm glad you didn't have to go that far. I also want to thank you for sparing me as you did."

"Well, you were the one who informed me about my parents. My debt is now paid."

"That wasn't a debt. A younger brother doesn't have to repay the older."

"You're so not my older brother, Kakashi-san. I obviously am the older brother here. I was the one who brought Konoha to its knees, I was the one who got the Hokage to unconditionally surrender and accept my terms, I was the one who just fought and won a war by myself. I feel like I deserve to be the older brother."

"And who exactly coached you for an entire month on asymmetrical warfare? It's my victory as much as yours!"

"What?! You didn't lay out the plan, you didn't prepare the resources needed, and you certainly didn't participate, so nu-uh, it's my victory!"

"Ungrateful little brother! Who gave you the money to buy all that paint! It's at least thirty per cent my win!"

"Urgh, fine! Fine! That still doesn't mean you're my older brother!"

"That's what your father wanted!"

"Well that's not what I want and that's not what you need, mister broody!"

"M-mister what?!"

"You're brooding, always! You think you look cool but you're so aloof! You need a firm hand in your life and that's me! From now on, you'll go out with Gai-san and co. more often and you're forbidden to stay more than an hour per week at the Stone."

"W-wha-what!?"

"That's right! As an older brother, it's my mission to make sure you're happy!"

"You brat!"

* * *

**AN: Do you want to leave a review?**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Hello all. So, a few reviewers left me messages (very polite, no worries) about how this fic "wasn't serious" or "wasn't like Sign Here for ANBU" (one of my other fic).**

**Well... yeah.**

**This fic is to Sign Here for ANBU what Austin Power is to James Bond: it's classified as "humour" for a reason. I posted a warning in chapter 1, I'll post it again now: this fic is a happy power trip I hope you'll find fun(ny).**

**Do not expect anything more. If you want super-serious, violent, realist Naruto, you won't find it here. I don't want anyone to be disappointed and there'll be no hard feelings if you leave. That being said, enjoy. :-)**

* * *

Today was the day of the Academy graduation exam. Naruto eyed the entrance of the place he had visited so little for the past four years and had nearly deserted in the past six months.

After he had won the war, the Hokage had told him the identity of his parents. The boy and the old man had had a very long discussion.

Naruto had broken the Hokage's desk and thrown the pieces of wood through the windows at the end of it but had agreed to several things after understanding the old man's point of view and worries and receiving his apologies as well as a coupon for unlimited ramen on the Hokage Tower's tab along with a couple of odd things here and there.

He was peeved about it but becoming a ninja seemed to be necessary after all. Being host to the Kyuubi put him in danger whether he wanted it or not and by learning the craft of a shinobi, Naruto would ensure his survival by becoming powerful. Given that he would be allowed to pursue his passions, the blond had relented.

There was also the matter that his father, the fourth Hokage himself, had been one of the most powerful shinobi of Konoha ever and Naruto had formed a clear objective after learning the bastard had been the one to seal the Kyuubi inside his own son only to kick the bucket and leave him in a village that hated him.

Naruto was going to become so monstrous he would relegate Minato Namikaze and his stupid Hiraishin no Jutsu to a footnote in history books. Naruto was more than a bit angry at his progenitor for doing what he had done and since the man was dead since a while already, Naruto would make him pay the way he knew how. The famous "Yellow Flash" would soon be eclipsed by… by… well, he still had to find himself a cool surname.

He didn't trust to shinobi population to come up with something good. "Yellow Flash", really? What was his father supposed to be, a lamp?

He had considered reducing Konoha to ruins for a second but after a short moment of introspection, he had decided that mass murder was not his thing and he preferred to leave that to the Uchiha traitor. He had also envisioned going to Iwa and becoming a ninja there just for the heck of it and make his father spin in his tomb but he didn't want to leave his little brother Kakashi to be all broody by himself in Konoha. So he was staying. He'd make sure to stay as bratty as possible, he'd maintain the citizens in fear of the Prank God and they would regret not treating him fairly, he'd rub in their face what they had done to the son of their "hero" and he supposed he would defend the village if push came to shove.

Naruto had no doubt it would be awesome. Now, however, he had an examination to pass. He had asked the old man to not reveal his heritage before he made genin so that he could crush the exam and flabbergast his good-for-nothing teachers without positive bias. He was especially impatient to see the rage in Mizuki's eyes.

That guy was a real asshole and Naruto's pranker instincts had repeatedly told him he was up to no good.

"Genin exam, here I come!"

Naruto was far from the first to enter the classroom. Students his age were discussing in hushed whispers about how they would become awesome ninjas and kick asses. The blond couldn't help but smile at how "awesome" they would be once tasked with washing the aftermath of his personal war on the village.

Indeed, even a few months after, there were still traces of the havoc he had wrought upon Konoha.

Nonchalantly, Naruto seated himself next to the brooding scion of the Uchiha clan.

Sasuke Uchiha, dark-haired, dark-eyed, white-skinned, handsome - and the boy was, no question, if one ignored his terrible haircut - was looking outside the window, his eyes resolutely refusing to meet anyone in the classroom, his fingers laced under his chin, a frown marring his brow. Naruto had no doubt the boy was contemplating how to painfully kill the assassin of his clan.

The blond had no doubt the Uchiha boy would explode before soon if he stayed like that. Too much seriousness killed seriousness. Heck, even Method forced Naruto to rest in-between two insane workouts, insisting that apart from killing himself, the boy would not accomplish anything if he pushed too far. Naruto had a suspicion Sasuke was like that and if he didn't loosen up, he would burn before doing much of his life.

"Naruto-baka! Give me the seat next to Sasuke-kun!" A girl screeched in his ears.

Naruto turned his head to see one Sakura Haruno looking at him with lightning in her green eyes and her fist raised and ready to punch. Her face was as red as her qipao and her peculiar, long pink hair were fluttering in a non-existent wind, probably to make her appear more intimidating.

Vaguely impressed by the hair trick, the blond threw a discreet glance at Sasuke next to him. It was fleeting, here not even for a moment, but Naruto saw it. The plea, the prayer in the Uchiha's eyes.

"Don't. Please."

The blond shrugged and started to rise from his seat.

"I'll owe you one." The eyes of Sasuke told him reluctantly.

Naruto smiled crookedly, sat and turned to Sakura again. "No. I was here first. Too bad for you, Sakura."

The girl faltered. It was highly unusual for a _boy _to refuse her and for a moment, she was lost. After a few seconds, however, she rose her fist again and endeavoured to plant it in Naruto's face.

The sound of flesh impacting flesh echoed meatily in the classroom and the students let their discussion to die down to look for the source of the commotion. Soon, the eyes of all those present found the sight of Sakura Haruno with her fist squished against Naruto Uzumaki's face. The girl was grimacing and the blond seemed indifferent. A second of absolute silence fled away from the classroom before Sakura jumped back, shaking her hitting hand as if she had badly burned herself.

"Owww! What the heck, what are you made of Naruto-baka," yelled Sakura in outrage.

"Steel reinforced concrete," Naruto deadpanned with a very serious expression on his face. "If you weren't made in marshmallow, you wouldn't have hurt yourself." He chided.

"What do you mean, made in marshmallow?"

"Just what I mean. Now go sit somewhere else, you're disturbing class Sakura."

"W-wha-huh?"

"Come one, shoo," gestured the blond boy with a vague motion of his hand. "Iruka-sensei is here."

Sakura startled and twisted with haste. Indeed, Iruka, the class teacher was waiting for whatever was happening to resolve itself, the vein pulsing in his forehead the sign his patience was running low.

"Sorry, Iruka-sensei."

"Thank you, Sakura. By the way, as you're still under my authority until tomorrow, you'll stay after class to copy some lines. You don't hit a comrade outside of a spar. Understood?"

"Yes Iruka-sensei," the girl squeaked, contrite.

"Good," said Iruka with a smile. "Now _sit down!_" He suddenly bellowed, his head growing to five-time its normal volume and his voice reaching the deafening power of a foghorn, the displaced air ruffling a few feathers and undoing a few hairdos.

Looking like an explosive note had just detonated mere feet away from her head, Sakura silently sat down, looking distinctly like some sort of disturbed hedgehog.

"Alright children, today is the day of the examination. It will happen in four parts: written examination, then taijutsu, shurikenjutsu and ninjutsu. You'll have one hour to finish the written examination after the top. I'll now distribute the paper, don't turn before the "go" or you'll be disqualified, no question. Understood?"

A chorus of "hai, sensei," answered the man and he nodded with satisfaction. It took barely a minute to distribute the exam to everyone and the go was given.

Naruto turned his sheet with confidence. He would not answer everything but maths, History and strategy would be a piece of cake.

An hour later, the teenagers were ordered to hand over their exam and guided outside for the shurikenjutsu examination. Naruto exited the classroom with a large smile on his face and a wink to Iruka, who smiled in return.

The Academy had everything necessary to train young wannabe-killers and as such, there were numerous fields for target practice and taijutsu sparring and katas within the precinct. Naruto's class was taken to a range for shurikenjutsu, a long alley with walls on either side to avoid stray shuriken injuring any passers-by. There were several targets - some of them moving - twenty to thirty meters beyond a firing line.

The goal of the examination was simple: "kill" at least twelve out of the twenty targets with twenty-five shuriken. A piece of cake and more of a formality for those present here.

Aburame Shino went first and as the discreet boy that he was, scored a relatively low fourteen. It was evident to Naruto that the Aburame heir could have done much better if he had been tempted to do so but Aburame ninjas were the absolute master at blending in the background.

Which was a pretty impressive feat considering they were all pretty fucking tall and dressed in an unmistakable way, with their long coat and sunglasses. Yet, they were some of the best infiltrators of Konoha somehow.

Naruto's classmates were called one after the other, Choji Akimichi scoring a fifteen, Kiba Inuzuka, heir to the Inuzuka clan, went for a more flamboyant performance and scoring a seventeen, Shikamaru Nara barely made it past the requirement by scoring a twelve with all twenty-five shuriken.

Eventually, it was Sasuke's turn. As the Uchiha boy advanced to the firing line, his fan club cheered him on. A faint grimace of exasperation painted itself on the boy's face but he quickly got his impassible countenance back and flawlessly scored a twenty out of twenty with four shurikens to spare.

"Uzumaki Naruto," called Mizuki.

Naruto accepted the throwing stars from the chuunin, immediately noticing they were blunted. The boy shrugged and smiled at his teacher before positioning himself at the firing line.

In a fluid motion too fast to appear as anything but a blur to those watching, he threw thirteen shurikens. The steel stars whistled in the air and impacted the cut-outs each made out of a solid plank of pinewood.

The first target struck caved in a shower of powdered wood, the star ricocheting off it to bury itself in another target's head, practically sawing it off. A quarter of a second later, another shuriken bore a hole the size of a frying pan in the torso of another target, continuing straight on to tear the head of another and bending a third. All eight moving targets fell from their railing, mangled to dust, in an eerie synchronisation. The last three shurikens took down two targets each.

Naruto eyed the result of his volley and clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Damn it, only nineteen. I missed the last ricochet" He said, giving his twelve remaining shurikens to a gaping Mizuki.

"Com'on, let's proceed," urged the blond after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, gesturing to the few students who hadn't had their turn yet. "We don't have all day."

"R-right," mumbled Mizuki, who had to go to another firing range given Naruto had just annihilated the one they had been using.

Yamanaka Ino was the last to throw her shuriken, scoring an eighteen as was expected of a clan heiress. Nobody made any comment about her good performance: students were too busy looking at Naruto like he had grown a second head.

"Alright all, let's proceed to taijutsu." Mizuki ordered, his voice once again firm and his jaw firmly locked in a closed position.

The class moved to one of the sparring areas. It was a simple field of barren earth where several circles had been drawn in the soil to delimit fighting rings. Iruka was waiting for the class with two other teachers.

"Okay everyone, the exercise is simple. We'll fight at genin-level and you're expected to hold your ground or better, get us out of the circle in under two minutes. The fastest you get us out, the better your score. Now let's begin."

Once again, students were called to one of two circles where Mizuki and one of the unknown teacher - a large man with a big nose - would test them before giving the score to Iruka or his colleague - a petite woman with large round glasses.

The clan heirs each made a good showing save for Shino whose performance was average and Shikamaru who barely held his own during the required two minutes. When it was the turn of Sasuke, his fan club once again cheered, getting an exhausted eye roll from the normally marmorean boy.

Naruto was called exactly at the same time and found himself against Mizuki, who was eyeing him calculatingly.

"Hajime," called Iruka for both matches.

Mizuki immediately sprung into action, darting against Naruto at speed far superior to that of a genin.

Naruto unfolded a newspaper and started reading.

The teacher had closed the distance between him and the blond boy, his feet sliding to find a solid balance for his upcoming punch.

Naruto held a cup for a clone to pour him some tea. The blond hummed with satisfaction as he took a whiff of the fuming beverage.

Mizuki armed a punch against his hips, readying himself for a strike of the age, one hit that would send the blond genin standing before him seemingly frozen and vibrating - in fear Mizuki had no doubt - out the circle, barring him from becoming a genin.

Naruto carefully folded his newspaper and threw a glance at the chuunin. With a yawn, he crossed his arms against his chest and frowned. Couldn't the guy go a tiny bit faster here? He had places to be!

Well, not really but his brother had invited him for tea and a reading session and Naruto was kind of impatient to discover whatever "priceless literature" Kakashi had promised him if he passed.

Mizuki fired his punch at high-chuunin speed, much too fast for any genin to see coming. Iruka cried something but the teacher was too far away to stop it now. Naruto would be knocked out by the punch and then, then Mizuki could rope the demon brat in his plan.

With the sound of glass breaking, the thoughts of the teacher stopped abruptly, along with the world. He felt something go up in his body, starting from his groin and ending somewhere in his throat. He coughed a drop of blood and felt himself be lifted up by some incomprehensible force. There was a collective wince as all the males in assistance dropped to their knees. A bird squeaked in indignation and sympathy. Then, a wave of unspeakable pain washed over Mizuki, that robbed him of his breath and his consciousness.

"M-match s-stop," sputtered a pale Iruka, his eyes wide at the sight of his colleague hanging unconscious from Naruto's right feet after a phenomenal shot in the privates. "M-medic," squeaked the teacher, flashbacks from his last mission gone wrong flashing before his eyes.

"Dude!" Kiba suddenly exclaimed from the sideline, his hand protectively placed in front of his own jewels, "not cool!"

Naruto turned to the Inuzuka, who flinched slightly but held his ground and his disapproving look. The blond turned back to the unconscious form of Mizuki and then to the Inuzuka again. "Too much?"

"Way, way too much dude. Everyone felt that!"

All the gathered boys nodded in assent and Naruto chuckled while scratching the back of his head. "Sorry guys. Didn't mean it. But that's why Iruka said to protect that part, right?"

"Well, yeah," agreed Kiba hesitantly, "but still!"

"Okay, okay," placated Naruto with his hands raised, the prone form of Mizuki gathered in a foetal position behind him. The blond turned back and nudged the unconscious teacher with his feet. "Sorry, sensei."

"Hum, N-Naruto Uzumaki, match over, two seconds," choked Iruka.

Nobody was caring anymore at this point. Sasuke simply recovered faster than his opponent and tripped him over the circle, enjoying a victory in fifteen seconds and slinking back into the crowd as unseen as he could manage, his fangirls too preoccupied to really pay him any attention.

Heh, ninja, right?

In the end, Mizuki was carried away to the hospital by a team of ANBU, and the exam was promptly finished without further incident.

"Everyone, time for the last part of the exam, the ninjutsu portion. Let's get to it."

Once again, the class changed location and neared a fake clearing littered with logs of all size and shape.

"Okay, we're going to test you at random, meaning you'll be asked to do one of the Academy three as decided by a dice roll. The better the mastery, the higher the grade. Now let's begin.

One by one the students were called inside the clearing, leaving it by another side so that no one from the remaining candidates could know who had passed and left with a headband and who hadn't. Eventually came the turn of Naruto.

The blond stepped inside the clearing after Iruka, who went to sit next to the petite woman with glasses.

"Okay Naruto, you're going to show us the Substitution Jutsu please."

Naruto nodded eagerly and a second after Naruto was still nodding eagerly except there was another Naruto right behind Iruka and the woman who was nodding eagerly. "Done," both boys clamoured, startling the two teachers. The Naruto in front dispelled in a puff of smoke, occasioning a shocked gasp from the two instructors.

Iruka recovered quickly and fished in a bag next to him for a forehead protector bearing the leaf insignia. He looked at the headband long and hard, mumbled "the world isn't ready," looked some more only to eventually shrug in indifference, whispering "not my problem" and handing it over to Naruto.

"Congratulations Naruto, you're a ninja now."

Naruto beamed him a smile and bowed deeply. "Thanks, Iruka-sensei. Ya know, it was pretty fun to have you as a teacher, even if I wasn't here a lot. You are a pretty cool sensei, 'ttebayo," said the blond, his shining smile still in place before it faltered and suddenly, Naruto looked bashful.

"I know I wasn't the best student but I want to thank you but I didn't really know what you like so I got you this," mumbled Naruto with a dusting of pink over his cheeks, holding a small present to his sensei out of nowhere.

Iruka swallowed thickly, his throat suddenly tight, and blinked several times to clear his eyes from the annoying bit of dust that had settled inside. "Thanks, Naruto."

The blond smiled again. "I hope I hit the mark!" And with that, the boy darted away, forehead protector in hand.

With slightly trembling hands, Iruka unwrapped his present, revealing a small costly-looking book. "The ins and outs of barrier ninjutsu," whispered the chuunin instructor, his eyes widening before he looked up. "How did he even know?" He wondered aloud.

"Iruka-san?" The woman inquired, curious as to what the boy had gifted his sensei.

Iruka looked at the woman, giving her a puzzled look. "It's a book on Barrier Ninjutsu. It's a domain I've been wanting to try out for a while now but I never found the time. I just have no idea how Naruto could know I was interested."

The woman shrugged. "Luck?"

Iruka nodded hesitantly. He wasn't sure there was such a thing as luck when Naruto was concerned.

None of the teachers noticed the Naruto hidden behind them who silently dispelled with a smile on his face.

* * *

Naruto walked through the streets of Konoha until he reached the address Kakashi had given him. He looked at the door of the high-standing building he was standing in front of.

Damn those filthy rich jonins and their fancy condominiums.

Naruto rang at the Hatake name and a second later, a buzzing noise informed him the door was open. The boy climbed the flight of stairs until he reached the fifth and last storey. One of the doors was ajar and Naruto knocked before inviting himself inside.

"Hey Kakashi-nii, it's Naruto."

After a very serious, deadly competition of janken in one hundred matches, Naruto had lost the right to be the older brother. The blond was a bit peeved about it, especially considering he had lost to Kakashi using the Sharingan to read his movements and guess his next move. He should have gone faster.

But heh, ninja, right?

Kakashi exited his kitchen, wearing an atrocious pink apron which Naruto stared at for a full five seconds before he shuddered.

"And they said orange is ugly," he mumbled, taking here and then the decision that this apron would not be tolerated. It was no wonder his brother was a brooding mess!

"Heya, Naruto." Kakashi eye-smiled. "So you passed."

"Well… yeah. Wasn't complicated really." Naruto exclaimed with a smile that fell to reveal a frowning, pensive expression. "It was almost too easy now that I think about it. I wonder if there is another surprise for us."

Kakashi felt a bead of sweat roll down his spine. "Naaahh, you have the headband now, they can't say anything anymore, right?"

Naruto thought about it for three solid seconds before he smiled. "Yeah, no way, right?"

The two adoptive brothers laughed good-naturedly, although Kakashi did sound a bit strained. Naruto dismissed it: there were many reasons a jonin could be anxious, especially one wearing such an ugly apron.

"So," said the boy. "What book did you want to show me?"

"Well," Kakashi answered with enthusiasm peaking in his tone. "I have a couple you might find interesting! Let me show you the place first, though."

Kakashi lived, as Naruto had guessed, in a condominium for filthy-rich jonin. Everything was spacious, clean, made by a designer and whatnot. The boy noted that it was decorated with a taste he would never have guessed his older brother possessed. Eventually, he was shown to Kakashi's personal library.

The room was large, larger than it had any right to be, and each wall was actually a large bookcase, from one end to another, from floor to ceiling. There had to be at least a thousand books here. The coolest thing, however, was the three gorgeous chairs that looked sinfully comfortable.

"Holy Kami," whispered Naruto.

"Not bad, huh?"

The blond turned to his brother with stars in his eyes. "That. Is. So. Cool!"

Kakashi smiled. "Tea should be ready."

Naruto nodded distractedly and turned his attention to the countless book. With careful steps, as if he was afraid that walking too loudly would disturb something, he approached one bookcase. His eyes lit up at the titles he saw.

"Awesome, Kakashi-nii." Naruto breathed out.

* * *

Naruto was leisurely sprawled in one of the most comfortable seats in existence on this miserable world of angles and hardness. In his hands, he was holding a limited, signed edition of the "History of the Elemental Nations" by none other than Tobirama Senju, the Second Hokage.

The man had been a brilliant scholar during his life - a better researcher and inventor than Kage, in Naruto's humble opinion - and each one of his writings were treasures troves of information. Obviously, that meant they were nearly impossible to find.

Next to Naruto, also Naruto - but a different one - was reading a little journal with a leather cover. The small book, covered in neat handwriting, was a gift from the Yondaime to his last student, consigning inside an insane wealth of knowledge about fuinjutsu. It was a handwritten book, it was literally unique and Naruto was holding it open on his lap, trying to puzzle its wondrous content.

His father might be a bit of a bastard and not much of a father but damn Kami he was a brilliant seal master.

Kakashi was lounging in the third and last chair, his lone eye perusing the content of a little orange book. The tea had since long gone cold and it was getting dark outside but the two brothers were too absorbed in their readings to care.

Until Naruto's stomach growled loudly in protest. It sounded like a mining shaft was caving in, like a volcano was awakening, like the Earth was opening in two.

"Huh. I might need something to eat," commented the boy cooly.

"Yes, it would seem so," said the second Naruto with indifference, his nose still in his book.

Kakashi smiled. "You're famished aren't you?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head and chuckled. "Yup, didn't see time pass. You hungry bro? Ichiraku ramen, best ramen in town, my treat." He offered.

Kakashi hummed before he nodded. "Ramen it is."

* * *

Ayame Ichiraku, the sole daughter of Teuchi Ichiraku, renowned ramen chef of Konoha, was busying herself behind the counter of her family's small restaurant when a most peculiar vision came to her on this early evening.

She was pretty certain the sun was setting westwards like usual and the sky was already tinted in all kinds of orange and mauve for it yet she had to blink when a second star suddenly appeared in front of her.

"Heya, Ayame-chan!" The sun greeted with enthusiasm and in a voice that was definitely familiar. "Meet my brother!"

The young woman blinked again and scratched her brown eyes, too full of light and brightness to see clearly. Shielding her vision, she saw that there was some sort of moon behind the ball of shininess that was sparkling in front of her.

She blinked a third time and her sight finally adjusted, revealing a young, blond teenager that was full-in transitioning between boyishly cute to handsome standing in front of her counter; following him was a tall, lanky man with spiky white hair and an eye-smile, the lower part of his face hidden behind black silk. The maiden felt her heart suddenly race.

Who was this pair of stunningly good-looking (or at least, Ayame assumed the masked man was as handsome as his little brother) shinobis, the waitress wondered with stars in her eyes.

"Huh… Ayame-chan, hello?" The voice called again, unsuccessful in cutting through the fog that was paralyzing the young woman's mind.

"Oh! Naruto! Long-time no see, boy!" Ayame heard her father call from deeper in the kitchen.

That tore the veil that had fallen in front of her eyes and the waitress finally recognized Naruto. She felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment and surprise both. How come she hadn't recognized her first customer and favourite boy and when had Naruto become so handsome?

And who was this tall, mysterious man behind him he called a brother? Ayame was certain that the blond boy - poor boy - had no family.

"H-hello Naruto-kun!" She sputtered eventually with a flustered smile on her lips. "Her for dinner?" She asked, deciding to operate in known boundaries.

"Yep, bringing my nii-chan too to taste your awesome ramens!"

Ayame eyed the boy's "brother" and smiled. "Sure, please take a seat."

"So, Naruto!" Her father bellowed with a chuckling voice. "Where have you been?"

The blond smiled. "First, Teuchi, Kakashi," he said while pointing at the tall man next to him. "Kakashi, master Teuchi."

The two older men exchanged a greeting, Kakashi throwing a light "yo" and the cook formally welcoming the new guest in his establishment.

"What will it be for you two gentlemen?"

"Miso with extra pork and a dash of chilli for me!" Naruto ordered immediately with the ease of someone who knew the place well.

Kakashi pointed at the boy. "I'll have that too if possible but without the additional chilli."

"Comin' right up!" Teuchi assured with a large smile. "Anything to drink?"

"I'll have some lemonade."

"A beer for me."

It took a second for the drinks to be set on the counter.

"Well, cheer," said Naruto, who proceeded to throw down half his bottle of lemonade in two large gulps.

Kakashi simply raised his glass a little and drank _through_ the silk of his facemask somehow.

Ayame sighed in vague disappointment before she returned to her cooking, still allowing her ears to listen to what was being said.

"So?" Teuchi pressed his question, curious of where the boy had been. It had been a while since she and her father had seen their favourite customer and Ayame would be lying if she said she hadn't been worried a little.

"Well, I was here and there, ya know? Asking myself questions about my future and learning ninja stuff."

Teuchi pointed at the boy's headband. "You're a shinobi now, though."

"Yup. And I intend to celebrate tonight. It's on the Hokage's tab."

Ayame could _hear_ the brow of her father rise. "Are you sure?"

"Yup, yup, negotiated that with him not long ago. I have a credit of ten thousand Ryo of ramen here. That should hold me for a while," explained the boy who suddenly beamed a smile. "Noodles for free for the next five years!" He exclaimed.

"That's… that's a… nice present, I suppose," said Teuchi, unsure of what to think.

Ayame could, once again, _hear_ and guess the mischievous smile that bloomed on the blond's lips.

"Oh but it's not a present," the blond chuckled. "It's a spoil of war."

"A spoil of war?" Teuchi repeated, not understanding.

"I still can't believe you got that out of your victory," commented Kakashi who sipped on his beer.

"Meh, Konoha lost. Konoha pays the price."

"Konoha… lost? What are you talking about, Naruto?" Teuchi asked with a frown.

The boy waved his hand. "Nothing important, Teuchi. I was the one Konoha fought two months ago."

Ayame whirled on her feet, eyes wide and mouth agape. She pointed a trembling finger at the blond and stammered. "Y-you caused all this-this chaos?!"

Naruto shrugged and pointed a thumb at Kakashi. "I had help."

The maiden frowned dangerously. "Naruto, do you realize how worried we were? Konoha was suddenly at war with someone unknown, you had disappeared somewhere unknown, and it was absolute chaos! You could have… you could have warned us!" She lectured, not amused by the boy's pranking exploit if her expression was anything to go by.

"Relax, Ayame-chan, nothing happened to me. Rather, I happened to Konoha," he said with a broad grin.

Teuchi guffawed and shook his head, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "those damn Uzumaki" - it could have been "I need more wasabi" though, Ayame wasn't sure. The daughter narrowed her eyes suspiciously at her father. Did he know something she didn't about Naruto? She glared for a second before turning to face Kakashi.

"And you helped him? What kind of big brother allow his younger sibling to do something so dangerous?!" She chastised, her arms crossed over her breast.

Kakashi eyed her with a seriousness she wasn't prepared for. "The kind of big brother who has full confidence in his little bro's capacities." He affirmed with a light but firm voice.

Naruto beamed at the praise. "Kakashi-nii is awesome Ayame-chan and he helped a lot so don't be hard on him!" The blond explained.

Ayame huffed and served her two guests their order. She wasn't really mad at either of them.

She was more disappointed to not have been part of Naruto's war on Konoha. She could have… She didn't know really, be part of the logistic and in charge of the food, maybe?

Her disappointment increased when Kakashi started eating his noodles - very neatly, like a proper gentleman, contrary to Naruto - with his facemask _still_ on.

* * *

**AN: if you enjoyed, leave a review. If you thought Kakashi's entire collection of books was porn, denounce yourself in a review.**

**Warning, you're entering the RaNt CoRNer.**

**"Please make this a harem, please do this, please do that." My answer will be simple, short, and to the point:**

**NO.**

**Phew, you're leaving the RaNt CoRNer.**


	8. Chapter 8

Naruto gave his ninja registration card to the Hokage and waited. Hiruzen looked at the card and at the photo.

"That's… How do I say that?"

"Not me at all?"

"Precisely. You'll have to redo it, Naruto."

"No."

Hiruzen sighed. "No?"

"I'm a ninja. People aren't supposed to know what I look like. The fewer photos of the real me there is, the better it is. You know I'm one of your ninjas, I'm already wearing a headband that announces my allegiance to the entire world - which is pretty hecking stupid if you ask me - so let's not add to it, shall we?"

The Hokage hummed. "Well, it would make a lot of sense if you were an ANBU but you're simply a genin."

"And? There is ninja in genin."

"Well… for administrative purpose, it'd be good to have your real face."

"Again, I can't see why," observed Naruto. "Anyone ever looks at those photos anyway? Apart from spies I mean?"

"Naruto, please?"

"Nope."

"Are you being like that because it's me?" The old man pleaded with another sigh.

"Maybe," Naruto answered with a grin. "If you can't accept this photo, then I fear I won't become a ninja," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"You know I could have one of my ANBU take a photo of you."

"Like any spies in the village, I imagine. At least that'd make them work on their stealth." The boy taunted with a snark, his eyes glancing at one corner of the office where he could hear one of the Hokage's silent protectors breath slightly too loud.

"I can't understand how you got so good in a matter of a month."

Naruto smiled deviously. "A good ninja doesn't reveal his tricks, am I right?"

"I thought you didn't want to be one."

"Yup but you want me to be one, so I'll act like one."

Hiruzen sighed again. "I don't know what to do with you."

"Yes you do, you just don't know if you'll suffer my snark for much longer or finally try to punish for insubordination. I'm curious about it myself. I still have things in mind for Konoha." The blond said flippantly

"Naruto… you can't fight my authority at every corner. We have a deal."

"Which never included anything about respecting anything, just me becoming a ninja."

"Being a ninja includes respecting your officers." The old man pointed out.

"I guess that's a matter of interpretation, then." Naruto shrugged. "You should have negotiated harder."

"I can't have a seemingly rebellious jinchuuriki in my forces, Naruto."

"It's funny because it really doesn't sound like it would be my problem."

"It could be."

"Ah, so we're back to threatening each other, huh? Do you want another war? I have no problems waging another one, let me be clear on that. You left me to my own devices when I was six, allowed the entire villagers to screw me over time and again, you didn't even bother to check if I was taught properly and suddenly I'm your all-important weapon? Nah, that's not how it works. That's not how any of this work. We struck a deal I'm gonna respect but don't expect me to put in any effort."

Hiruzen gave the boy a hurt look. "Am I that evil to you, Naruto?" He breathed out painfully.

"What do you want me to say to that?" Naruto retorted, slightly incredulous. "You pretended like buying me ramen once in a while and calling me your grandson was okay but you couldn't be bothered to do shit about my situation. You spared a glance once every so often and as long as I was alive, all was right in the world. Is that evil enough to you? Would you have allowed it with any other kid? What if it had been your grandson?"

The Hokage looked like he had been hit for a second before he composed himself a neutral mask. "I regret-"

"You regret but that doesn't change what I had to endure nor what I'm forced into. I'm your weapon, I get it, I'll be it. Don't expect me to love you like a human. What did you believe I was: some sort of happy-go-lucky idiot with an endless pool of love that'd accept everything thrown at his face without ever saying anything?" Naruto questioned with a frown.

"Well-"

"Don't answer that," cut Naruto with a shudder. "Anyway, you burned _that_ ship."

"Is that how it's going to be?" The Hokage asked with a tired voice.

"You made it that way." Naruto pointed out evenly.

"I'm sorry. Truly I am."

"You can be sorry all you want, I'm still the one paying for everything, as usual. You being sorry doesn't make my life better, you being sorry doesn't allow me my freedom."

"Life isn't fair."

"Yes, my own father and yourself made sure mine wouldn't be. Now if you'll excuse me, you'll have some visit in three, two, one-"

"En garde Jiji, kore!" A little boy wrapped up in a blue scarf bellowed while barging in the office, the door pushed open suddenly.

Naruto sidestepped the windmilling little brown-haired boy who tripped on his overly long scarf and fell face-first on the floor.

"Oww, Jiji, a trap? That's smart!"

"Are you alright? And there was no trap here, honourable grandson!" A ninja exclaimed from the door, causing the boy to grimace.

The brown-haired Sarutobi jumped on his feet and looked left and right. "An ambush then? Ah ah!" He exclaimed, pointing a finger at Naruto. "You tripped me!"

Naruto exhaled powerfully from his nose and gave the small child a dead look, Nara Inc. "Nah," he drawled. "You're so clumsy you fell 'cause of your scarf."

"Don't lie to me! You're one of Jiji's ninja, you defend him, you definitely tripped me!"

Naruto turned to look at the Hokage. "Was there anything like that in the contract?"

Hiruzen couldn't help the little smile that tugged on his lips and nodded. "Yes, I remember putting that in."

"Ah, so you admit to it!"

Naruto looked back to the child. "No." Faster than the eye could blink, however, the blond teenager suddenly rasped on the boy's skull and swept at his legs gently, causing him to fall again. "Here. Now I did it." He said with a grin.

"How dare you put your hands on the honourable grandson?" The ninja at the door barked, his frown and his sneer a clear indication of what exactly he thought of Naruto, even behind his dark sunglasses.

The blond sighed and waved at the ninja while looking at the Hokage dead in the eyes. "See? Totally no bias against me in your shinobi forces. Absolutely none."

The old man sighed and massaged his brow. "What would you have me do? Hypnotize them?"

The blond scoffed. "Oh, I don't know, teach them, explain, lead them? I thought your surname was "the Professor", so be the professor or something." Naruto deadpanned before he glanced back at the brown-haired child that was giving him a strange look. "As for you."

Naruto rasped his knuckles against the child head once again, eliciting a squeal of displeasure from him. "That's for accusing people wrongly. Don't be like this village thinking you don't get what you deserve for doing that."

Turning on his heels, the blond teenager showed his tongue to the ninja who was still at the door, frozen in shock or disgust, and exited the Hokage's office.

A few minutes later, Naruto was walking the streets of Konoha, a canned drink bought in a little store in hand, and whistling an atrociously out-of-key song - just to be annoying, he could whistle perfectly fine. Passers-by would throw him annoyed look at his overly enthusiastic, loud, and grating whistling and Naruto would answer each of them with a wave.

Suddenly, the blond teenager sighed and stopped. "You know, your stealth is absolutely terrible. Come out if you want something."

"Ah ha! As expected of you! You're as good as people say you are!"

"Kid, no one says that I'm good." Naruto corrected.

"My grandpa does!"

Naruto felt his eyebrows rise in spite of him. "Does he now? Because it isn't thanks to him. What do you want?"

"I want you to teach me!"

A lull of silence stretched between the two boys before Naruto shrugged and turned heels. "Not in the contract, sorry kid."

"Wha? Wait! Please!" The little boy pleaded, latching on Naruto's leg. "My tutor doesn't teach me anything! I need to become strong to defeat my grandfather but four-eyes doesn't teach me any jutsu!"

"And… ?"

"And what?"

"Well, what do you expect from me?"

"Well, well, you're awesome so you can definitely teach me the stuff!"

"Your tutor, was he the one in the office?"

"Yeah, lame huh?"

"So you have a tutor. He is an active ninja given he had a headband. His lack of proper uniform indicates that he is at least tokubetsu-jonin considering his age. And you want me, a genin, to teach you?" Naruto asked carefully.

"Yeah!" The boy nodded with enthusiasm. It made perfect sense, right?

Naruto refrained from facepalming, sighed and crouched in front of the boy. "What's your name boy?"

The little Sarutobi's eyes widened. "K-Konohamaru," he muttered.

"Alright, Konohamaru. How much time has your tutor been teaching you?"

"Hum, three months. I'm beginning the Academy this year."

Naruto eye-smiled. "I see. You know, when I was your age, I wanted to become super strong super fast too. I thought there were shortcuts to strength. Then I met someone who set my views straight. I met someone who made me work and work and work until I was exhausted and beyond that even, every single day."

The blond tapped Konohamaru's cheek. "I have nothing to teach you that the Academy and your tutor won't. I can tell you one thing if you want to hear it."

The brown-haired Sarutobi nodded eagerly.

"There is no shortcut to strength. You have to work your ass off. And you certainly won't beat your grandfather by tomorrow."

* * *

"Team seven will be Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura. Your sensei will be Kakashi Hatake," announced Iruka before listing ten eight and ten and dismissing the class for lunch.

Sakura's scream of "true love triumphs!" hid the sounds made by a powerful eye-roll and a disgruntled sigh.

Naruto looked at Sasuke, whom he was sitting next to. The blond hummed in thoughts before he nudged the Uchiha's shoulder. Sasuke sent him a glare which Naruto ignored.

"Would you like to eat together, as teammates?"

Sasuke's glare hardened before he simply turned away, refusing to dignify Naruto with even a huff. The blond felt a vein pulse on his forehead and plastered on his face a grin that was all sharp and gleaming teeth before his hand gripped the back Sasuke's head. The Uchiha startled at the contact and struggled silently as, with a grip of iron, Naruto forced him to look at him.

"I asked you," said Naruto frostily, "would you like to eat together, as teammates?" The blond had his blue eyes narrowed and somehow, they seemed to hold the cold of a merciless blizzard.

Sasuke fought for a few seconds against the blond's grip and, seeing that it was futile, huffed. "No, thank you," he spat out behind grinding teeth.

"Oh? Why is that?" Naruto asked, his eyes reduced to two slits, uncomfortably predatory, his canine shining ominously.

"I didn't bring lunch." The Uchiha answered tonelessly.

"Now, Sasuke-kun, it's not good to lie. I can smell the tomatoes from here. Why wouldn't we share our lunch like the wonderful team we're going to be?"

"I don't need a team!" Sasuke hissed in a hushed but no less harsh voice, trashing in vain against Naruto's hold on him.

"You don't get to decide that," spat Naruto in return, his voice just as dangerously low. "Now be a good boy and come eat with your teammates."

"Unhand me," tried the Uchiha, his eyes projecting fire and lightning.

"Not unless you share your meal with me." Naruto answered in a tone that begged no contradiction.

The Uchiha tried and wrestled with Naruto's immovable arm and hand for another few seconds before he stilled, his face red with effort.

"Why the hell are you so strong?" He snarled.

"That's my business but I might be tempted to explain it to my _teammates_," Naruto answered with a cold smile that did not reach his eyes. "So, interested in a meal with me?"

Naruto could hear Sasuke swallow and after a few seconds, the Uchiha nodded lightly. The blond smiled a genuine smile. "Good. We might have avoided trouble already."

"Nhn?"

"Nothing, let's just go eat," Naruto said as he rose from his seat and turned, looking for Sakura.

The entire class was looking at him in silence like he had grown not only a second but also a third head. Iruka was conspicuously looking at a stack of paper in his hands.

"What are you lookin' at? Don't you have fishes to fry or something?" Naruto barked before he gestured to Sakura. "Let's go Sakura, lunchtime, am I right?"

The pink-haired girl nodded in silence, apparently torn between screaming at Naruto for strong-arming Sasuke into doing something and just going with the flow because she had dreamed of a lunch with Sasuke for years now. She hadn't envisioned Naruto to be here but still, that was better than nothing.

Under the attentive stares of their classmates, the trio exited the classroom, Naruto with a firm hand on Sasuke's shoulder to avoid any flight attempt from the Uchiha. Two minutes later, team seven reached the open roof of the Academy.

Silently, Naruto gestured for Sasuke to sit down on one of the benches that lined up the edge of the roof. Sakura motioned to seat close to the dark-haired boy but Naruto stopped her cold when his hand fell on her shoulder.

"Naruto-bak-"

Whatever Sakura was going to say was lost when she saw the arctic look Naruto was giving her. She swallowed thickly and allowed the blond boy to seat her gently at the edge of the bench, a good meter separating her from the object of her affection. Naruto gave her a satisfied nod and a smile that gleamed with too much teeth to be anything else than a warning.

"If you move, I'll eat your face off." The blond silently communicated with his grin and an ice-cold eye-smile.

With Sakura cowed, Naruto cleared his throat and looked at his two unwilling companions with intensity.

"Alright, I know you don't want to be here for various reasons, Sasuke hates every second of it but I don't really give a shit. We're a team now and if we want to stay one, we're going to be friends. We're going to love it and it's going to be awesome. Understood?"

Both Sasuke and Sakura gave him looks that clearly meant that no, it wasn't understood. Naruto sighed.

"Look, I don't want to be here either, even less than the both of you. By circumstances and necessity, we're team seven. Now we have two solutions as I see it: we can become a team and learn from each others and that'll certainly help us not only stay alive but also achieve our goals. Or we can pout like immature children and die at the first mishap that falls on us."

Sasuke growled and uselessly attempted to kill Naruto with his eyes only. "I don't _need _a team, _dobe_. You both are weak and you'll be useless burdens." He spat angrily.

Naruto returned the glare. "And what do you _need_ then, _teme_? And I'm weak? You didn't pass the taijutsu exam in _two seconds_!"

The Uchiha huffed. "Pff, luck and nothing else. Dumbass."

"Wanna test it, asshole?" The blond hissed threateningly.

"You're not worth the effort."

"You're scared, loser?"

That seemed to push the wrong button as Sasuke turned a death stare of an intensity not yet reached towards Naruto. The black-haired boy snarled like a savage animal. "You have no idea what being scared means." He growled.

"And you're going to teach me?" Naruto snorted disdainfully.

Sasuke slowly shook his head and rose from his seat before he came face to face with Naruto. "No," whispered the Uchiha in the blond's ear. "You don't have any family to lose. Do you, _orphan_?"

"Nah, never had this chance," answered Naruto casually. "I wonder how it is to have memories to cherish."

"When they have all been slaughtered," said Sasuke evenly, "It's a constant reminder of how miserable you are and how weak you were."

The blond Uzumaki stayed silent at that. Believing it to be his victory, Sasuke attempted to side-step Naruto but the boy suddenly pushed firmly against the bench. The push, gentle but powerful, forced the Uchiha to stumble back and sit down again.

"So what do you _need_, Sasuke Uchiha? A new family to heal your misery or strength to never be weak again?"

Sasuke threw him a murderous glare and growled once again. "Don't speak like you have any idea what-"

"Oh don't pull that card on me you arrogant bastard! Your family died and I can't understand your pain? Well _I _never had _any _family and the villagers despise me!" Naruto snarled. "Are you gonna be the asshole and pretend your pain is greater than mine? Are you gonna be that guy, huh?!"

Sasuke recoiled.

"You're on a team now, Sasuke. Are you gonna make the most of it? Nooo, mister Uchiha is too good for that! Mister Uchiha is gonna mop in the corner and wallow in his suffering. Mister Uchiha will pretend he can't see the hands around him and ignore what he can have! I thought your clan had good eyes but were they all blind as bats like you? It's no wonder-"

"Don't you fucking dare finish-"

"They all fuckin' died!"

"Arrgghhh!"

Sasuke jumped at Naruto with the enraged scream of a madman, his eyes blazing with fury, his cry of anger drowning the squeak of fright from Sakura.

Naruto pivoted and flexed his knee before he grappled one of the Uchiha's arms that was just above his head, grasping at nothing. With a roll of his shoulder and a shift of his waist, the blond threw the dark-haired boy across the roof. Sasuke had his breath robbed from him as he impacted the concrete on his side with too much force.

"You fucking no-name orphan! I'm going to murder you!" Sasuke bellowed from his crouched position as soon as air entered his lungs again. "I'm going to burn you to a crisp!"

"Pfff, that's if you can aim." Naruto dismissed the threat mockingly.

Sasuke was already running through hand signs.

"Aww, penis," muttered the blond before he leapt at Sakura and jumped away from the bench with the girl on his shoulders, a torrent of flames devouring the poor wooden construct and scorching the concrete away.

"Where are you, you fucking bastard?"

"Right here," announced Naruto with a chop to Sasuke's neck, causing the Uchiha to fall in a heap of sprawled limbs, unconscious.

The blond boy sighed and looked at Sakura, whom he still had on his shoulder.

"Hum, N-Naruto-san?"

"Yes?"

"C-could you… you know… let me down?" The girl squeaked, not daring to be too disrespectful right now, considering the blond had just downed the supposedly first-of-their-class Uchiha in one blow. She was also pretty dizzy because Naruto had moved at a speed she couldn't even fathom.

And also, he had just saved her from an indiscriminate fireball that would have cooked her alive if he had not intervened so being polite was the least she could do.

"Oh, you don't like it up here?"

Naruto could hear the blush that spread on Sakura's cheeks even is he couldn't see it. "N-no, I mean yes but it's okay now."

The blond shrugged and allowed the girl down. She took several steps back, her face an impossible mix of so many emotions, Naruto couldn't tell what she was feeling. He sighed.

"I went too far."

"Y-you did," Sakura said in a disapproving tone, apparently happy to have something to comment about.

"He wasn't very charming either."

Sakura stayed silent, her crush on the Uchiha momentarily out of commission after her close brush with death caused by said Uchiha.

"I'll apologize when he wakes up."

"T-that would be good, I think," approved the pink-haired girl.

"He is still an ass."

Sakura swallowed but didn't comment on that.

"But I was a bastard so that balances out."

* * *

When Kakashi finally arrived, his team wasn't in the classroom but already on the roof, where he had intended to make them race just for the heck of it. However, the trio of genins was far from doing anything he had imagined they would be doing.

Naruto and Sakura were eating on a bench. While his little brother - Kakashi was so proud to have won the janken competition - seemed relaxed, the girl was pale as a ghost and a bundle of nerve.

The strangest sight, however, was the tied-up Uchiha who was glaring a glare that promised pain and slow agonizing death to Naruto.

Kakashi didn't even try to piece together why a part of the roof was scorched beyond salvation. He set himself in his patented slouch, relaxed his shoulders and drawled.

"My first impression of you is that… you're weird."

Naruto gave him an exasperated eye-roll and Kakashi silently clicked his tongue. He'd teach his little brother to disregard him and his coolness like that.

"Normally, I'd tell you to get to the rooftop but you already cut to that part so let's have a little introduction, shall we? You know, likes, dislikes, hobbies and dreams, that kind of things."

Sakura timidly raised her hand but Naruto interrupted her by speaking.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I like my adoptive brother, History and ramen. I dislike being forced to do things against my will. My hobbies include learning new stuff and training I guess. My dream is to understand why it's called "instant ramen" when it's clearly not instant."

Kakashi suppressed a snort and blinked to dissipate the ghost of Obito that had superposed itself with Naruto. and motioned for Sakura to speak.

"I'm Sakura Haruno. I-I like… Hum, there is a person I like. As for my hobbies huh…" She glanced at the tied form of Sasuke and a strange blush heated her face, half _self_-disgust, half… Kakashi didn't want to go there. "My dream is…" A trickle of blood rolled down Sakura's nose as the girl's eyes lost themselves in unspeakable contemplations. With a start - and a nudge from Naruto -, the girl came back to the present. "I dislike Ino-pig!"

Kakashi hummed. Fascinating, fascinating. Had Rin been that shallow? No way, right? His sight shifted to the Uchiha, who was still issuing death threats by glare alone.

"What about you, blacky?"

Sasuke snarled but said nothing.

Kakashi felt the onset of a skull-splitting headache knock at the limit of his consciousness. "Okay, I'll stay polite and pretend you didn't try to ignore a demand from your superior officer. What happened here?"

Naruto sighed. "I was a bastard, he was an asshole, we fought." The blond snickered mirthlessly. "He lost."

"Unbind me I'll show you losing," the Uchiha hissed.

"Nah, thanks. Why don't you answer Hatake-sensei?"

"I don't like anything, I despise this team and I have better things to do than explaining my hobbies. I have a man to kill," he snarled.

Kakashi massaged his temples to alleviate the pain that was pulsing through his head. The Uchiha was charming, much like himself had been he supposed

"Alright team," said the white-haired jonin. "Tomorrow will be our first exercise together." He announced with as much enthusiasm as he was capable.

"Hum, exercise, sensei? What kind?" Sakura asked.

"Survival training."

"We did that already," remarked the girl. "In the Academy."

"I know," answered Kakashi with an eye-smile. "You see, you aren't genin yet so this is your last exam to see if you're worth teaching or not."

"What!" Sakura exclaimed in panic while Sasuke growled in anger.

Kakashi ignored them. Naruto had a gleam in his eyes that he didn't like. That's when he remembered.

His little brother did _not_ want to be a ninja. He had all the reasons to sabotage his own true exam.

The Hokage would not accept it if Kakashi were to fail team seven, not after he had gotten the Uzumaki to become a shinobi. Naruto had agreed to it but if he were to somehow be officially failed, no one could hold it against him. Plus, the squad itself was too precious: its composition was way too much fire-power to be squandered.

"You know what," hurriedly said the jonin, "I see potential in you so I think there's no need for you to pass the exam!" Kakashi conscientiously ignored Naruto as the blond's eyes slowly started to glare murder at him as the blond realized what his adoptive brother was doing. "So here we are!" The jonin said with as much enthusiasm he could muster. "Team seven is activated!" He finished with an eye-smile.

"Wha?"

"Tch!"

"I'm going to burn down your porn stash."

Neither Sakura or Sasuke had any time to wonder what Naruto had said as both their sensei and teammate disappeared in powerful bursts of speed. A note fluttered in the rushing wind and Sakura snatched it.

"Hm, it says to meet at eight tomorrow at training ground three." The pink-haired girl read.

"Nhn," answered Sasuke.

Sakura swallowed thickly. "S-should I untie you, Sasuke-kun?"

"Nhn."

"Oh, okay."

* * *

**AN: No AN at the beginning because I'm crazy like that. This was unusually serious for this story but it's mainly an attempt to lampshade some of the Canon... erm... weirdness. It might make you snort in dark humour.**

**Leave a review if you did.**


	9. Chapter 9

Team seven met the following day in training ground three. All younger members of the cell were there at eight o'clock sharp. Sasuke immediately proceeded to glare dreadfully at Naruto before he started a warming-up routine. Naruto himself sighed and shook his head and decided to warm up too, sending a meaningful glance at Sakura, who hurriedly did her own stretches.

Thirty minutes later, the genins were perfectly warmed-up, their body ready to perform to their maximum. Save for Sakura, who was panting already, her feeble constitution catching up to her. Naruto eyed her, seemed to consider something, and walked to her.

"Can I be blunt?"

"What?"

"Too late. Sakura, you really need to start eating properly and build up your endurance and muscles. I already said you were made of marshmallow but this is ridiculous. You're a ninja now and you'll be met with situations where you'll have only yourself to rely on."

Sakura gasped like a fish out of the water, her eyes bulging out of her sockets. "Sasuke-kun will save me!" Her disconnected brain eventually made her say in outrage.

Naruto gave her the universal look that precisely said "did you just say that and are you actually retarded or did I hear you wrong?" before he sighed a second later. "Part of you is actually serious. Kami above. Do you believe the same guy who nearly roasted you yesterday will jump to your rescue? Well, Sakura, I'm happy to have known you. What are your favourite flowers?"

Momentarily too down struck by what the blond teenager had just told her, the pink-haired girl mumbled an answer without even thinking. "Lilac."

"Cool, I'll deposit that on your grave once you're dead."

Sakura paled and looked up at Naruto. The blond's blue eyes were cold as ice and his posture betrayed nothing while his features seemed carved into granite. The girl felt a queasy feeling creep up her stomach and beads of sweat pearled along her spine. "D-dead?" She croaked.

"Yup," said Naruto with an enthusiasm that sounded like a saw and a grin that didn't reach his eyes. "Dead. Kaput. Buried. If you don't move your bony little ass into gear, you'll fall at the first complication. That's fact."

Sakura turned green and took a step back.

Unperturbed, Naruto bulldozed on through the girl's conception of life and self-esteem. "Now, you can decide it's okay with you and in that case, I'll leave you to it and when you end up six feet under, I'll buy a plaque that says "I fucking told her so" and I swear to Kami I'll have it screwed to your tomb."

The pink-haired girl fell on her behind but Naruto could not say if it was from fear or shock.

Naruto suddenly extended his hand and looked at the girl dead in the eye. With a curiously deep and grating voice, the blond spoke. "Come with me if you want to live."

Sakura, apparently too frightened to answer anything, considered the hand for three long seconds, glanced towards Sasuke who was regally ignoring the two other members of his team, looked back at the extended hand and finally took it, hesitantly.

As the girl's finger brushed the boy's, the blond looked down at her with a warning in his eyes. "There is no quitting if you take this hand."

Sakura swallowed deeply, looked again at Sasuke, frowned with a shake of her head, and looked at Naruto again. With a resolute nod, she took the hand. Naruto yanked her up abruptly.

"Kakashi will be late a few hours so we'll put that time to good use."

"Wha?"

"He is mourning, don't ask questions. Now..." Naruto threw the pink-haired girl a glare that wouldn't have been out of place on a drill sergeant's face and, a kunai suddenly appearing in his hand, started barking like a mad dog. "Time to scare the civy out of you, you pathetic sack of bubblegum! Now get your ass into gear and run! Com'on, run if you don't want me to give you a new haircut!"

The blond boy hot on her heels, Sakura fled with all the might she was capable of.

The pink-haired torture was only beginning. After fifty minutes of being chased around at her full speed by Naruto, the boy nicking her with his kunai each time she showed signs of slowing, the boy set her up to doing various muscles building exercises: push-ups, sit-ups and whatever ups there was that could be thought of. Half an hour later, Sakura was laying in a pool of her own sweat, each muscle on her too-slender frame trembling of exhaustion.

"Shinobi have naturally enhanced muscles compared to non-chakra users. The reason for that is that when you exercise, chakra circulates everywhere and passively assists in rebuilding your body." Naruto explained to the panting and moaning girl in the tone of a teacher giving a class. "Of course, you can actively flood your muscles with chakra for a great boost of power but ultimately, it's multiplicative. If there is nothing to boost, you won't get a boost. Plus, it can be dangerous and downright inefficient when done incorrectly and that's not even talking about the chakra bleed if used constantly. Hence why you need muscles in the first place."

Sakura continued panting. The only indication she was even listening, was the look in her eyes. Far from being glazed over by fatigue, they promised revenge against her torturer.

Naruto chuckled. "Good, feel the anger in you and _channel_ it. If you want to break my skull, that'll be as good a motivator as any for you to train." The blond shrugged, apparently not being overly concerned that Sakura would ever make good on her silent promise. "Anyway, to build muscles, you'll need the element to do so in the first place. So no more dieting, understood Bubblegum?"

Sakura gave a mix of a groan and a snarl and glared.

"I'm sure that'd be threatening if…" Naruto seemed to consider the form of Sakura on the ground and shook his head. "Yeah, no, it's really not. I'll even have to teach you how to snarl apparently. Well, get up Bubblegum, it ain't over yet."

"Is… the nickname… really… mandatory?"

"I'll get rid of it when you can put up with what I put you through, Bubblegum. Fair enough?"

"No."

"Too bad you don't get to decide I suppose."

When Kakashi arrived, three hours later, he was met with something he wasn't expecting. Sakura was asleep against one of the three hitting posts, the orange vest of Naruto covering her. A single glance was enough for Kakashi to see the hair matted with sweat, the few bruises and the bizarre cuts here and there in the fat of her arms.

Naruto was doing a handstand and pushing up and down on his arms. Kakashi was torn between the "youthfulness" of the position and the fact it was also his little brother definitely showing off.

"What happened here?" The white-haired jonin with an eye-smile.

"Sakura and I worked together on actualizing her physical levels," Naruto answered from his upside-down position.

"You ran her through one of your gauntlets?" Kakashi asked, his perfectly calm and nonchalant voice masking the worry he was truly feeling.

"Nah, she wouldn't survive it yet, I know that much. She is really weak for a genin."

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed weakly. "Where is broody?"

"You're one to talk." Naruto snorted. "I think he is over at the river, trying to evaporate the water with fire jutsus."

"I take it you're all warmed up."

"Hilarious."

"Wha-? Tch, I'll show you hilarious."

"Impossible nii-san, you're way too broody for that."

"I'm not!"

"Are too!"

"I'm getting better!"

"You mourned your porn stash for the entire night until… What time is it, eleven? You bet you're broody!"

"A little brother should be more respectful of his older brother's stuff!" Kakashi protested.

"Well, if you'd let me fail the true genin exam, I wouldn't have had to porn your Icha Icha collection," retorted Naruto.

Kakashi sighed. "It's not my fault Naruto. You know I couldn't do that."

The boy shrugged - which, in his handstand position was the equivalent of another push-up - and shook his head. "It's never anyone's fault. So what, because you're obeying orders, you're not responsible for your action? You're ordered to pass a boy who doesn't want to become a shinobi, another boy who is mentally too unstable to be a shinobi yet and a girl who is unfit to be a shinobi so you pass them, no question?"

Kakashi sighed again. "What was I supposed to do?"

Naruto jumped on his feet and shrugged. "Take the moral choice? I was only obeying my orders sounds a bit weak for an excuse. Is that what we are supposed to say when we slaughter people for the good of Konoha?"

"We are soldiers, Naruto," pointed the jonin.

"We are humans," retorted the blond with one of his eyebrow raised. "You wouldn't be so broody if you were an emotionless tool. Nor would you still be mourning people dead since more than twelve years ago." Naruto added with a gentle voice.

Kakashi choked on something - his mask maybe - and glanced down. Naruto sighed.

"Say, Kakashi-nii, am I remotely like my father?" The blond asked suddenly.

The white-haired jonin looked up, startled. "What?" He whispered the question like he was afraid of it.

"Am I like my father?"

Kakashi was trembling. After several deep breaths, the jonin looked back up and at the blond boy. "Yeah," he said softly while nodding a bit. "Yeah, you can be like him. You're quite like your mother as well."

"I see," Naruto said, as much to himself as to his sensei. "Then, I think it's my right to say my father wouldn't want you to choke on your guilt for the rest of your days and be a miserable, broody older brother to his son." The blond said, louder this time, as he walked towards Kakashi.

Naruto hugged the taller, older jonin. "Sorry. I'm still really peeved that the old man got me to become one of his ninja. Shouldn't have taken it out on you. Still, nii-san. You'll need to let it go." He said with a small smile.

Kakashi had to swallow thickly as something appeared to be stuck in his throat. "I… huh, I… thanks."

The two boys stood silently hugging each other for a minute before they separated. Kakashi cleared his throat and looked at Naruto with his one eye.

"Is it so bad to be a shinobi?"

The blond huffed. "Skipping the fact that it's not really my own choice of career, it's the way the old man words it that I don't like. I'm supposed to be Konoha's shield or something like I'm some sort of glorified guard hound but it's all okay because he won't ever sick me on Konoha's enemies." The boy snorted. "As if. I gathered what I could about jinchuuriki during our wars and they were all used to brutally impact enemies positions. According to modern military doctrine, I'm anything _but_ a shield."

Kakashi stiffened. "Konoha has never used the power of any bijuu in any battle."

Naruto snorted. "Oh please, bro, don't be naive. Have you read the Nidaime's book you have at home? Like, actually read it? Because there are plenty of references to Konoha using the power of a jinchuuriki during the first and second shinobi war. Granted, these references are obscure and I guess they are supposed to be but the only acknowledged army killers at the times in Konoha's side were the Shodai and Nidaime and some facts definitely suggest there was a third. Heck, with what I know now, it seems obvious Konoha probably caught the Kyuubi after Hashirama and Madara's divorce fall-out."

Kakashi choked again. "D-divorce fall-out?"

Naruto nodded and gave the white-haired man a meaningful glance. "Yeah. I mean…" The blond gestured widely with his hands. "No? Well, I might be wrong but still. Anyway. It's not enough I can't do what I want, the old man has to be all hypocritical about it." The blond rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Super grating, 'ttebayo."

"The Shodai was married to a woman, Naruto."

The blond shrugged. "'Cause that was expected of him to have heirs. Doesn't change the fact there was a serious bromance between him and Madara before they decided they would try and kill each other."

Kakashi didn't choke this time. He was already developing an immunity. Instead, he only sighed. "I'm sympathetic, Naruto. I didn't know you disliked hypocrisy that much. I'll try to be as frank with you as I can."

The blond boy nodded. "Appreciate it, nii-san."

It was at this moment Sakura stirred from under Naruto's jacket. Mumbling something in her half-asleep state, the pink-haired girl scrunched her face, yawned so wide Naruto and Kakashi were both concerned she would unhinge her jaw and finally blinked several times to clear the sleep from her eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Nearly noon I'd say. You hungry?" Naruto asked conversationally.

"Why was I asleep?"

"'Cause I ran you through the ground, 'ttebayo. A few months like that and I'll make something out of you, Bubblegum!" Naruto exclaimed, nodding with satisfaction.

Sakura groaned but said nothing. Instead, the girl tried to rise on her feet. Shakily, she stood up just as her stomach protested loudly the lack of food. Naruto's answered in concert. Sakura blushed and Naruto laughed, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, sensei, time for chow."

"But… I just arrived," pointed Kakashi.

"That's because you were late. We trained hard, now we deserve food."

"Well, I'm not against it but I wanted to test you all, see where you all stand. Eat now and you'll puke." The white-haired jonin warned.

Naruto shrugged. "And if we don't, we'll end up so out-of-it it won't be much of a test. So we eat something light but nourishing. Easy."

"Okay," relented Kakashi who eye-smiled proudly at his younger brother. "You go fetch Sasuke then, I know just the place."

"Cool, be back in a few," Naruto said with a wave before walking off toward the stream where the Uchiha could be seen resting.

"Hum… Sensei?"

"Yes, Sakura?"

"I don't want to… What I mean is, Sasuke and Naruto had a fight yesterday so maybe…"

"Well, if they had a fight, they need to solve it now. You can't let an accident like that fester in a team. From experience, trust me. So I think it's a good opportunity for the two to hash things out."

"What if Sasuke, hum, what if he tries to spit fire at Naruto again?"

"I wouldn't worry about Naruto."

"It's not really Naruto I'm worried about," mumbled Sakura, torn between her anger at the pace the blond boy had imposed for her first serious training session and the realization that Naruto was strong.

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke." Naruto called in a neutral voice.

"What do you want, bastard?" The Uchiha bit in response.

The blond sighed. "Bastard" was his insult for the Uchiha, not the opposite. Plus, while he had never used the word for its root meaning, something was telling him that Sasuke was fully insulting him there.

"Leave my parents out of it, will you?"

"Like you left mine out yesterday?" Sasuke retorted with a dreadful glare.

"Look, I apologize," said Naruto with a ninety-degree bow. "I was wrong to say what I said about your family. You're right in saying that our pain isn't the same. You had and lost while I never ever had that chance. You call it a blessing, I'd call that a curse and we'll probably never agree. We know what it means to be alone, though."

Sasuke's glare morphed into a sulky expression and his frown twisted from furious to morose.

"Sasuke."

"What?"

"I know it sucks so much, so why?"

The Uchiha stiffened and his glare returned full force. "I don't have to answer you."

"You don't. You don't have to accept help, you don't have to accept people, you don't have to do anything. You can stay surly and angry and alone all you want. Will that make you strong?"

"Shut up."

"Will that make you feel better?"

"Leave me alone! You have no idea of what I must accomplish! I _have_ to do it alone!"

Naruto sighed in mounting annoyance. "Says who? Is it about that man you want to kill? Sure you can do it alone, whatever! Does that mean you have to do _everything_ by yourself? Are you stupid or what? You can't get strong if you train without help!"

"I won't become strong training with you!" Sasuke bit out disdainfully.

"You won't know until you try. Look Sasuke, try! Try and if you're absolutely convinced that team seven won't get you anywhere, then I'll leave you alone. But at least _try_!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Why are you even trying?!" The Uchiha snarled. "What's it to you?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I told you already. We are a team now." The blond eyed Sasuke, who was grimacing. "Don't you dare groan and think it's cheesy."

"I definitely wasn't," harrumphed the Uchiha.

After a silent second stretched into awkwardness, Sasuke sighed. "Why are you still here?"

"Time to eat. Kakashi-sensei wants to do a group exercise and even you need food to live." Naruto explained before he threw a sideways glance at the black-haired boy. "You… you do need food to live, right?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes back into his skull so hard, Naruto had to wonder if he had seen his brain and exhaled impatiently by his nose. "Yes, yes you cretin, I do eat." The Uchiha said curtly before he walked away, leaving Naruto alone before the stream.

"Rude," whispered the blond. "And the joke was funny too." Naruto hummed, his chin cupped by his right hand while his left supported his right elbow. "It's a wonder if the metaphorical stick isn't _actually _stuck up his ass." The blond hummed again. "That'd be an interesting surgery but I'm not sure I'd have his consent."

With one last shrug, the blond walked where his team was now waiting for him.

* * *

"Alright, my cute little students, we'll now have a team exercise," declared Kakashi.

After a light but replenishing meal, team seven was back in training ground three and the white-haired jonin was dangling two bells in front of his seated students.

"Your goal is to get a bell before the time is over. Those who don't get a bell will be tied up to a post and left here for the night or until they can free themselves. Any questions?"

"There are only two bells," remarked Naruto.

"B-but," stammered Sakura, who was already seeing her chance at getting a bell plummeting. "That means one of us…"

"Will fail," completed Sasuke darkly.

Naruto cocked one eyebrow. "Kakashi-sensei, you said the goal was to obtain a bell before the alarm rings, correct?"

"Correct indeed."

Naruto eyed his big brother with the meanest glare he was capable of and extended his hand. "Are you ready to shake on that?"

Slowly, Kakashi extended his own hand to shake Naruto's. "Sure. No trick."

"No trick. Those exact words."

"Yup."

Naruto smiled suddenly. "Cool. We're good then." And having said that, the blond shook his teacher's hand and sat down again. "When do we begin?"

"Naruto?" An unsure Sakura asked, not understanding why her teammate looked so happy.

"We begin when I say go," said Kakashi. "Oh, one advice, come at me with the intent to kill or you'll never do anything to me."

Naruto looked up just as Sasuke's expression hardened and Sakura shuddered in surprise.

"K-kill? Sensei, isn't that dangerous?" The pink-haired girl hazarded timidly.

Kakashi snorted lightly. "Don't worry about me, Sakura. I'm a jonin and you three are genin. Give it your max. That's the goal here: to put you in a situation."

Naruto nodded and mumbled something for himself before he looked at his brother dead in the eye. "Sensei, I'll ask once. You're sure about it?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Yup."

The blond shrugged, "okay," and rose to his feet. "Are we ready team?!" He suddenly barked in his drill-sergeant voice.

Sakura jumped on her own feet with a startled "hai!"

Sasuke snorted and got up.

"Very well," smiled Kakashi. "Begin."

It was when Naruto started to shimmer like a mirage in a hot summer afternoon only to disappear without a whisper that Kakashi knew, he'd fucked up.

He didn't pay attention when the other two jumped away back into the tree line. Carefully, Kakashi lifted his headband to reveal a red eye where three black tomoes were swirling in an orbit around the pupil. As the light hit the blood-red iris, the spin of the tomoes slowly accelerated.

Kakashi shifted and the training pole behind him exploded in a shower of wood-dust.

"Well, penis," whispered the jonin. His head turned in spite of him, guided by the preternatural reflexes imposed on his body by his left eye. The tomoes were whirling faster than ever by now. Once again, Kakashi shifted from one foot to another, escaping an axe-kick that should never have been that fast.

"Why the hell did I ever train him in stealth," thought the white-haired jonin, berating himself for his obvious oversight of Naruto's true capacities. He knew the boy had trained his body, which he found was good practice and discipline. He also knew the boy had a modicum of talent, given he knew the Shadow Clone and Kakashi had coached him for an entire month on stealth and asymmetrical warfare.

However, from what he was currently experiencing first hand, Naruto had trained with an enthusiasm worthy of his friend Gai and that was bad news. The blond boy - in addition to being an Uzumaki - had the chakra of the mightiest bijuu filtering in his system continuously. It meant that, if Naruto had trained that seriously for four entire years already - like the report from the Hokage Office actually suggested without saying how intense the boy's workouts were -, then Naruto was a little monster.

The ground caved under Naruto's heel and Kakashi had to hop over the gouged soil to not be thrown out of balance. A punch, the form perfect, clean and deadly, rocketed toward his midsection.

"That'll break a few ribs if it touches me," analyzed Kakashi silently just as he sped through hand signs. The second hitting post took the blow for him and cracked into two. With a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead, Kakashi took a kunai in a reverse grip and motioned to cut the blond's neck.

Naruto bent his knee and rotated, losing a spike of his blond hair to the jonin's blade before his right feet suddenly shot sideways for a kick. Kakashi struck the calf of his student with an abrupt, downward circling motion of his left forearm, his right hand reflexively withdrawn in a guard. Just as the heel of Naruto glanced against his ribs, Kakashi's blade bit into the blond's leg.

The jonin felt himself being lifted from his feet just as pain exploded in the left side of his chest. Thrown three good meters backwards, Kakashi restored his footing while breathing raspily. He could taste something hot and metallic in his mouth.

The blood psychopath had pierced one of his lung with his kick. Kakashi blinked. Naruto was so fast that even all the jonin's experience was only enough to reach equilibrium.

"What the fuck," muttered Kakashi incredulously. "What the fuck, what the fuck, whatthefuck!"

He focused on Naruto. The blond was looking at his thigh, frowning at the kunai that was embedded deep in his flesh. With a sigh, the boy grimaced and tore the knife away before Kakashi could say anything.

"No don't-"

"Relax, sensei, you didn't hit an artery and… I heal fast," Naruto motioned vaguely at his stomach. "We continue or you want to surrender?"

"Com'on Naruto, you don't have me beat yet. We barely exchanged taijutsu." He couldn't surrender to his little brother. Kakashi hadn't expected to lose to him already and it was already a fifty-fifty chance as it was but there was no way his pride would allow him to _surrender_.

"Alright, the rule still stands?"

"About going seriously? Yup," answered Kakashi with an eye-smile, all the while sweating and swallowing thickly.

Naruto gave the "you asked for it" glance and shrugged. "Time to kick it up a notch then."

Kakashi paled. "Kick it up a not-"

Naruto slid forwards with a sweeping step and lunged. For Kakashi, it was a surreal scene, reminiscent of when he had first received his left eye. The world happening around him felt dislocated as if he was tearing causality apart and looking at it under a microscope. With the minimum amount of movement, a simple shift, Kakashi was able to dodge the fastest of attack, provided his body was capable of doing the small gesture necessary.

After all, a body that wasn't up to par with the Sharingan was useless and rendered the Sharingan useless.

Just as he started moving, the jonin knew he wouldn't escape just as he knew he wouldn't even finish moulding the chakra for his Substitution Jutsu.

Naruto's strike shot from his hip, a bolide Kakashi could see coming but do nothing about. The earth cracked under the blond's feet just as his tightened fist impacted the man's stomach. Naruto roared.

"Mountain shattering thunder missile, mildly serious!"

"He _is_ like his father," the jonin had time to think before pain robbed him of his lights. "Wait… mildly serious?!"

The jonin fell on the ground, unconscious.

"What the shit, Naruto!" Sakura screamed from the tree she was hiding in.

* * *

**AN: still no AN at the beginning, straight to the action. OP Naruto makes his debut and his attacks have name like any good shonen protagonist with self-respect. Also, Minato.**

**As a scale for comparison:**

**Mountain shattering thundering missile, mildly serious: Gai (no weight) level of punch.**

**Leave a review with the name of Naruto's axe kick.**


	10. Chapter 10

Kakashi stood in front of the Hokage, surrounded by a few other jonin who had been assigned a team. His entire body was protesting at every movement and his stomach was especially tender.

His cute little genin had carried him to the hospital after the punch Naruto had dealt him had sent him into unconsciousness. He had been seen to by a medic-nin who had kindly informed him that they had had to repair several internal injuries in emergency surgery. The man informed Kakashi that whatever he had done, he was not to do it again without more supervision than his three genins.

Kakashi hadn't bothered to explain to the medic-nin that it was one of his three genins who had destroyed his intestines in the first place and had taken some rest.

When he had awakened, Naruto was waiting for him to come to with a frown on his face and looking at his flexing fist. Next to him was Sasuke who looked at the blond with an intensity worthy of an Uchiha. Last was Sakura who was pacing worriedly. The girl had been the first to notice him and had apologized profusely despite having done nothing, swearing she would watch "her no good teammate" in the future. Sasuke didn't say a word. Naruto, however, looked at him with apologetic eyes and a sad grimace that prompted Kakashi to reassure him. It wasn't the boy's fault, he should have been more careful, yadda yadda.

Despite the kids' protest - well save Sasuke, jeez, the Uchiha was cold - Kakashi had left his bed and limped to the Hokage Tower where the Sandaime awaited him for his debriefing. And so, here he was, his tense grimace of pain hidden by his facemask, sweat rolling from his back, listening to his colleagues saying why they failed or passed their own genin cell.

"Team eight is a pass," announced a woman named Kurenai Yuhi, one exotic, red-eyed beauty with dark hair. "They showed good cohesion, good shinobi skills and remarkable teamwork."

"Team ten is a go," said a tall and stocky bearded man, his short but messy black haired slicked backwards, an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips. Asuma Sarutobi grinned lightly. "Shikamaru is a genius and got a plan in under twenty seconds. The other two followed with great precision."

"Good, good," approved the Sandaime, satisfied with the team that had passed. "And you Kakashi? What says team seven?"

The white-haired jonin grimaced. "We have a problem, Sandaime-sama."

The old man cocked his eyebrow worriedly before he eyed Kakashi suspiciously. "Kakashi, if you haven't-"

The jonin rose placating hands in front of him and shook his hands. "No, Sandaime-sama. I had to pass them because _he_ recognized an opportunity for an exit door. I still wanted to test them today so I gave them the bell test."

Whispers arose from the jonin assembled in the room. Team seven was the team with _that _boy and _this_ other boy, right? Why would Kakashi pass them like that? Had the Sandaime given him special orders? Assuredly, it was for the Uchiha, right?

"And? I see no problem with that. On the contrary, I find it is an excellent initiative."

"Naruto is stronger than me."

The bomb silenced the entire office.

"Kakashi-"

"Sandaime-sama. I know my reputation. However, If there is a time you _need_ to take me seriously despite how ludicrous it sounds, it's now. Naruto is stronger than me. He appears to possess physical abilities on par with Gai and that was without actively boosting himself with chakra, just his latent circulating energy."

The Hokage stared at Kakashi intently and the white-haired jonin returned the look.

"You're serious," commented the old man, his tone of voice neutral.

"Yes. I am. I'm also inclined to believe that Naruto didn't show me his peak strength today."

The Hokage swallowed. "What? How would you deduce that?"

Kakashi chuckled nervously. "The name of his finisher?"

"Finisher?" The old man mumbled.

Kakashi scratched his neck in embarrassment. "Mountain shattering thundering missile, mildly serious."

Someone in the room laughed.

"It caught me in the stomach and burst several important things in there."

Whoever was laughing stopped.

The Hokage nodded. "I see. Jonin Hatake, I commend you for doing your duty. Go to the hospital and rest. Your team will be seen to tomorrow."

"Thank you Hokage-sama," said Kakashi, allowed the strain of pain to enter his voice.

* * *

A new day rose upon Konoha and team seven gathered, minus their sensei, in training ground three. Naruto arrived last, holding a half-eaten sandwich and reading his father's small notebook on sealing.

He felt Sakura give him a curious look. Sasuke's eyes had been trained on him as soon as he had been in view. Naruto nodded in their general direction and mumbled a "hello" over his mouthful of food, making Sakura grimace. The blond boy stopped against a training post and slid down on his bottom, continuing his reading.

After ten minutes spent in silence, only disturbed by the sounds of the birds and other animals living in the trees around the three genins, Sakura eventually approached Naruto, sitting in seiza at a respectful -careful?- distance.

"Hum, Naruto?"

The blond looked away from the small book and smiled at the girl. "Yes?"

Sakura felt her cheek heat up at the sight, finding the boy curiously handsome for a second before silently berating herself. Sasuke was the one and only for her, she wasn't going to be so frivolous as to find Naruto _good-looking_.

Okay, he was but that was not the point here. The pink-haired girl swallowed and steeled her nerves. "What are you reading?"

"A book on sealing," answered the blond without hesitation. As if to prove it, he showed the girl the pages he was reading.

Sakura could only gape slightly in amazement at what she saw. The pages were covered in esoteric scribbles and nearly indecipherable text. A quick glance revealed she understood absolutely nothing. She nodded politely, her confusion regarding Naruto growing.

He had been some sort of clown during their years attending the Academy, rarely being present, doing his own things, forcing their teachers -and sometimes a bunch of other ninjas- to track him across the village. If Sakura were honest with herself, she didn't think highly of the blond boy.

Yet, he packed a punch powerful enough to send their sensei to the hospital and was also reading up on fuinjutsu. _The_ most difficult ninja art there was to learn. Only advanced iryojutsu was seen to be remotely as complicated.

Maybe Naruto knew medicine too? Who knew what mysteries the blond had in reserve?

Sakura's excitement abated and she mentally snorted. No, there was no way he was _that _good. No one could learn the science of healing while being a mere Academy student.

Right?

"Sakura?"

The pink-haired girl startled. "Yes?"

"You were looking at me funny."

Sakura blushed an interesting shade of red. "Ah ah ah, no way, I was totally not," she chuckled nervously. "Anyway, I, err, wanted to know if you would help me train today?"

Naruto shrugged, apparently deciding Sakura denying she totally had been looking at him funny was not important, and smiled again. "Sure. I'm not sure what we're supposed to do today so let's wait a bit. If someone comes to replace Kakashi-sensei, it would be no good to exhaust yourself right now."

"Oh, sure, sure."

"You can stretch though. That'll keep you warmed up." Naruto offered. "Also, active. It's no good to lose too much time because of lazy jonins."

Sakura was going to nod her ascent when a voice belonging to an older male interrupted them.

"Who's a lazy jonin?"

All three genins whirled to face and look at a man who had suddenly appeared in their midst. He had short, spiky brown hair, quite dark. Below his armoured brow, two black eyes were surveilling the three young genins with unblinking intensity.

"Kakashi-sensei is definitely lazy," answered Naruto eventually. He was smiling at the newcomer and nodded sagely.

The man was good enough that he had felt him only at the very last moment, a second barely before he had spoken. That was a happy thought for Naruto: there was still progress to be made in some fields.

He might be far from enthused at the idea of _being_ a ninja but the ninja arts themselves, he liked to study and practice.

"I won't approve or deny that," said the man. "I'm jonin Tenzo and I'll be supervising you for the next three days until your titular sensei is fit again."

The genins nodded but none spoke, waiting for their new superior officer to elaborate.

"We'll work on teamwork and personal training. The… assessment of Hatake-san was… skewered by unforeseen elements," the man explained, throwing a pointed glance at Naruto, who rubbed the back of his head.

"Good teamwork is the first, basic weapon of a good unit. Individually average ninjas will become a force to be reckoned with if their teamwork is flawless. The InoShikaCho formations of the Akimichi, Nara and Yamanaka clans are a prime example of that here in Konoha. It means the difference between life and death," the jonin lectured. "However, if a team is more than its individual parts, it's ultimately only as resilient as the weakest link. Hence why individual capacity is important. We'll alternate between teamwork and personal exercise for the coming days. Understood?"

"Yes," answered Sakura, while Sasuke nodded and Naruto smiled.

* * *

For Sakura Haruno, life had never been as strange as since she had been promoted to genin and joined team seven. Her life-goal had been achieved this fateful day when _her _Sasuke-kun -her, not Ino's, definitely, absolutely not Ino's- had been placed in the same team as her.

She was happy then, life was beautiful, and she was going to live it to the fullest. Yes, she would indulge in her fantasies and sweep Sasuke-kun off his feet and they would marry and have plenty of pink-haired Uchiha children. It would be so perfect.

Except, Fate had also decided to throw a boy-sized wrench in her perfect plan in the person of Uzumaki Naruto. She had never thought much of him. He was a boy who always skipped class, a good-for-nothing who would never amount to much. The first problem was, he was in her team.

She had immediately decided that it would be of no consequence until the blond unknow started to act up, forcing Sasuke into having a team lunch, apparently from sheer physical force. Then, the roof incident had happened. It showed two things. The first, that hurt plenty, was that Sasuke was clearly unhinged - to what extent, Sakura had no idea - and that the Uchiha boy, the target of her affection, didn't give a Ryo about her. She had been in the line of fire and he hadn't cared for a second about burning her alive.

The second was that Naruto was very far from being good for nothing.

Her brain quickly decided to bury the incident somewhere deep and Sakura successfully convinced herself that she would be fine and that her grand goal of becoming Madame Uchiha after living a life of mildly dangerous adventures with her knight in shining armour Mister Uchiha himself was still a perfectly reasonable and doable thing.

Then, Naruto tore through all that by calling her weak and submitting her through a hellish physical regimen he had cooked himself. She still wasn't sure why she had accepted the hand he had offered her on this day. His words had seemed so convincing, especially the "you're going to die a trash death and I'll mock you when you're six feet under" part, that she suddenly had not been willing to take the chance. She could not become Madame Uchiha if she died stupidly during a C-rank gone slightly wrong.

After a month spent with her team, she had to admit to several things. She was so behind her teammates in basically everything that it hurt. She thought herself knowledgeable and intelligent and she had been the "kunoichi of the year" but it did not mean squat.

Sasuke had been "shinobi of the year" with even better results than her - not that she had hoped to be a competition of course - but the problem was Naruto. Naruto was far from being stupid. He had been dead last for one single reason.

He couldn't be bothered.

The blond studied fuinjutsu, was a taijutsu monster, knew plenty of things about stealth and survival and was even proficient with medicine, damn him! He more than dabbled in the two most difficult arts of the ninja world without even realizing how incredible it was.

She had thought herself better than Naruto. Truth was, she definitely wasn't. She had probably realized that when she had taken his offer for help.

After a month of working out like mad, she had closed the distance a bit and had come to realize the second truth of the situation.

She had been dieting, exercising to the minimum, trying to achieve a perfect figure for Sasuke who couldn't be arsed to care in the first place. That had been the most retarded decision of her life.

By eating a healthy amount of healthy food and exercising under Naruto's authority, she had soon gotten herself the very body she had dreamed of. Toned, lean, perfectly tanned and just exuding good health.

She still ritualistically banged her forehead every morning against her dresser for her stupidity.

Lastly and probably the most confusing thing about the entire situation, was her considering her life-goal under a brand new light after being with Naruto, Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei for four weeks.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha was a boy of few words. There had been a time when he used to speak but it had ended on a night he still had nightmares about. Since then, speaking meant being with other people and other people were a distraction from his goal. His goal suffered no twist or turn. The ghosts following him were constantly screaming for vengeance and anything that disrupted his focus made the screams of the sinister procession go weaker and weaker.

Sasuke did not want that. He did not want for the screams to stop because he had callously ceased to hear them. He wanted them to stop out of content, satisfaction, of vengeance taken and consumed, eaten cold like any good vengeance. It could not be any other way, he would not have it. He would not betray his family like _that man _had. He would live when the deads were at peace.

He didn't even want to be a ninja, truth be told. Becoming one was simply the most immediate solution to gain the necessary skills to kill _that man_. In another life, it would have been the immediate solution to gain the approval of his father but that time was no more.

He couldn't care less about Konoha, their fake smile, their pity, the useless fangirls. The only reason he needed the village was to develop his power in an environment that would give him the opportunity to do so. Honestly, had Iwa be a safe bet he would have left to Earth Country. The thing was, Iwa would harvest his eyes and his semen and would then kill him, at least most probably.

So Konoha it was.

Even if the old, senile Hokage had passed an infuriating law that prevented Sasuke to graduate early like his abilities should have given him the right to. Even when the fangirls had harassed him to the point he had contemplated killing one or two just to make a point. Even when he had been put on a team with the worst of the female vultures that pretended to care for him and the useless dead-last.

Who wasn't dead-last at all.

That, most of all, infuriated Sasuke to no end. How the clanless orphan had become so ridiculously powerful, enough to run in circle around him and knock their jonin-sensei out, was an endless source of torment for him. For what did it mean if not that Sasuke himself was nothing but talentless in the end? He should have been stronger, faster, more knowledgeable as his Uchiha blood destined him to be. His line was made from geniuses after geniuses! And if he was talentless, how could he ever hope to defeat _that man_, who had been a miracle shinobi?

Yet here he was, trying to piece together the mystery that was Naruto Uzumaki, following the enthusiastic blond boy's orders as he led Sakura and him through the gauntlet of his crazed routine.

Truly it was ridiculous. Sasuke had always been fit but he could feel himself becoming better day after day, now that he was following Naruto's recommendations. It wasn't only physical: the blond boy's taijutsu was refined enough to put the Uchiha style to the test and Sasuke was becoming a better taijutsu fighter day after day.

Never would the Uchiha boy have thought that he would find such a measuring stick among his own generation. Konoha had been the safe if boring bet to gain power but now, now it had finally become… interesting.

It wasn't fun. Fun was not allowed in the life of Sasuke Uchiha. It was somewhat refreshing, however, to see that the empty praise of the Academy instructors had been nothing but that. It was stimulating to have someone to compete against.

Even if the competition was one-sided and Naruto didn't seem to actually care about being the best. Sasuke knew more ninjutsu than the blond Uzumaki, the Uchiha was better at it but Naruto didn't give a shit. Understandable, given he was better in taijutsu, just as good in shurikenjutsu, and studied iryo- and fuinjutsu, two arts Sasuke had not the faintest idea about.

The strangest thing in this new situation was the insistence of Naruto about the team members being friendly to each other. Sasuke was loath to admit it but he would not have progressed as fast and as much as he had if Naruto had not willingly shared his knowledge and included Sakura and Sasuke in his routine. The blond Uzumaki included his teammates, sometimes forcefully, in any team activity he could think of.

That included taking some downtime and spending idle time together, something that had been wholly unknown to Sasuke before. His days had been fully spent training until exhaustion, sleep, and repeat. Naruto had demonstrated with medical books how that was "utterly retarded" - in his own words - to do so. Reluctantly, Sasuke had to admit allowing his body to rest yielded better results.

The problem, for Sasuke, was that all this downtime he was spending with his teammates made the screams of the ghosts go weaker by the day and it was bothering him less and less. That was not something he was okay with. He could not be okay with it. He would be a coward if he were.

* * *

It was a fine morning for Konoha. The sky was blue, the trees were green, swaying in a gentle breeze, the air held a hint of flowery smell. Everything indicated it would be a good day. Sasuke Uchiha did not care about any of that. The dark-haired boy was warming up for the daily lesson with determination etched in his features.

"'llo, Broody McBrood."

Sasuke twitched and glared at the blond Uzumaki who had just rudely greeted him. He wasn't being broody, he was being determined. Couldn't the idiot tell the difference!? "Hn," he answered, as disdainfully as he could.

"You know, normal people use words to speak. If you keep not using them, we'll all think you have a serious problem."

"What. Is it. You want?" Sasuke ground through his teeth.

"Wow, take a deep breath Sasuke, I'm not here to fight or anything. I wouldn't greet you that way either if you allowed yourself to smile once in a while."

"I don't smile."

"No, indeed you don't. And I think that is part of your problem. You see, I just began a book on psychology."

Sasuke felt his eyes go wide. "Please no," he mumbled before he could stop himself.

Naruto smiled brightly. "Please yes. You see, I'm only forty pages in but I already read a bunch of interesting stuff. About depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, raptus and all that jazz."

"Shut up and leave me alone?" Tried the Uchiha, a hint of desperation creeping in his voice. It wasn't the first time the two boys were having this kind of conversation. Since the rooftop incident, as they modestly called it, Naruto had apologized to Sasuke, two times actually, and Sasuke had had to reflect on how flying off the handle wasn't good. The problem, as the Uchiha saw it, was that the Uzumaki kept on trying to "open him to the world".

"No can do, you know that we're a team now and all that. You need friends Sasuke. You need people to talk to and more importantly, you need to talk about _it_."

The Uchiha sent a patented glare at the blond boy. "I. Do not. Talk about it."

"No, you don't and that's the second part of your problem," explained Naruto with a sudden seriousness that took Sasuke by surprise. "The mind can create roadblocks that make all progress impossible come a certain stage. Or worst, barriers that make all progress worthless when faced with certain situations. The fact you never were counselled by a Yamanaka is a serious breach of every single recommendation of the Konoha medical charter of shinobi. I know, I read them. It should be obvious for anyone that losing your entire family at age eight would cause trauma yet you somehow got through the net."

"I don't need help!" Sasuke retorted heatedly. "That's none of your fucking business and if you don't shut your trap, I swear I'll attack you again."

"Oh, Kami's sake, listen, you blockheaded Uchiha bastard! When I say it's not normal I mean in a suspicious kind of way! You didn't hear when I said "mental blocks" or what? Someone made sure you didn't get the help you needed. Someone who probably wish you harm!"

That stumped Sasuke. He didn't feel like he needed help, he didn't want help, he was perfectly fine as it was. That was exactly something someone who was in need of help would say. What if truly he was mentally addled by the massacre of his entire family? What if seeing _that man _murder his parents right in front of him had had some impact on him? What if the mysterious genjutsu _that man _had used to make Sasuke live through the slaughter had caused some long term effects?

...

Nah, couldn't be right? He was Sasuke Uchiha after all and…

"Stop it! Stop right now!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly, startling Sasuke out of his thoughts. "Your body language is telling me you reached a completely retarded conclusion! Abort, abort! You are going to a Yamanaka to talk about that night and you're going to get some serious help, Sasuke Uchiha."

Sasuke recoiled. "I don't wanna!"

Naruto had his arms crossed in front of his chest and his right foot was tapping the ground while his blue gaze was pinning Sasuke on the spot. The blond Uzumaki, who had nothing in common physically speaking, with Sasuke's mother, was looking terrifyingly like her right at this moment. "Don't make me drag you there by pulling you by the ear."

Sasuke swallowed thickly. Why was a boy his age having so much effect on him right now?

Oh right. Because Naruto was entirely capable of pulling him by the ear to the Yamanaka compound and there was nothing Sasuke would be able to do. Much like Sasuke's mother had been able to when it had been time to go to the hairdresser.

"That-that's none of your business!"

"We're teammates. Your mental health translates directly to my and Sakura's physical health. Yours also. It is my fuking business, seeing as Kakashi doesn't have the guts to force it upon you. Do you know the fool hopes you're gonna go by yourself? Or at least request it to him? I've been patient for a month now but we'll soon begin our first C-rank missions and I ain't dying cause you're not at one hundred per cent. I'm not burying Sakura because. You. Fucked. Up," said Naruto in a threatening tone, punctuating the last part with as many jabs at Sasuke's chest. "I'm not marking your tombstone with "he was a moron who didn't take the help freely offered to help him get over the traumatic incident of his childhood", you got me, Sasuke Uchiha?"

Sasuke felt something hit him in the back. Startled, he realized he had taken several steps back and that he was now leaning against a training post, Naruto looming over him like some sort of incarnation of brotherly concern and admonishment.

"Do I drag you there?"

"N-no."

"Good. I warned Kakashi and Sakura already. I'm escorting you there."

All hope of secretly escaping Sasuke still held vanished. He knew Naruto was better than him at stealth, in addition to being faster and stronger anyway.

* * *

Naruto dropped Sasuke in front of the hospital, where an appointment with the Yamanaka clan head had been already taken by Kakashi, after Naruto had hounded for a week and a half, going as far as to threaten his older brother with the destruction of his Icha Icha emergency collection.

After making sure Sasuke did not try to escape and only once the Uchiha had been ushered inside Inoichi Yamanaka's consultation room did Naruto finally leave the hospital.

Taking a leisurely walk down the main street, the blond took a few turns and eventually found himself back to training ground three, where Sakura was stretching under the watchful gaze of Kakashi.

"Kakashi!" Bellowed Naruto angrily, "stop reading your trash for five seconds and actually do your job! Sakura is still stretching wrong! I swear to Kami I will wreak havoc if you don't change this habit of yours!"

The white-haired jonin lowered his little orange book and slipped it quickly inside one of his pouch. "Mah mah Naruto, Sakura isn't doing too bad and I can't be always there. She needs to learn how to correct her forms herself."

Naruto slowly raised his right fist, tightened it and pointed at it with his left index finger. Then, utterly silent, he pointed at Kakashi and made a punching motion with his right hand.

The jonin paled slightly under his mask. "Alright, alright, no need to get mad. Sakura, Naruto is right, your back needs to be a bit straighter and your left foot need to go forward two or three inches."

Sakura smiled at the blond boy. "Hello, Naruto. Thanks, sensei."

A few minutes after, the girl finished her warming routine. "So what are we doing today? Since Sasuke isn't available?"

"Mah mah, let's not change our habits too much yeah? You'll spar with Naruto for a while and then-"

"Sensei? Why don't I spar with you for a change? I mean, I'd have better luck landing a hit on you than on Naruto at this point."

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Precisely," said the jonin with something akin to bitterness in his voice. "Because he is so much better than me, you'll progress faster if you work with him."

"Now, now, Kakashi-sensei," interjected Naruto. "Please don't pout. You could work as hard as your students and get better than me ya know?"

Kakashi allowed his one eye to trail upon Naruto. "Yeah, I'll consider it."

"You always say that,' pointed Naruto in a dry voice.

"Yeah, I know," answered Kakashi with an eye smile.

"You're infuriating. Sakura, let's get to it."

An hour of trashing later, the pink-haired girl was eventually allowed a rest. Exhausted and full of bruises, she leaned against a post, refusing to sit down. "Say, Naruto?" The girl suddenly asked between deep, regulated breaths.

"Yes?" The blond answered, looking fresh and ready as if one hour of taijutsu sparring had not just occurred as far as he was concerned.

"You're infuriating too," breathed Sakura mutedly. The girl shook her head lightly and collected her thoughts. "There is a strange rumour going 'round about you."

"All good thing I hope?"

Sakura hesitated. "Hum… Yeah?" The rumour was ridiculous as far as she was concerned. She didn't even know why she even entertained it. "I'd say it's good if it weren't so impossible."

"What is it?"

Sakura laughed a little. "People say you're the son of the Yondaime." The girl giggled again. "They even go as far as saying that was information released by the Hokage himself. But… it's ridiculous, right?" She asked, eyeing Naruto, who was impassively looking straight at her.

The gaze quickly unnerved Sakura who started to fidget. "Right?"

Still silent, Naruto fished in his vest for something. A second later, the boy gave Sakura what looked to be a piece of paper. The girl realized it was a photo. A colour photo of the fourth Hokage. She gasped. The only pictures she had ever seen of Konoha's most famous hero had been in black and white.

The man in the frame was staring at her with the exact same unnerving gaze Naruto was giving her right now. He had the same blue eyes, the same blond hair - a trait unique in Konoha, now that Sakura was thinking about it - and the same sharp cheekbones. Slowly, her eyes drifted from the photo to Naruto and back to the photo.

"No way," she whispered breathlessly. "No fucking way. But why? How?" The girl flailed for a second. "What? But then? And that…" Her voice died, drowned by her confusion. She threw a glance at the blond boy, who was still looking at her impassively.

"If it's not enough, I have the official papers," said Naruto eventually, breaking his silence.

Sakura shook her head. "No, no. It's just. Wow. I'm trying as hard as I can to not go down that road but… Is it the reason..?"

"The reason I'm so good? Absolutely. Fucking. Not! I don't know if you realized but he was a pretty lousy father, dying the day I was born, leaving me absolutely nothing. I know since barely two months anyway. All I got, I got it myself. Hard work and work hard, that's it, for four years. The reason it's being revealed now is honestly not something you need to concern yourself about. It's for the older generations in the village. To rub their face in the ignominy of something they did."

"S-something… Something they did?"

"Yup. As I say, not really yours to worry about. Ask your parents if you want to know." Naruto offered with a wave of his hand. "Let's be clear, that changes nothing between us. We're still teammates and as long as you're not in shape, you're still Bubblegum."

Sakura groaned.

* * *

**AN: Hum, err, yeah. I have nothing to say. Leave a review if you feel like it.**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Fair warning, crack everywhere.**

**Not the dangerous kind though.**

* * *

"'llo Sasuke," greeted Naruto.

"Hey." The Uchiha answered in a toneless voice.

The blond frowned. It had been another month since the Uchiha had _totally voluntarily _sought help from a psychologist. Naruto wasn't privy to what the broody Uchiha discussed with Inoichi Yamanaka - that was protected by the medical secret - but there had already been some change to Sasuke.

For one, he actually greeted you back in the morning.

The problem was, Sasuke was despondent. Where he had been focused - albeit on the wrong thing or maybe in the wrong way -, the boy was now seemingly at a loss.

Naruto knew it wasn't that surprising, considering Sasuke, who had built his entire self in the past four years on the notion of revenge, was being told now that revenge was fine and all but that he was definitely allowed to also live a little. The trauma had been a driving force; destructive and without much future but a driving force nonetheless. Now Sasuke had to learn how to live for himself again. Something he hadn't done for so long.

The Uzumaki considered all that and smiled wryly at the Uchiha. "We need to find you a hobby."

"Please not now," said Sasuke, still tonelessly.

"When then? Look, Sasuke, I can't say I know how strange it is for you right now but as much as Broody you was annoying, Lost you is heartbreaking."

Sasuke tried to frown but only produced a grimace as if his aggressivity had been sucked out of him. "Sorry." He muttered.

Naruto allowed himself to stare at the Uchiha for a few silent seconds. "Kami, that runs deep. Okay. Time to try your hand at stuff and find which one is your thing."

"I don't wanna."

"Pff," Naruto dismissed. "What made you think you have the choice?"

Before he could say anything, Sasuke was taken by the elbow and dragged out of the training field, a clone of Naruto suddenly appearing in a puff of smoke behind the two boys.

"To inform the two other so they can join us if they feel like it."

Determination etched on his face, Naruto led Sasuke back into Konoha proper, away from the training field. After a few minutes of walk, the two boys stopped in front of a shop. Sasuke had no time to identify what kind of place he was being brought to as Naruto entered suddenly, still holding unto the Uchiha's elbow.

"Alright, pick an instrument."

Sasuke blinked. Around him were countless instruments, including some he had never seen or heard being played. In spite of himself, the Uchiha mechanically took a koto and started playing a melody he had heard his mother perform, so many years ago. Slowly, carefully, his fingers pinched the strings, his other hand up the handle and dancing at an increasing rhythm on it. There were a few mistakes in his play but, overall, it was a pretty satisfying performance, given he hadn't touched the instrument for a while now.

Then, struck by inspiration, Sasuke began to sing.

"My life sucks, oh, it sucks so much."

"Okaaay," hazarded Naruto.

"I lost all my family to a crazy schmuck," Sasuke continued, a dark cloud slowly forming above his head.

"Alright, alright, you can stop."

"As if it's not enough, now there is this boy," sung Sasuke, rain beginning to fall on his hair.

"Sasuke, you're hurting yourself."

"He sent me to the shrink and can't stop to annoy," continued the Uchiha, going nicely into the higher range. Naruto couldn't help but cock his eyebrow.

"Me, I'm just there, drifting to the wind," Sasuke kept at it and shrugging, Naruto decided he might as well sing the bass.

"The only one thing I can do now is sing,"

"Huh, that doesn't rhyme."

"Shut up Naruto, and let me finish!" Sasuke barked, still singing along the melody.

"Sorry 'bout that."

"I feel myself struggling like a poor shored fish." The rain cloud above Sasuke's head was dripping with water and the Uchiha was looking like a lost dog.

Naruto took the koto from the black-haired boy's hands and threw it violently against the wall, where it exploded in a shower of small pieces of wood. "Right, right, I get it, not music, let's go Sasuke."

Before the shop owner had any time to protest, the two boys exited the premise, Naruto once again taking the lead. For the following hour, the blond Uzumaki dragged the morose Uchiha behind him, stopping at various places to try and give Sasuke his life back.

First, they stopped at the Yamanaka flower shop where the Uchiha boy made a mortuary crown rather than the bouquet he was supposed to create. Then, they made a halt at Hana Inuzuka's pet shop and veterinary office, where Sasuke lay against a dying, old dog and refused to move. After a shot of adrenaline administered by Hana herself, the blond once again dragged his black-haired teammate, to the library this time.

Where Sasuke immediately proceeded to grab the nearest available book on how to best prepare a suicide.

By this point, Naruto repeatedly banged his head against the table he was sitting at. That was when a bright idea hit him. He berated himself for not thinking about it sooner and took Sasuke by his elbow again but not before throwing the book the Uchiha was attempting to read in the trash.

Hence why the two boys were now both seating at Ichiraku's ramen at ten in the morning, one with a gloomy look on his face, the other the picture of exhaustion.

"Sasuke," breathed Naruto, "your brooding has undermined my prodigious stamina. I'm not saying that to boast, but it's honestly an amazing achievement."

"Hn."

Feeling the urge to deck the Uchiha in his teeth well up within him, the blond gritted his own jaw and turned his head to Teuchi. "Hello, master Teuchi. A miso ramen with pork for me and something with tomatoes for the guy who is looking like he wants to die."

Sasuke seemed to perk up at the mention of his favourite fruit but immediately looked down. "I'm not hungry," he mumbled.

"I know you're not, that's not the point."

"What is, then?" Sasuke asked, curiosity piercing through in his voice.

"I know it's your favourite, I'm hoping for some kind of shock. You know, like the Madeleine, the Ratatouille, stuff like that."

Sasuke threw a wary glance at the Uzumaki. What was the blond even talking about?

"When in doubt, go back to the basics, what you're certain will work."

Suddenly, to plates were slammed on the counter by Teuchi, who was sporting an encouraging smile. In front of Naruto was a bowl of ramen, smoking. In front of Sasuke was a nice looking salade, with plenty of tomatoes.

"Good appetite," wished them the cook.

Naruto dug in heartily, producing a slurping noise that very soon grated against Sasuke's nerves. The dark-haired Uchiha had thought he was too lost to be annoyed by much but somehow Naruto had found yet again that one thing that was intolerable to him.

"Could you not?" The Uchiha groaned.

"Hm?"

Sasuke sighed and returned his attention to the plate in front of him. Taking his fork, he played a bit with a slice of tomato before he took a disheartened bite.

"I don't even like tomatoes," the boy eventually said.

Slowly, Naruto rotated his head towards the Uchiha, producing a sound oddly reminiscent of a door on rusty hinges. "Ha?"

"Yeah. It's just… My mom used to insist I eat them. 'Cause it's good for your health, you know. When she…" Here, the boy's voice pitched high before he cleared his throat. "She's gone but I figured keeping on eating tomatoes would make her proud."

Naruto eyed the Uchiha, frozen in place and perfectly silent, as if afraid to break the spell. Sasuke soon noticed, however, and an annoyed frown painted itself on his face.

"What?"

"Nothing. Please continue. You were saying how eating tomatoes would make your mom proud."

"Tch, it's silly. And you're not mocking me."

"Do you think _my _mother would be proud if I ate tomatoes," interrupted Naruto abruptly. "Or, maybe, I don't know, spinach?" He added in a distant voice. "Funny, I've no idea." The blond eyed Sasuke intently "You do though."

That left Sasuke with something weird wedged inside his throat.

"You have a faint idea on how to make your parents proud of you. Like, they told you stuff and…" Naruto gestured with his arms and flailed a little. "See?"

Sasuke swallowed thickly but nodded once nonetheless. He could see.

"So what did they tell you?"

"What?"

"To make them proud? You could begin there, right? While you search for something of your own to shoot for, you can always do the things they wanted for you."

Sasuke eyed his tomatoes. For five long minutes, the two boys kept silent, the rumour of Konoha behind them.

"Guess I could do that."

"So, how are you going to make good on that?"

"First, by eating those tomatoes."

* * *

"Hello, Hokage-sama," greeted Kakashi, seeing with strange pride that his three adorable little genins were at attention. It was definitely not him who had drilled that stance into them. Naruto was such a serious, dedicated little brother and teammate, to alleviate his workload like that.

He knew it also stemmed from Naruto absolutely not wanting to be casual with the Hokage. The situation was still frozen between the old man and the jinchuuriki.

"Hello, Kakashi. Here for a mission a presume."

"Indeed Hokage-sama. If I'm allowed, however, I'd like to request a C-rank. I do believe my genins have made tremendous progress in these last two months and a half. They are ready."

"What!' Iruka, who was working alongside with the Hokage, exclaimed.

Kakashi ignored the chunin. He was sure he meant well but his worries were unneeded. More likely, Naruto would be able to punch out any opposition on an A-rank mission anyway and truly, his two teammates were making rapid and solid progress towards chunin. A C-rank, even one that turned slightly wrong as they all tended to do, would be a piece of cake and something long overdue. Kakashi could see Naruto was starting to get bored with the D-ranks and a bored Naruto was something the Hatake wanted to avoid at nearly all cost.

"If you vouch for them, I see no harm in giving you a C-ra-"

"Hokage-sama! Please, listen to me!" Iruka pleaded before whispering something in the Hokage's ear. The old man hummed and nodded but otherwise, gave nothing away.

Kakashi easily read the lips of the chunin, something about "the world not being ready yet" and about Naruto "needing more time to not cause havoc". The Hatake wondered for a moment if Iruka wasn't right, in a way.

Then, he shrugged. It wasn't _really_ his business. It was the Hokage who had insisted the boy become a shinobi.

"I understand your concerns, Iruka, but I trust Kakashi's judgment on the matter." The Hokage said in a gentle but final tone, before turning to another chunin. "Bring Tazuna-san, the client for request three hundred seventy-eight".

A few seconds later, a very drunk man in his fifties entered the mission room, holding a bottle of sake and fumbling with a conical straw hat. "'s that the brats who are s'pposed to escort me? Why they so short?" He asked, punctuating his question with a burp.

Naruto looked at Sakura on his right and at Sasuke on his left. Okay, he was the tallest of their little group but his teammates were by no mean short.

"And why doz the blond one look so stoopid?"

Naruto whirled around and threw a murderous glance at the Hokage. "I hate you a little more for making me become a shinobi."

The old man refused to cross the blond's gaze.

"Now Naruto, don't be rude," Kakashi interjected.

"You mean don't be like the client?"

The Hatake only eye-smiled. "Let's get to it, shall we?"

An hour after, the group of five were walking down the road towards the country of Wave. As far as Naruto understood, Tazuna, the client they were supposed to protect from bandits was some sort of architect who was currently supervising the construction of a bridge between the island he was from and Fire Country.

The blond immediately found it incredibly weird. Wasn't such a project something that would require the approval of Fire Country? A bridge between two countries wasn't something decided on one side and the other had to accept. Plus, why did no one talk about it more? Building a bridge crossing the _sea_ to link two countries together should have gathered massive press, given the incredible endeavour it was! Also, was Fire Country participating financially to the project? It would seem fair but for some reason, the old bridge builder seemed to be somehow out of money.

Naruto had many more questions like these but for some reason did not dare to voice them, seeing as none of his teammates seemed to remotely care. Sasuke and Sakura were both apparently happy to be out of Konoha for a bit of adventure and Kakashi was reading his Icha Icha.

Shrugging, the Uzumaki decided he wasn't paid enough to _think_ and if the Hokage was too blind to see the massive problem with a clandestine bridge leading directly to Fire Country for national security, then Naruto would say nothing.

The Old Man had noticed something was wrong, right? _Right_?

Shelving the problem inside a recess of his mind, the blond boy decided to admire the countryside. He hadn't been out of Konoha much over the years and he had to admit, everything around him was new. It was a hot, dry day of late spring but the refreshing wind coming from the sea made the journey especially pleasant. All around him were tall trees slowly diminishing in size, the species changing the further south they progressed. Naruto saw several new types of birds and decided that this wasn't so bad.

Three days passed without excitement and it was honestly fine with Naruto. He had a little notebook out and was making his own natural encyclopedia, drawing and scribbling observation about the new trees, animals and flowers they were encountering, Kakashi providing some helpful advice once in a while about which roots were edible, which flowers could serve for a salve, which tree produced the less smoke when burning.

It was on the fourth day of travel, shortly after lunch, that Naruto saw it.

A puddle of water on the side of the road. After a week of dry weather.

Whoever was planning to ambush them were geniuses beyond geniuses.

"Sasuke, Sakura," the blond drawled, moving his chin towards the puddle.

Sasuke's eyes immediately widened in anticipation, catching on immediately. Sakura realized what was likely going to happen only a second later. Kakashi gave them all his students a proud eye smile.

"I'm letting you deal with whatever comes out," the jounin warned right as they passed the puddle.

Two ninjas in peculiar get-up seemingly emerged from the shallow puddle, each wearing a clawed gauntlet linked by a chain with sharpened and pointy links. Breaking into a sprint, the attackers dashed around Kakashi, encircling him with the chain before they squeezed, tearing Kakashi apart in a squall of gore.

"Oh no, our sensei, whatever are we going to do!" Naruto screamed suddenly, the back of his right hand pressed against his forehead.

"What cruel fate awaits us now that he has fallen!" Sakura said, both her hands clenched above her hearts.

"Eh eh, give us the bridge builder kiddos and all will be right," snarked one of the ninjas, wearing a slashed Kiri headband, a mark of his missing-nin status.

"How are we-" Began Sasuke before abruptly stopping. "Wait! You were supposed to let me express my horror and distress!"

"What?" The ex-Kiri-nin asked in confusion.

"I repeated this line for hours and you just- Argh, I can't believe that!"

"Okay, calm down Sasuke, I'm sure it would have been brilliant!"

"But we'll never know now! Naruto, I'm getting rid of them!"

"Alright, call us if you need help," offered the blond, who took his backpack off his shoulders and sat on it.

Sasuke cracked his knuckles in an ominous way. "I think it's gonna be okay." And suddenly, the Uchiha dashed towards the two missing nins.

One swung at the black-haired boy who nearly snorted.

The guy was terribly slow. Compared to Naruto that is. And Sasuke had been trashed by Naruto for nearly three months by now. Like a serpent, the Uchiha swerved and answered the clumsy attack with a hit to the joint. The two buffoons were not taking him seriously.

Too bad for them.

Bone groaned and cracked under his blow and the ninja winced behind his mask. The second, strangely similar - his brother? - attempted to gut Sasuke with his claw but the Uchiha already had a kunai in hand and easily blocked the gauntlet. Sasuke's foot shot at incredible speed towards the ninja's head and the Uchiha impacted the man's temple.

The ninja fell like a puppet without its strings.

"Brother!" The one still standing screamed and shot a punch, distinctly more serious this one, toward Sasuke's neck.

Unfortunately, the Uchiha's attack on his joint meant the ninja was using his weaker arm and Sasuke fell back into his stance, guarding easily against the assault and striking back in retaliation, hitting the man in his still good elbow. Jumping back to avoid a wild swing from the claw, Sasuke simply grabbed a shuriken and flicked the throwing star of steel right between the man's eyes.

One prong penetrated the skin and possibly the skull, given the sound, but the weapon's momentum was stopped when it hit the headband.

A moment of silence fell on the battlefield, the man crossing his eyes to try to look at the shuriken embedded in his forehead.

Naruto winced. "That… That must hurt like a bitch."

As if on cue, the man screamed in pain before Sasuke kicked him hard enough in the chin to put him out of commission.

Kakashi appeared then, still reading his book, his bloody remains suddenly puffing back in a cloud of smoke to what they truly were: a shattered log of wood.

"Good job Sasuke. Naruto, Sakura, you should have helped him."

"He wanted them for himself," remarked Sakura.

"Yeah, Kakashi-sensei, it's rude to interfere in such cases."

The Hatake rolled his visible eye. "We will need to interrogate them, to know why they are after Tazuna," said the jounin who glared hard at the bridge builder, who paled.

Naruto rolled his own eyes. "Obviously because he is _building a bridge_? Seriously, guys, I kept silent until now hoping someone would say something but doesn't any of you find it extremely strange that a bridge is being built between Fire and Wave and nobody seems to know about it?"

Kakashi took his chin in his right hand and thought seemingly hard for a second. Then he turned to Tazuna. "Why are you building that bridge, exactly?"

"We don't even know that? What the heck is Mission Intel fucking doing? Are those cretins sleeping on the job? I wanna join them, seems they have it the easiest." Naruto ranted in answer.

Sakura hummed. "If we don't know about it, it means it isn't a joint project with Fire Country, meaning Fire Country probably doesn't approve or even know about it. Given that Tazuna came to get us, I'd say he isn't trying to build a bridge to stage an invasion of Fire Country, rather, linking Wave to fire Country is somehow vital for him. For Wave? Yeah, creating this bridge is vital for Wave. What do we know about Wave, sensei?"

Tazuna allowed a low whistle to escape his lips, apparently sufficiently impressed by Sakura's deduction to stay afraid.

"Practically nothing. It's a very small country without any interest to Konoha or Fire Country. They keep to themselves and we don't bother them."

"Huh, so we allow a small island really close to our coast, a perfect place to stage an invasion in secret or to have a base of advanced operations at the very least, without surveillance?" Sasuke asked, slightly incredulous.

Kakashi hesitated, seemed to look for something within his memories and eventually shrugged. "Somehow, yes."

"It's a relief the other ninja villages are either retarded or don't know geography because the Intel division of Konoha is staffed by retards," Naruto noted.

Kakashi sighed. "Somehow, yes." The jounin turned his attention back to Tazuna. "So, full story, please."

* * *

Basically, a man named Gato had taken control of Wave Country by more or less buying it in its entirety, by legal and illegal means, had installed in Wave's capital city his headquarters along with an army of tugs and was controlling all kind of shady business from an island centrally placed within the Elemental Nations yet somehow too small to be on the radar of the great powers that be.

Interrogating the "Demon Brothers", as the ambushers were called, revealed that another missing-nin, called Zabuza, was working for the crime lord/businessman.

"So let me get this straight. You live on a rather poor island that is really small, so small that it is on nobody's radar, you don't even have a ninja village. Yet, your emplacement makes you a choice place to stop when carrying good by sea, which should have made you rich yet somehow that's not the case. Alternatively, this island is the perfect place to establish a crime empire or establish a base to attack Fire Country and Konoha. In spite of all that, it is the first time in the history of Wave that such a thing happens, otherwise, you would have been either already under the domination of a crime lord or you would have been ready for Gato and would not have allowed him to strong-arm you. You would have had a militia or something, may even a contract with Konoha or Kiri. Is that all correct?" Naruto asked after an hour of Q&A.

Tazuna nodded, visibly confused. "Err, yes."

Naruto eyed him for a second then threw his arms up in the air. "That makes no sense, no freaking sense. It's like when, in a bad book, the author who has no idea about worldbuilding pieces a place together from scratch for the heroes' first adventure but the place feels and actually _is_ completely disconnected from the world. Wave Country is a sheer impossibility of History."

"Maybe it had a secret protector before but he died and now Wave is not under anyone's protection anymore?" Sakura offered.

"Doesn't explain why Konoha doesn't bother about this country when it totally should."

"Maybe this protector had some kind of genjutsu power that made people think Wave wasn't a country worth paying attention to?" Sasuke hazarded.

Silence fell on the group and for five minutes, none talked, too occupied as they were mulling their own thoughts.

"What were we talking about again?" Naruto asked suddenly. Sakura and Sasuke looked at the blond strangely before both shrugged.

"Don't remember. Sensei?"

But Kakashi was reading his Icha Icha so the three genins all whirled towards Tazuna, who was looking as if he had just woken up.

"Tazuna-san?"

"Wha?"

Naruto sighed. "I have the feeling I've just forgotten something important."

"It'll come back to you if it was," reassured Kakashi. "Now we must decide what we do. We know these two aren't the only ninjas we'll encounter and Zabuza is honestly a dangerous criminal."

"You're seriously asking that, sensei?" Sakura asked with one eyebrow raised, pointing a thumb at Naruto.

Kakashi shrugged. "Fair enough. Onward to Wave Country."

It took the group the rest of the day to reach the sea. There, they waited for morning and the fog to set for a small boat to come take them on the other side. Naruto had the impression of crossing the River of Death or something akin to it, with the low luminosity and the dense fog. Soon, however, the group arrived, its members alive and breathing, thank you very much, on a new shore.

"Welcome to Wave," whispered Tazuna.

"Why are you whispering?" Naruto asked under his breath.

"Because voices carry over in the fog?"

"Oh, right. But isn't there an echo as well? Like, even if we are heard, no one should be able to tell where our voices are coming from, correct?"

"Correct."

"So why are we whispering again?"

"Dramatics," interrupted Kakashi. "Now please, Naruto, keep silent."

The blond mumbled something but ultimately complied. The group of five walked a fair distance deeper into the land and the fog lifted progressively, revealing a lush vegetation and various exotic trees. Every once in a while, the group passed an abandoned village. The only explanation they got from Tazuna was each and every times the same: "Gato".

The sight gradually made the blond Uzumaki furious. What kind of man was that cruel to other human beings? Apart from the entire village of Konoha towards him? Also apart from the various ninja villages towards each other? Also, apart from ninjas in general? Anyway, how could that Gato inflict such suffering upon the certainly completely innocent citizens of Wave.

Okay, given they had sold part of their country by themselves, probably too enticed by promises of easy money to truly think about the consequences, they were partly to blame. Still Gato had no right to reduce them to such misery and the businessman had used illegal mean to extend his dominion over the island, as Tazuna had explained.

They were nearing a lagoon when Naruto sighed.

"Whoever is following us, you can get out and come clean."

The blond Uzumaki was only answered with the slightly worried looks of his teammates and client and the sound of the nature around them. Naruto cleared his throat.

"If you don't come out, I'm going to make you and it'll probably be painful and involve a lot of ass smacking."

The blond once again wasn't answered and Naruto sighed again, preparing himself for a fight, when the _whoosh_ of displaced air caused his entire team to go down. The blade of a massive cleaver stuck him in the chest in a terrible sound of something being folded ruthlessly.

"Ah. That was a nice sword I suppose. Sorry." Naruto apologized to the wind, looking at the ruined sword that had impacted him and broken upon his skin. "That cut through my vest though so I'm kinda mad. If you come out now, we'll solve it peacefully."

Seeing as he wouldn't be answered again, the blond snapped his fingers and suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes to the group's left. A second later, a body was thrown in the clearing the team was in.

"So, I'm guessing you're that Zabuza guy."

"What the hell are you?" The man, muscular, shirtless and covered in scars, hissed in answer as he rolled to an upright position.

* * *

Haku was baffled when the blond kid, who seemed younger than even Haku was, detected Zabuza-sama. That child, barely a shinobi, should never have been able to detect the master. Zabuza-sama was too good to be so easily discovered. Reason told Haku the boy was simply a sensor. He would be the first target to eliminate for Zabuza to work his craft efficiently. A sensor was the only type of ninja who could render the Silent Assassination Step useless.

Haku wasn't surprised when Zabuza-sama threw his cleaver at the boy. Haku wasn't surprised either by the fact the boy was unable to escape the blow: the sword was whirling fast.

What did surprise Haku, however, was the fact that the legendary Kubikiribôchô crashed against the boy and broke. Somehow.

That was impossible so Haku blinked and flexed some chakra to dispel what was obviously a genjutsu but it did not work. Zabuza-sama's sword was still laying at the blond's feet, broken, ripped and folded like a sheet of paper.

Haku heard the boy offer an ultimatum and when the master did not comply, the blond snapped his finger.

Somehow, that threw Zabuza-sama in the clearing. Feeling panic rise, Haku palmed a few senbon, ready to incapacitate the master and flee with his body. Haku was garbed in a hunter-ninja get-up from Kiri. Surely, those Konoha shinobis would suspect nothing. Haku had just forgotten a detail apparently.

Right, the blond was a sensor and capable of withstanding Zabuza-sama's sword.

A hand fell upon Haku's shoulder and the reason why the master had been thrown in the clearing was made clear: a clone. Haku swallowed, thickly.

"Huh huh, I wouldn't do anything, miss."

Haku started and reflexively threw an attack at the blond's head, who didn't even flinch when the punch impacted his cheek. Haku had the feeling of striking at armoured concrete. Seeing the futility of close combat, Haku tried to jump away but the hand the boy had on Haku's shoulder prevented any motion. With a single hand, Haku weaved through hand seals, intent on freezing the boy to death.

The boy simply put his free hand on the one Haku was using to cast the jutsu, interrupting the chain of hand seals. "I know I said _wouldn't do_ but it wasn't a suggestion really. Please stop struggling, miss."

"Stop calling me that!" Haku hissed. "I'm a boy."

"And I'm a frog. Now relax and everything will be okay, or I'm not Naruto Uzumaki."

"So," the boy in the clearing began, "you're with Gato, correct?"

"That's not important, you're going to die-"

"Please don't." Naruto interrupted. "Don't throw around threat you know full well you're not going to be able to make good on. I mean, your cleaver folded around me. Are you able to punch harder than that?"

Zabuza snorted. "You're a little genin and you think you can stand up to me? You're a sensor and you're a little tough, so what? You're from being a shinobi, _boy_."

Having said that, Haku's master unleashed his full killing intent, causing the old bridge builder to fall on his knees, choking the young girl and making the black-haired boy shiver. The blond, however, whistled, unconcerned.

"Yeah, sorry, my tenant is worse than that. You're down with your little display?"

"I'm going to take my time murdering-"

Suddenly, the boy in front of Zabuza disappeared. The air echoed with the loud boom of thunder and the soil where the boy had been standing was suddenly upturned. Haku blinked and before comprehension could dawn, the blond appeared in front of the master, fist extended and stopped a hairbreadth in front of his nose.

A gust of wind, incredibly powerful, tore the bandages Zabuza had wrapped around his mouth and neck and threw his hair backwards. Haku saw the eyes of the master water under the assault of the wind. The roar of a lion echoed in the ears of everyone present.

"Let's not make it too complicated. I'm powerful enough to kill you without trouble but I don't really think we need to go that far. How about a deal?"

Zabuza growled for a second before he relented. "What kind of deal."

"We extirpate Gato from this island, definitively, and you take your cut. Easy money."

"I can't. I have a reputation to uphold."

"You can also be dead. 'S that worth your reputation?"

Zabuza seemed to think for a second. "Okay deal. I won't achieve anything by being dead. You can release my companion now."

Naruto smiled.

* * *

**AN: As I said, crack. You might leave a review if that brought a smile at some point.**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: again, crack but it's safe for your health.**

**I think.**

* * *

Tazuna's home was a small but comfortable house where his daughter and grandson were living with him. The family of three was situated near the biggest village in Wave. The shinobis had to go through it to reach the house. Once again, all could see the cruelty of Gato and his goons, who were constantly harassing the villagers.

"You work for charming people," said Naruto to Zabuza, who shrugged.

"A man has to eat, boy. I've been raised as a killer, that's the one thing I know how to do. So that's what I do."

The blond turned to face the missing-nin from Kiri. "Have you envisioned a professional reconversion?"

"I don't think I have any skill that would translate in any other line of work."

Naruto sighed. "Fair enough." The boy slowed his walk slightly to put himself at the same level as Zabuza. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you need the money for?"

For the first time since their meeting, something that wasn't anger or disdain painted itself on the missing-nin' brow and the tall man frowned. After a few long seconds of consideration, Zabuza started to answer in a perfectly neutral tone of voice.

"Kiri is plunged in a civil war. The islands of the Land of Water have always been populated by countless bloodlines, which held power. After the Third War, those clans were weak and many thought it was the perfect occasion to ensure it would stay that way. So Kirigakure started to welcome all bloodline holders, ninja or not. It was a boon for the village, which had been greatly weakened by the war: all those new potential recruits, all gifted with incredible capacities."

"That didn't turn as planned."

Zabuza shook his head. "No. Once trained, all those dear bloodline holders decided it would be nice to take revenge against all those who had attacked them when they were vulnerable. It started to create tension inside Kiri, a division between those who supported the bloodlines in their revenge and those who opposed them." The missing-nin sighed minutely.

"What happened then?" asked Sakura in a soft whisper.

"The new Mizukage enforced a cease-fire. For a time, it went alright, until he flipped his lid. He ordered the slaughter of all bloodline holders within Kiri and the Land of Water. Many among the troops refused and the war began anew. That's when I slashed my headband." Zabuza explained with a shrug of his shoulders.

"An irrepressible need for freedom or you actually have a soft heart behind all this grim and dark appearance?"

"I will find a way to murder you, boy, if you don't shut the fuck up."

"I see, I see, denial… Typical tsundere," whispered Naruto while shaking his head.

Before the missing-nin could lunge at the Uzumaki, Tazuna interrupted them. "We're home," announced the architect.

In front of them was a two-storey house that Naruto could only describe as homey, with various decoration on its front walls - a fishing net, seashells, a few flowers. The old man knocked and the door was opened by a young, brown-haired woman who was maybe in her thirty. The worried frown she was sporting immediately melted as soon as she saw her father.

"Oh dad! Thanks to the Kamis you're back safe!" She hugged Tazuna without hesitation, despite the fact the old man reeked of cheap alcohol. After a second, the woman separated from her father and eyed the six shinobis who had held a respectful distance. A bit of worry immediately appeared again on her face. "W-who are these people?"

"Don't worry," answered Tazuna. "They are the shinobi who are escorting me."

Zabuza snorted, Naruto coughed, Sakura cleared her throat, Sasuke grimaced. Kakashi was too occupied with his book to react and Haku was too polite to.

"They will stay here for a couple of days until the bridge is finished."

"Yeah, about that," interjected Kakashi. "I think we will need to discuss a bit about what exactly we are going to do."

Tazuna nodded. "Of course, of course. Please, make yourself at home."

* * *

Night had fallen upon the little house. Seeing as it was still the home of only three people, the shinobi were all camping outside.

Team seven, plus Zabuza and Haku, were gathered around a fire and eating a few grilled fishes with some rice.

"You know," began Zabuza, "you're awfully trusting to bring me so close to my target. I could kill him before any of you could stop me."

"Nah," drawled Naruto with a shake of his head, which caused a vein to pulse on the missing-nin's forehead. "You shook on it and you don't want to die so I doubt that. Plus, you're actually not good enough."

Someone noisily breathed a mouthful of air through their teeth. "Ouch. Burned," whispered Kakashi.

"You want to bet on it, boy?" Zabuza asked, his nostrils flaring and his brow twisted in a furrow, the vein on his temple bulging from anger.

"Yeah sure," answered the Uzumaki with a shrug. "I give you the entire night, go at it for real. If the old man is still alive tomorrow when he wakes up, that's your loss. Me versus you, my team doesn't help neither does your companion."

"You have no idea what I'm capable of."

"Honestly you don't know shit about me either so that's fine. What do you propose for the price?"

Zabuza glared at the genin. "If I kill the target, you don't pursue us before five full days _after _I got the money from that fat fuck Gato."

"Alright, if I win, you go eliminate Gato yourself. That'll be less work and we'll go back to Konoha sooner." Naruto stated. "Also, Haku needs to admit she is a girl." The blond added after a second of thought.

"What? Never!" Haku immediately protested. "I. Am. A. Boy!"

Zabuza eyed his companion for a few seconds before turning back to face Naruto. "Alright, deal."

Naruto and the missing-nin shook hands as Haku was producing a strangled outcry of indignation.

"When is the go?"

Naruto shrugged. "It has already started."

In a flash, the missing-nin flickered away from the campfire and somersaulted to the branch of a tree where he immediately started weaving through hand signs. Almost instantaneously, a thick fog came to darken the falling night. Soon, the shinobi could see no further than the length of their nose.

"Fuck!" Kakashi exclaimed, "I can't read my book!"

"Hum, sensei?"

"Yes, Sakura?"

"Does… Does Naruto truly-"

"Yeah, don't worry Sakura. Naruto is very good at stealth. Very good."

"I wouldn't underestimate my master's kirigakure no jutsu. Zabuza-sama has mastered the silent killing technique to an extent never seen before."

Suddenly, there was a smacking sound, the meaty echo of flesh meeting flesh. A thud followed soon after and then, they could hear someone struggling with something and whispering, so low they could not even recognize the voice.

Bit by bit, however, the fog started to dissipate and soon, the scene was revealed for all to see.

Knocked out and tied up, Zabuza was being used as a seat for Naruto, who was still eating some leftover fish. The sight made Haku gasp, Sakura cheer and Sasuke sigh.

"You know," said the last Uchiha. "I almost wanted to see you fail. That would have meant there was something you aren't quite good at. Or at least not better than an A-rank shinobi. How are you so good?"

Naruto smiled. "I was taught by a very efficient teacher. Kakashi is excellent, after all."

Sasuke sputtered. "Y-you were taught by sensei? Why hasn't he taught us the same?!" The Uchiha protested.

"Mah, mah, Sasuke. I taught stealth to Naruto before we were even a team. And I didn't teach you because you weren't interested. All you are asking me to teach you are new jutsus this, new jutsus that."

Sasuke became red and apparently wanted to scream something but it stayed strangled in his throat. With a sigh, the Uchiha eventually shook his head. "Urgh." He said with all the dignity he was capable of.

Naruto stepped lightly over to the dark-haired boy and started poking him on his cheek. "Who's gonna ask Kakashi-sensei for stealth lessons, huh, who's gonna ask, huh?"

"Naruto, don't embarrass Sasuke needlessly. Sasuke, you need to realize a ninja's strength is not all jutsu. I know what you plan to do and jutsus alone will not bring you victory. Misdirection, planning, stealth, trap, and whatnot: you'll need all that to defeat your target."

With a whirl of his head, Sasuke tried - in vain - to bite Naruto's finger off before he sighed again. "I guess I was being an idiot, huh?"

"Focus is good but too much and it becomes tunnel vision, which is bad."

The Uchiha nodded. "I want to become as good as Naruto." He declared.

The blond smirked. "Oh really?"

Sasuke glared at the Uzumaki. "You don't think I'm capable of that?"

"Oh, nonono, no, I totally believe in you Sasuke. You don't seem to realize it yourself but you're talented. No, I just can't wait to see you go through what I went through."

"Bring it on, I'm not afraid."

Naruto smirk turned into an evil grin. "Alright then. First step."

Sasuke's glare hardened. "I'm ready."

"Get nacked."

"Oy!"

* * *

"Alright, now that Zabuza is gone to deal with Gato and that Sasuke is trying to escape our notice - Sakura stop drooling all over and trying to spot him please -, we can begin an interesting little exercise," Kakashi said as the sun was now high enough in the sky that the missing-nin had lost his bet without question.

"What have you got for us, sensei?" Naruto asked before throwing an annoyed glance at Sakura. "Bubblegum, keep at it and we will have a taijutsu match for the entire day."

Sakura paled - which replaced the dusting of pink she had on her cheeks - and coughed before she straightened herself. "Hum, Yes! Sorry sensei!"

"Glad to see you're with us. Today, I'll test your affinity. I'll test Sasuke's once he is done with his stealth exercise for the day."

"Affinity?" The pink-haired girl asked.

"Chakra affinity to be exact. It tells you what element your chakra is naturally attuned with. This makes learning the jutsus from this specific element a little bit easier than the rest."

Naruto nodded excitedly. "Cool, cool, how do we do that?"

Kakashi produced two sheets of blank paper with a twirl of his wrist and a "_tadda"_. "This is chakra paper. Channel some chakra inside and the reaction will tell you all you need to know about your affinity."

Naruto snatched one and a second later, the piece of paper was shredded to pieces.

"Strong wind affinity. Good. Your turn Sakura," said Kakashi while presenting the remaining paper to the girl.

Sakura took the sheet gingerly and channelled her chakra inside. The paper was immediately reduced to dust.

"Earth. Interesting. Sasuke is by blood either fire or lightning, even though it's rarer within the Uchiha line. We can work with that. Fire is versatile for offence and defence, lightning has a strong attack power and can be used to immobilize an enemy. Wind is the strongest attacking element and good for crowd control while earth is excellent for defence and crown control. That's rather balanced I'd say."

"So, what's the deal now, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto questioned, eager to learn something new."

Kakashi hummed for a second. "Well, normally, I'd begin by teaching you a jutsu of your element to help you familiarize yourself with it but I think this team is advanced enough for to attack the second step as well."

"The second step?"

"What we call nature transformation."

After an entire day of trying his hand at nature transformation, even Naruto was tired. Nature transformation was hard and normally a jonin-level skill meant to bolster all jutsus of the element corresponding to the nature transformation. The Uzumaki had worked alone on the task, not using any clone for now as he wanted to get a feel of the problem.

And he had concluded he wasn't particularly good at ninjutsu.

He wasn't bad by any mean and it wasn't a problem and he would totally do this nature transformation stuff but it wasn't his thing, really. Stealth had come to him naturally. He had gotten very good in a month time because he had used clones, yes, but mainly because it felt easy. Like putting on a glove. It was the same for taijutsu: Naruto was good at taijutsu because he had worked countless hours with countless shadow clones to accelerate his training but it had been easy to learn in the first place.

Ninjutsu was something he was completely average in. At least subtle ninjustu was. Learning shadow clones had been easy enough given it was basically a matter of putting chakra into the jutsu. Load and load of chakra, moulded in a very easy and straightforward way.

That was good. It meant he had a challenge ahead of him. Life wouldn't be half as fun without the challenge.

The blond was pulled out of his musing by a returning Tazuna, escorted by Haku and a shadow clone of Naruto. The original grinned at the sight of Zabuza's apprentice.

"Soooooo," began the Uzumaki. "How is it going, Totally-a-boy?"

Haku, dressed in a pink kimono, shot him a glare. Now that her chest binding had been removed, her chest was visible under the soft fabric. Her long black hair was done in a ponytail that was folded on itself and held in place by senbon.

"If my master had not ordered against it, I'd kill you." The Kunoichi spat.

"Oh, alright, alright, I just think you're a cute girl and it would be a shame to hide yourself."

"I don't need to be cute to serve my master! A tool doesn't need to be cute!" She barked back harshly.

That made Naruto recoil. "Okayyyy?" He drawled, following the silhouette of Haku as she retreated to the tents Zabuza and her were occupying. "A tool?" The blond whispered with a frown.

* * *

All six shinobis were seated at Tazuna's table. It was a large oaken table and ten people could comfortably sit around it. In the kitchen, his daughter Tsunami was finishing to cook.

"Inari!" Tazuna suddenly called. "Come down please, we're eating."

A few seconds later, a pair of dragging feet was heard coming from the staircase. A sullen boy appeared in the dining room, who glared at all present around the table. Without a word, Inari took a seat.

"So, I would like to thank you all for being here. Thanks to all of you, the construction of the bridge-"

"The bridge!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly, his fist impacting his left palm and standing up abruptly. "Ha ha! That's right, the bridge! … The bridge? … What was with this bridge again?" He asked to himself, his eyes wide and lost.

A few seconds escaped and the Uzumaki sat back down with a whine. "Kakashi-sensei, do you know how annoying it is to have something nagging you really hard and you can't find even find what it is?!"

"I know Naruto, calm down. Sorry for my student Tazuna, please continue."

Tazuna threw a glance at Naruto but seeing as the boy was apparently lost in thoughts, continued his little speech. "As I was saying, the construction will now go smoothly thanks to you being here. I expect to finish the work in a week of time. I truly thank you, you're the saviours of Wave." And having said that, the architect rose his glass full of some transparent alcohol and downed it in a single gulp. "Ahhhh, that hit the spot."

"You're all gonna die." A young voice suddenly cut through the joyous mood, freezing all the guests present.

Inari glared at all the shinobi. "You're all gonna die fighting Gato. You're no heroes and Gato is going to kill you."

"I killed Gato this morning kiddo," informed Zabuza with a shrug. "Scared his men real good too."

"You should just go home and leave us alone," continued the boy as if he hadn't heard. "You know nothing of suffering and-" The boy suddenly lost his voice.

Everyone around the table was looking at him and Sasuke was counting on his fingers.

"And you killed Gato!?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're welcome, brat," interrupted Zabuza who gestured towards Naruto who was still deep in thoughts. "It's thanks to this other brat, you know. My target was a different one before he came and…"

"And beat your ass so hard you had to kill Gato for him," completed Kakashi.

"I'm gonna kill you, Hatake."

"My cute student is going to protect me, you won't get past him! Or did you forget yesterday evening already?"

Zabuza growled, ground his teeth harshly and exhaled noisily by his nose before Tsunami rasped him on the head with a wooden spoon.

"No fighting around the table. You're grown men, behave as such. Now let's eat. Thanks for killing Gato by the way," said the dark-haired woman with a wink and a sweet smile addressed to Zabuza.

Who coughed quite violently.

Haku, as for her, was glaring at Tsunami.

"Oh, oh?" Sakura giggled before she elbowed Naruto and whispered for the boy attention. "Look at that, you idiot."

Naruto glanced about and suddenly grinned. "You're thinking what I'm thinking?"

Sakura nodded once. "Hell yes."

Sasuke eyed both his teammates before he decided not to get involved. That would be way, way too troublesome. Plus, he had his stealth training to work on, he'd be too busy to play with the two of them.

Dinner was a happy affair, with Inari even crying in thanks and hugging Zabuza, who was composing a picture somewhere between discomfort and murderous intentions. The missing-nin kept being served more food by Tsunami who was sitting next to the man. Tazuna kept laughing, from happiness at first then from too much alcohol. The only one who looked sour was Haku, who rapidly excused herself.

Naruto immediately followed after the girl, as she looked angry enough to attack the house in a fit.

Night had fallen and the Uzumaki took a second to admire the twinkling stars in the dark sky. Taking a deep breath, the boy zeroed his attention on the girl, who was sitting next to the remnants of their campfire of the day before, visibly sulking. The blond, without too much hesitation, took a seat next to her.

"What do you want?" bit out Haku immediately.

"Whoa, peace, I just want to speak to you a little," Naruto answered with both hands raised in an appeasing motion.

"I don't! Go away!"

"Really? Because I think you _need_ to speak to someone."

"Leave me alone."

"You're rather feisty for a tool," noted Naruto in a neutral tone.

This caused Haku to choke on her mounting anger. The blond boy looked at her intently and suddenly, the girl had the feeling that the Uzumaki was piercing her with his two blue eyes.

"So, what's the deal with that?"

"With what?" Haku answered grudgingly.

"With this "I'm a tool" thing you have going on? Where does it come from?"

After a few seconds of silence and seeing that Haku would not answer him, Naruto hummed. "You know, I'm supposed to be a tool too," began the blond. The Uzumaki felt the surprise of the girl sitting next to him and soldiered on. "I'm not well-liked in my village, for something I didn't even do. When it was time to choose if it'd become a ninja, though, the Hokage suddenly showed great interest in me, because of this thing. I wasn't given much of a choice. Like a tool I suppose. Tools don't choose what they do or who they serve. They are used."

Naruto focused his gaze sideways and saw that Haku was looking at him intently, with something akin to understanding shining in her eyes. The blond boy smiled crookedly. "Sounds familiar?"

Haku nodded slowly. "Yeah," she muttered, looking down. "I… Zabuza-sama found me when no-one wanted me." The black-haired girl looked up at the night sky before her gaze trailed from the stars to Naruto. "He is the reason I exist. He gave meaning to my existence. That's why I serve him. I'm his tool."

"I see. I guess where we are different is that I decided I'd cut my master. I pushed back, got some stuff out of it because, in the end, I'm human too."

"I desire nothing, Uzumaki-san."

Naruto cocked an eyebrow, a crooked grin stealing itself on his face. "Oh really? Are you sure of that?"

Haku shuddered and recoiled a bit. "Yes."

"A shame. I'm quite sure I could help you convince Zabuza to be a little nicer to you. He did ask me to free you when we first met each other after all. He must value you."

Haku shook her head wildly, her eyes widened by a storm of emotions. "No, my only worth is how I serve him." She protested.

"So you say but then you would have failed your purpose that day I dealt with you two. Following your logic, would he still keep you around?" Naruto nudged the girl's nose too fast for her to avoid it. "You're human too, someone who saved your life might be noble but you're allowed to be happy as well."

The girl had nothing to answer to that so Naruto got up and stretched and smiled wickedly. "Plus, if you were a tool, you wouldn't be jealous of Tsunami like that!" He exclaimed with mirth.

"What!?"

Naruto was already running.

* * *

A week was enough for the bridge to be finished. The entire population of Wave was meanwhile informed of the death of Gato and at the end of the week, countless people were gathered in Tazuna's town to celebrate the newly found freedom of their country.

The party lasted for the entire night and at one point, Naruto discovered he couldn't get drunk or at least, not drunk enough to roll underneath a table as the rest of the party-goers had. It spurred a vague feeling of regret to well up inside him but a very drunk Haku kissed him at this moment so all was good. The rest happened in a blur.

When it came time for team seven to leave, some guy decided to throw a party again for those everyone in Wave called their "Saviors" and so, another night of drunken excess was had. Things happened, the kind of thing that gossip would sell their mothers to know, the kind of thing that only very drunk people participate in and then forget out of retrospective shame and brain damage. Only Naruto remembered everything but said nothing.

Good blackmail material it was, that was for sure.

Ultimately, the bridge was christened "The Great Naruto and Zabuza Bridge" by Tazuna but as it was judged too much of a mouthful, the people of Wave simply took to call it "The Bridge". There was only one such bridge in all Wave anyway so confusion wasn't possible.

Tazuna swore he would build a second bridge if only to force people to use the proper name.

Back on the road, team seven was leisurely walking towards Konoha. Naruto had his little notebook out and was jotting down his observations on it. Kakashi was nursing his migraine by reading his porn book and Sasuke and Sakura were having alcohol-fuelled regrets.

"Phew," said Naruto suddenly. "What an adventure that was! I hope all C-ranks we do turn into something amazing like this one!"

No one was fit enough to provide a proper answer and so all Naruto heard were groans that would have signified anything.

"I still can't believe Zabuza married Tsunami though." The blond scratched the back of his head. "I think we went a little too hard there, Sakura."

The girl exclaimed her satisfaction loudly with a fist pump before turning green and moaning about alcohol and nausea. Sasuke, who was helping the girl walk despite his own troubles, carefully edged away.

"Haku got a father and a mother back so that's good I guess."

Kakashi suddenly giggle. "Yeah, about Haku, Naruto, I could swear I saw you two-"

Naruto whirled around and in a flash, was in front of his sensei. "You. Saw. Nothing." The blond threatened. "That's between me and her."

"Oh oh oh," burped Sakura, "so there _is _ something going on!"

Sasuke nodded drunkenly. "Yup, yup, I saw them. Good for you Naruto, she is a bombshell."

Naruto groaned. "Alright guys, let's stop there. I'm not seeing her again anytime soon and I'd have to fight Zabuza to the death to do anything. And that would not go well with Haku."

Sakura giggled. "Oh, poor Naruto. You need to do that the proper way and all, with flowers, chocolate, stuff like that!"

The blond sighed. "Not. Anytime. Soon, I said."

"Alright, alright, buzzkill." The pink-haired girl conceded. "Still, if you want to know how to woo a girl, you know who to ask!"

Naruto smiled wryly. "Yeah, thanks. I'll wait for you to be sober though. Anyways, this mission was full of surprises."

"Yes, and what a bridge." Sasuke nodded, as much to himself as to his team. "Impressive stuff, this bridge."

Naruto abruptly stopped in his tracks. The bridge! That damnable bridge! Now he knew what was wrong with it. The blond readied himself to call his teammates' attention on the matter before hesitation halted him. A few seconds of thinking later and he shrugged.

"Bah, it isn't that important," muttered the Uzumaki.

* * *

**AN: And I'm done with Wave. It's probably not my best chapter but it's Wave. Everyone wants to be done with Wave. Leave a review if you get behind the most improbable ship of all time: Zabuza x Tsunami. _That_, I'm sure, is something never seen before.**


	13. Chapter 13

As soon as Naruto awoke that day, he felt a chill run down his spine. Barely awake and grumbling, he stumbled out of his bed and directed his steps to his small kitchen.

When the instant ramen he whipped himself for his breakfast didn't cook, he knew there was a big problem. He hurriedly went to his bathroom and took a shower. As soon as he exited, dread coursed through him: his favourite, collector super-deluxe ramen poster had fallen from his wall.

What a terrible omen indeed!

He shakily turned his flat upside down to seek Method's advice but when he found the scroll, he was greeted by a short "on vacation, be back in a few" and an unresponsive mentor.

Now outright panicked, he dressed haphazardly and ran to his team's training ground, all the while thinking what in the hell was happening today. His throat strangely uncomfortable and his breathing short, he found Kakashi was already waiting for him, along with Sakura and Sasuke.

Naruto looked up to check the sky wasn't falling on their head. Kakashi wasn't early, even after shock therapy, his brother was still fashionably late, like fifteen minutes or so.

"Ah, Naruto, I'm glad you could join us. Better late than never I suppose," greeted his sensei.

The blond choked - whether it was at the hypocrisy or the fact he was late he wasn't sure - and pointed his finger at the lanky, white-haired man. "The hell is wrong with today?!"

"What do you mean, Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

The blond swivelled his head to look at the Uchiha. "My ramen didn't cook, my collector super-deluxe ramen poster fell from the wall and I'm late! This is not normal!"

The Uchiha shrugged. "It happens to everyone."

"No Sasuke, it doesn't, because everyone doesn't have a collector super-deluxe ramen poster in the first place!"

The Uchiha rolled his eyes and gave up, tunning his teammate off.

"And I can't even breath in the first place!" Naruto was saying.

"That's normal, Naruto, you put your shirt on the wrong way."

The stopped the blond in his tracks. He looked down and saw that indeed, the collar of his shirt was quite apparently the wrong way and pushing uncomfortably against his neck. Hence why swallowing and breathing was so weird.

Hurriedly, the boy turned his shirt around and took a deep breath. "Ah, so much better!" He gulped air greedily before he pointed at Kakashi again. "It still doesn't explain the ramen, the poster and why the hell you're early."

Kakashi chuckled. "I'm not early at all, Naruto. You're just an hour late."

Naruto gave his brother-figure a strange look. "What?"

"I'm telling you, we've been waiting for you for an hour already."

The blond shook his head. "Impossible, my alarm…" The boy suddenly fell silent before he smacked his fist against his open palm. "My alarm! It didn't ring like usual! This day is haunted! Are we Friday the thirteenth or what?!"

"What are you on about? The unlucky number is four, not thirteen," said Sasuke with utter seriousness.

Naruto paled. "That's it! Can't you see?! First my alarm, then my ramen, then my poster and finally my shirt! I'm haunted! My house is haunted!"

"Calm down Naruto, ghosts are not a thing," Kakashi assured in a calm voice.

"Oh yeah!? Then come to my flat and explain how it all happened!"

"We really should be training-"

Naruto crossed his arms on his chest and sent his brother a glare. "No. We are exorcising my flat first."

Kakashi rolled his one visible eye and sighed. "Fine. Team, we have a mission this morning, we'll hunt ghosts at Naruto's place. Let's go."

"We aren't really qualified to hunt ghost," remarked Sasuke.

"Ghosts don't exist, now _let's go_," Kakashi repeated in a tone that brokered no argument.

The Uchiha shrugged again.

Naruto's flat was one of many in a large building. It was a little rundown but clean place, with a kitchen-living room, a bedroom and a bathroom. A relatively comfortable place to live in for a single young teenager.

Fearlessly, Kakashi entered his little brother's flat, noted with relief it was kept clean and made a note to pay someone to refresh the paint on the walls. It took the jounin a minute to tour the little flat before he took a seat at the kitchen's table.

"Alright, Naruto."

The blond gave the shinobi a hopeful glance. "You're gonna get rid of the ghosts, Kakashi-sensei?"

"There is no ghost here. Your alarm clock is out of battery, your electric kettle is unplugged so the water in it didn't boil, hence why your ramen didn't cook properly and finally, you hung your poster too close to your bathroom and it was simply peeled off the wall by the steam. No ghost."

"No ghost?"

"No ghost, Naruto."

At this moment, Sakura couldn't hold it in anymore. She snorted.

This immediately attracted the attention of her three teammates who directed their eyes on her.

The pink-haired girl started to laugh hysterically, holding her sides as she rolled on the floor.

Naruto had to fight the urge to laugh - Sakura's laughter was pretty contagious - and frowned minutely as the seconds passed.

It was an admission of guilt if he ever saw one. Slowly, he allowed himself to laugh and the two other soon joined in, in their own reserved way.

The next day, Sakura showed up looking rather disgruntled in her orange qipao-like skirt, her orange shorts, her orange sandals and her orange headband.

* * *

"Are you still mad?" Naruto asked.

He, Sakura and Sasuke were having ramen at Ichiraku ramen. The blond was entirely dressed in blue, the girl in orange and the Uchiha in red. The dark-haired boy was brooding with a vengeance.

"Oh, com'on Sasuke, it's all in good fun." The Uzumaki tried again, nudging Sasuke with his elbow.

"You don't get it, do you?" The Uchiha grumbled. "It's all about being cool. It takes time and efforts and you _ruined_ it."

"Well, it's not like I changed all your clothes you know? You could have chosen those I didn't swap."

Sasuke threw a glare at the blond. "I have a routine and you obviously know it. You _know_ I'm never bothering with the leftmost side of my closet."

"I think red looks ok on you," interjected Sakura. She gestured to herself. "I mean look at me. I'm _orange_." She spat with disgust.

"Don't diss orange, Sakura, it's a perfectly okay colour with blue," chastised Naruto before he sniggered. "I admit though, you really don't wear it well. Guess I'm the only one awesome enough to pull it off."

"Gee, thank you, Naruto, I-"

"Boss, Boss!" A young voice interrupted Sakura before she had time to express how much displeasure she was feeling.

Naruto sighed in anticipated exhaustion. "I'm not your Boss, Konohamaru. Go bother Ebisu."

"But you're much stronger than him, Boss."

"No, I'm not."

"Who is this Ebisu?" Sasuke asked, mildly interesting in a possible way to get back at Naruto.

"No one," answered Naruto quickly.

"He is a jounin," said Konohamaru with a plaintive voice, "but he is so _laaame_."

Sasuke smirked and turned on his seat to look at the young boy who had called Naruto his "Boss" and smirked wider when he saw it was the youngest Sarutobi. The grandson of the Hokage himself.

The Uchiha nodded thoughtfully. "You know, I get why Naruto is your boss. He is so strong after all. Did you know he manhandled a jounin-level missing-nin on our last mission?"

Naruto immediately slapped his hand on the Uchiha's mouth but the damage was done. Konohamaru was looking at Naruto with twinkling stars in his eyes.

"You're going to pay Sasuke. That's not worth your wardrobe being changed," threatened Naruto in a low voice.

"Bring it on," muttered the Uchiha.

"Please!" Konohamaru squealed. "Please, please pleasepleasepleaseplease! I'll do anything so you teach me!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "You didn't even take my first lesson to heart. Can you even remember what I told you when we first met?"

The little boy scratched his head. "There's no shortcut to strength?"

"Precisely. Your teacher is as good as I would be because I would teach the exact same things as he does."

"Please anyway?" The little Sarutobi boy asked with puppy eyes.

Naruto shook his head. "No."

"Com'on Naruto, he is adorable, throw him a bone," said Sakura as she pinched Konohamaru's cheek tenderly.

"Oh really?" The blond threw the girl a mischievous glance before he cleared his throat. "Ok Konohamaru. If you can beat Sakura in a taijutsu battle, I'll consider teaching you something."

The little boy's face brightened just as Sakura made a noise that sounded like "should have thought about that". The Sarutobi eyed the girl.

"She looks weak though. And ugly. Why is she wearing orange, it obviously doesn't suit her at all. Not like you boss."

The sound of knuckles cracking caused Konohamaru to look at Sakura's face. The boy paled as he saw the veins pulsating on the girl's large forehead.

"And the fight begins now. You might want to run if you want to stay alive, Konohamaru."

With an animalistic snarl, Sakura lunged at the boy who was already running as if his life was depending on it. It was, actually.

"Sakura will kill the boy," Sasuke remarked.

Naruto shrugged. "No, she will rough him up and that will teach him to turn his tongue seven times in his mouth before he speaks." Having said that, the blond slurped on his ramen, finishing his serving quickly.

"We really should check. Sakura still has that short temper of her and she has become much stronger than she was in the Academy. Thanks to you."

"So?"

"So I'm sure I could convince the relevant people you're somehow responsible for that."

Naruto groaned and muttered about the impossibility of eating ramen in peace and that the Sarutobi were annoying and how the Uchiha were bastards. "Fine but you're paying." He said before he hopped off his stool and ran off.

Sasuke slurped his ramen. He didn't mind paying. As the sole heir to the Uchiha clan, he was filthy rich after all. He threw some Ryo on the counter and bowed his head to the two smiling cooks in thanks before he leisurely followed his crazy teammates.

Naruto easily caught to Sakura and Konohamaru only to find the little boy hoisted by his collar by a peculiar looking boy. He seemed a bit older than then and was dressed in a catsuit and had a generous layer of purple paint on his face. The strangest thing was that he was wearing a hitai-ate from Sunagakure. The blond eyed him carefully before he turned to Sakura, who he found was eying the same boy the same way.

"Why is he wearing makeup?" The blond whispered to his teammate.

Sakura started minutely. "Don't sneak up on me, Naruto, I hate that! And how would I know? Maybe he likes it?" The girl whispered harshly.

"But boy don't really wear makeup. I mean, the Sarutobi have this khôl thing around their eyes but this is taking thing a little far, no?"

"Don't question it!" Sakura whisper-shouted. "The poor boy is probably questioning his sexuality and trying thing. I didn't take you for such a close-minded boy, Naruto!"

"What?! No! He does whatever he wants but I mean, even if he wanted to be a girl, no girl ever put makeup like that, right?"

"I don't know Naruto, maybe in their country they do!"

"But look at his teammate, she is a girl and she doesn't wear this ridiculous purple paint everywhere on her face."

Said teammate, a sandy blonde with her hair done in four spiky ponytails and dressed in a rather elegant, purplish combat robe with protective mesh underneath, was rolling on the ground, laughing.

The boy was red with anger, several veins pulsating on his face. "You tree-huggers really are testing my patience. First this boy then two retards who think they are genins? I think I need to break some bones."

Naruto snorted. "Right, what you should do is let the little boy go."

"He bumped into me."

"Konohamaru, apologize to mister cat for bumping into him," ordered Naruto.

"Yes, Boss! I apologize for bumping into you, mister cat." Konohamaru shouted eagerly.

"Good, he apologized, now let him go."

The older teen snarled. "You think that's it? You make a fool out of me and you think I'll just take it? I'm no tree-hugger like you retards."

Naruto sighed. "Sasuke, I know you're in the tree. Do the cool thing before I kill this stupid bitch."

"Dammit, Naruto! It's way less cool if you reveal my presence!" A voice barked from a nearby tree.

The blond massaged his eyes. "You do it or I kill this fucker and cause an international incident!"

"Okay okay," relented Sasuke.

"You tree-huggers are-"

Before the cat-boy could finish whatever he was going to say, a rock impacted his wrist with enough force to cause him to drop Konohamaru. Before the boy could hit the ground, a gust of wind lifted the blonde's skirt, revealing rather cute, bear-themed panties. As the wind settled, Konohamaru was behind Sakura, eyes swirling from motion sickness.

"You shouldn't have shunshin-ed with the little boy, Naruto," admonished Sakura. "He is gonna puke now."

"You were going to murder him a second ago and now you're worried about his health. Women, I swear."

"It feels wrong to beat him if he is sick."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

"Don't you fucking ignore me!" The cat-boy screamed, retrieving a large package from his back. "It seems you're all in need of a lesson."

"Kankuro!" The blond girl warned. "Stop it, this is stupid."

"Let me deal with my business Temari. These runts need to be taught a lesson."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Right, and you definitely need one too, in politics to be exact. You think attacking us, ninja of Konoha, as a guest from Suna, will be looked over? You think you'll do what, rough us up a little and that will be it? You have sand in place of your brain or what? Admitting you even could beat us, you'd be arrested, then tensions would rise between Suna and Konoha, even higher than they already are, then you'd be punished but of course, Suna wouldn't be happy and tensions would be at an all-time high and then it could all degenerate into war because shinobi are really trigger happy people. So is that it? You want to start a war?"

Kankuro snarled, Temari blinked, Sakura coughed and Sasuke shunshin-ed close to the blond.

"You're overthinking things, Naruto." The Uchiha said simply.

Kankuro blinked, Temari blushed and Sakura snorted.

"You're a bastard, Sasuke," sighed the blond. "What is it with girls and gloomy brunette?" He muttered distastefully.

"I'm not gloomy. I'm cool. You should try it sometime."

"I'm going to hit you."

"Later," cut Sasuke who then eyed the Suna-nin carefully. "I'm more interested in why three ninjas from Suna are strolling in Konoha and threatening the Sandaime's grandson like they own the place."

Kankuro paled behind the purple paint. Temari sighed.

"I knew you were an idiot Kankuro but I think you pulled all the stops there," the blonde said before she inclined her head. "I apologize for the behaviour of my younger brother. He hit his head when he was young."

"Temari!"

"Shut up Kankuro. As for what we are doing here, the chuunin exams are held in Konoha. Didn't you know?"

"Pah, of course, they wouldn't, they are runts."

"Yeah, yeah, and you're dressed in a catsuit with makeup all over your face so don't start bragging." Naruto interrupted. "Alright, if you're here it means you passed the gate and if you passed the gate, your papers are in order. Don't stir up any more trouble, it won't end as nicely for you next time." The blond waved his right hand in a dismissive motion. "Oh, before I forget, tell your teammate creeping in the tree to stop it. It makes ANBU nervous when you try to sneak around in the village. I made sure of that."

This seemed to startled Kankuro and Temari but before they could recover, a young redhead boy the age of team seven appeared in front of them in a shunshin.

"G-Gaara!"

"Silence, Kankuro."

"Yes, Gaara."

The redhead riveted deranged eyes on Naruto. "What's your name?"

"Menma. For the ramen topping." The blond pointed at Sasuke. "Here is Tomato-chan and behind is Orenji."

"...You'll make a good offering for Mother," said Gaara unphased. His glare jumped from Naruto to Sasuke. "Both of you. Temari, Kankuro, let's go."

The three Suna-nin abruptly turned heels and departed, leaving behind a frowning team seven.

"This… Gaara is dangerous," remarked Sasuke.

Sakura shrugged. "We have Menma."

"True."

"Oy! I'm still here you know?!" Naruto called in a threatening voice.

"Shush, Menma." Sasuke and Sakura both answered.

* * *

Kakashi eyed the three documents he had in his hands. Three forms for his little genins to enter the chuunin exams. The opportunity to pit themselves against genins from their generation - more or less - kill a few and fight in front of various personalities who were in need of adrenaline, blood and guts but in a safe way.

The last stage of a chuunin examination was always a tournament mainly held for the viewing pleasure of those funding the hidden villages.

Actually, the examination never truly tested the participants for chuunin. Chuunin were potential team leaders. Nothing in the examination really tested leadership. Various aspects of the shinobi life certainly but never leadership.

Still, some contenders were promoted to chuunin afterwards, as Kakashi had been for example. And Kakashi's brilliant leadership had led his teammate to his death. The jounin dispelled the dark thoughts as he approached the training ground of his team.

"Hello, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura greeted.

The jounin eye-smiled at his three students. "Hello, you three. What would you say about entering the chuunin exams?"

Sasuke shrugged, Sakura looked at him for a second before she affected a pensive look and Naruto simply was nose-deep in a book.

Kakashi felt a bead of sweat drop from his forehead. "I suppose it means no?"

"Well, not really but can't we go on another C-rank instead. Or even a B-rank maybe? That would grant us more experience, wouldn't it?" Sasuke said.

"Well, the exams are a good learning experience." Kakashi countered. "You get to fight plenty of strong people who are still around your level so you don't get immediately pasted. And there's always a chance to be promoted to chuunin. With the grade come plenty of advantages."

"Mooh, Kakashi-sensei," protested Sakura with a pout, "you want to be rid of us already?"

The jounin scratched his hair. "No, it doesn't quite work that way Sakura. Becoming a chuunin doesn't mean you'd leave team seven, we would still run plenty of mission together and I'd still teach you. But you'd get to work with other people and have a little time for yourself to learn something of your choosing."

"A specialization?" The Uchiha asked.

"Yes," confirmed Kakashi. "Naruto, it would be an opportunity to focus on iryo-jutsu."

Sakura and Sasuke both gave the blond a curious look. "You want to become a medic-nin?" The girl asked, a bit incredulous.

Naruto blushed a little. "Yeah, what's wrong with that?" He challenged.

"Nothing. With what you're capable of, I thought you'd become a pure frontline fighter." The pink-haired girl hazarded.

"Well, I don't wanna."

"That's your strength, though," remarked Sasuke.

Naruto shrugged. "Where's the fun in becoming something I already am? And I want to be known for fixing people, not pasting them."

"So," interrupted Kakashi, "are you participating or not?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Give us the waivers already, Kakashi-sensei, we'll see if we go or not."

The jounin eye-smiled. "If you're in, meet me in three days in front of the Academy at nine. You have these three days to do whatever. Bye," said Kakashi before giving the three genins a two-fingers salute and shunshin-ing away in a surprise puff of smoke.

The trio coughed, inhaling the covering smoke in spite of their best efforts.

"Bastard Nii-san," groused Naruto.

* * *

**AN: The chuunin exams, _again_. I'm going to cry. Expect no suspense and Team 7 ploughing right through. Best,**


	14. Chapter 14

Naruto looked at his teammates with a critical gaze.

"Are we sure we even want to bother with this?"

Sasuke nodded. "It should be interesting. We might even have fun."

The blond shook his head. "I'm happy therapy allowed you to remember the meaning of that word but I'm not certain I would use it to describe an all-out kill fest."

"Fine, it won't be fun. But you can't deny it should be interesting to see shinobi from other villages in action."

"_Genins_," spat Naruto.

"Thank you very much for being condescending towards us, Naruto," noted Sakura in a neutral tone.

Naruto cringed. "Sorry, Sakura."

"It's not because you're jonin-level at thirteen that everyone is, Naruto," reminded the girl gently. "I'd like to know how I measure up against normal people."

The blond allowed crocodile tears to streak down his cheeks. "'Cause I'm not normal, Sakura-chan?"

The pink-haired girl vigorously shook her head. "No!" She said firmly. "You're definitely not! Tell him Sasuke."

The Uchiha sighed. "I admit, we are both progressing but it's getting tiresome to have our ass handed to us on a daily basis by you, Naruto. I'd like to fight someone I have a reasonable chance of defeating."

The blond boy rolled his eyes. "So that's what it is, an ego boost?"

Sasuke groaned. "Urgh, yes! But no! Look, just do that for us, please? I'd like to see how I measure up against people."

"But why though?"

The Uchiha groaned again. "Because we're ninjas and it's important to have a proper idea of our level," he explained patiently.

"But why though?"

A vein pulsed on Sasuke's forehead. "Because then," he ground, "we'll have an idea of what mission we can reasonably expect to succeed at."

"But why though?"

"Stop it Naruto, you're not even making sense, leave Sasuke alone," interjected Sakura before Sasuke could try and kill the blond.

Naruto sighed. "Okay, okay," he grumbled. "I suppose we can go. That'll give me an opportunity to study iryo-jutsu."

"You seem sure you can make chuunin." The pink-haired girl noted.

"Konoha and the Hokage know what I'm capable of. This is pretty much formality at this point," explained Naruto matter-of-factly.

"I didn't take you for a braggart," Sasuke said, vaguely surprised.

"I'm not," protested the blond. "Look, I've done… _Things_ that I believe qualify me for chuunin, at least in skill-level. True, I'm not sure about team-leading but well, how can I even learn that if I'm not leading a team in the first place?"

"I know you made Zabuza your bitch but is that enough?" Sakura wondered.

"I did more than that but it's a secret, I can't tell you," said Naruto, forestalling the girl's inevitable question. "Trust me, the Hokage knows roughly what I can do. Soooo… Let's go."

Sasuke sighed in relief and extended his hand. "Thanks. I'm pretty sure we couldn't participate if you didn't."

Naruto shook it. "Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it."

"Onwards!" Sakura exclaimed enthusiastically. The two boys fell in tow behind her.

Kakashi was waiting for them at the entrance of the Academy building. Naruto observed the place. He had been there so little it only evoked very vague memories. The only fun parts had been pranking Iruka and getting Iruka to chase him around and leaving notes to Iruka and basically, Naruto thought he should pay a visit to Iruka. The blond wondered if the man liked ramen.

"Hello team," the white-haired jonin sensei greeted the three genins with a wave of his hand and his trademark eye-smile. "Glad you all made it."

Sakura tilted her head. "Sensei?"

"Well, it's a team exercise."

It took a second for all three genins to deduce what it meant. Sasuke exhaled in relief once more.

"Called it," muttered the Uchiha.

"Okay," said Kakashi, doing a shushing motion with his hand before he pointed at the Academy gates with a finger. "In you go. It starts in room two-o-one. Make me proud."

"Say, Kakashi-sensei, you are of course paying for food if we all make it to the last round," affirmed Naruto with a smile.

Kakashi shuddered. "I supposed I don't have a choice?" The jonin asked, scratching his temple.

Naruto shook his head no. "Of course, you have Kakashi-sensei. If you were to do it, it would certainly show how great a teacher you are and how much you care about us. That would also be fair payment for the fact _I_, more than you, trained Sasuke and Sakura here."

The two genins nodded, pictures of perfect seriousness.

The white-haired man rolled his visible eye. "Fine but only if all three of you make it."

Naruto cracked his knuckles and looked at his teammates. "We'll choose later what Kakashi is definitely going to treat us to."

"Sure, now let's go before we are somehow late," pressed Sakura.

The three genins entered the Academy main hallway and found it almost deserted. They could, however, hear, the loud voices coming from the first floor. Slowly, Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke went up the staircase, a little wary of what could be causing the commotion.

In the first floor hallway, a gaggle of genins were shouting at two older Konoha ninja to let them enter "room two hundred one."

Naruto looked at the panel above the room, which clearly said one hundred one. The blond threw a confused glance at Sakura and Sasuke. The pink-haired girl pressed her index against her lips in a shushing gesture.

"Genjutsu," she whispered.

Naruto nodded his head once very slowly in understanding. The art of illusion had no effect on him. It basically worked by layering a zone with a thin wave of chakra modulated to affect a person's cognitive capacities by affecting the flow of chakra within the coils situated in the head. The most dangerous genjutsu could be applied to a person directly, damaging their brain.

The funny thing was that Naruto's chakra was so dense that trying to use genjutsu on him was like hoping to for a drop of water to influence the ocean. Combined with the blond's trained situational awareness, trying to fool him with such a weak illusion simply couldn't work.

The Uchiha simply pointed up and the trio got to the second floor without any problem.

"Two hundred one," read Naruto. "Never been there, now that I think about it. All classes happened on the ground and first floor."

Sakura scratched her head. "Yeah, now that you mention it… Maybe there are lessons given here to higher-level ninjas? You can still learn even if you're chuunin or jonin, I guess."

"Would make sense," approved Sasuke.

"Yeah… Anyway, let's go in?"

The classroom was chock-full of genin teams leaking killing intent at each other in between rows and rows of desks. Naruto felt sweat gathering on his forehead.

"A test?" The blond whispered harshly.

"What?" Sakura started, looking at the boy.

Naruto pointed at the desks. "These can mean only one thing: they are going to give us a _written_ test." The blond pouted. "I'm not sure I want to be a chuunin."

Sakura choked before she giggled in her hand.

"Afraid you're going to flunk it?" Sasuke taunted, his voice barely more than a whisper.

Naruto's retort was interrupted by a boisterous call. "Hey, you guys made it too!"

Kiba Inuzuka, feral-looking like the rest of his clan, with ref fang-like marks on either cheek and the slitted brown eyes of a canine, swaggered towards them.

"Wasn't sure if you would have the guts to show up!" The boy exclaimed laughingly.

"Sasuke, why didn't we go take a B-rank? We could be away from this loud-mouthed individual right now."

"Endure it, Naruto, you're a ninja."

"Oy! I'm here you know! And don't dismiss me like that, my team and I will show you who's better!"

Naruto cleaned his ear with his pinky. "You said something Kiba?"

While the boy seethed, a taller dark-haired boy, his face hidden by the collar of his jacket and the dark sunglasses he was wearing, had approached them along with a shy-looking girl with blue hair and the moon-white eyes of the Hyuga clan.

"That is quite the diversion technique you possess, Uzumaki-san."

"Hello, Aburame-san. Those are quite the sunglasses you are wearing."

Meanwhile, Sasuke bowed lightly to the girl. "Hinata-san."

She answered with a similar bow. "Sasuke-san."

Sakura did the same.

"You guys are here too?" A voice drawled from behind. "That is such a drag. Why am I here again?" A boy, his dark hair done in a pineapple-looking ponytail, eyes slanted in a bored look and shoulder sagging, complained. Behind him, a pale blonde with jade-blue eyes and a heavy-set auburn-haired boy were following.

"Hello Shikamaru, Ino, Choji." Naruto waved.

"Hey, the newbies."

Naruto swivelled around and saw an older white-haired, glasses-wearing male approaching them with a friendly smile on his face. The boy was wearing a Konoha headband.

"Hello, unknown person approaching us," greeted the blond.

This seemed to surprise the boy for a bit before he regained his countenance. "Ah, yes, well, the name's Kabuto. Hello." The white-haired genin shook his head. "I just wanted to say, maybe you should be a little quieter." The boy pointed behind him at the assembled teams, who were glaring at the youngest rookies with murder in their eyes.

Naruto gazed around with a deadpan stare. He shrugged. "Those guys are small fries. Honestly, except the one with the love carved on his forehead and the Kusa kunoichi, they are well below notice."

The killed intent doubled in intensity at the insult dished out by the blond but Naruto shrugged it off and chuckled.

"You all will have to do much better than that," he said clearly enough for everyone to hear him. "I'm fear two things in life," Naruto announced.

The hostility momentarily receded, replaced by curiosity.

The blond boy frowned at the stares he was receiving. "What? You can't expect me to tell you my fears," he deadpanned, causing a drop of sweat to appear on the assembled genins' forehead. "Anyway, I fear two things and none of you come any close to one of these. So, meh."

Having said that, the blond turned his back to the room. Kabuto chuckled. "Well, you have guts but it was stupid."

Naruto cocked his eyebrows up. "Why is that?"

"You made an enemy of the entire room."

The blond pointed at his two teammates. "They want a good fight, I just prepped the terrain for them. Now, they are guaranteed we'll be sought after."

"Geez, Naruto, so thoughtful. If I die, it's your fault and I'm haunting you," declared Sakura.

"Relax, my heart isn't so completely dried up and dead that I would let you kick the bucket yet. You've been diligent in your training under me so you get a by for the duration of the exams."

"Well, confidence is all good but still," interjected Kabuto. "I'd like to help you. You're ballsy, I like that."

"Help us," wondered Sasuke. "What do you want in exchange?"

The white-haired teenager smiled. "Wary, aren't we? We're both ninjas from Konoha. Let's say I'm just helping rookies out of the goodness of my heart."

"What do you have?" Shikamaru asked, curious if there was a way to make this drag both faster and easier. He was missing on cloud-watching and he could feel his levels of laziness run dangerously low. That wouldn't do for a Nara to actually exert himself.

Kabuto flipped a card in-between his fingers. "These are info cards, containing intel on participants. Look, it's the one for Uzumaki-kun."

On the card, there was a list of all missions achieved by Naruto, organized by rank and a multiple-axis diagram showing his abilities.

Naruto saw his taijutsu and stealth were noted to be through the roof. The blond scratched the back of his head; was there a record somewhere detailing his abilities like that or had Kabuto been spying on them? The boy searched in his mind and admitted that such information could be stored somewhere in the Hokage Tower.

Assuming it was, there was no reason Kabuto could access them. Which meant the white-haired boy had spied on him. It was not very friendly, considering they both were Konoha ninjas.

"Do you have one on the red-haired dude with love tattooed on his forehead?" Sasuke asked.

Kabuto smirked. "Ha, Sabaku no Gaara, a big fish." The teenager flipped through a deck of cards and choose one. One it, there was a picture of Gaara, his mission record and a diagram with his capacity.

There was absolutely no way the white-haired teenager could have legally acquired intelligence on a Suna-nin mission record and abilities. Konoha and Suna were allied but it wasn't a happy marriage at all. Naruto narrowed his eyes. Kabuto was a spy. The question now was, who was the older boy spying for?

Sasuke searched for Naruto's eyes and the two boys had a quick silent conversation. The Uchiha nodded imperceptibly.

"You have intel on who is participating?" Ino Yamanaka, the blond girl in Shikamaru's team was asking.

"Yes, of course. Well, you wouldn't be interested in Konoha but I have cards on Suna, Ame, Taki. Well, there is this new village named Oto but they are new so I don't have much on them. They are rather weak."

Not even had Kabuto finished speaking that one genin wearing a headband bearing a musical note dashed at the teenager and took a swing at him. Kabuto clearly dodged but there was a faint ringing and the white-haired boy stumbled backwards, his balance shot.

"Oto is weak, huh?" The genin growled. "Well, Oto is going to _crush_ you."

Before anyone could answer anything to that, a voice boomed in the room. "Alright maggots, silence!" A tall man dressed in an ugly grey jacket bellowed with all the might of his admittedly powerful lungs. "My name is Ibiki Morino and I'm the head proctor of this first exam."

The room was silent. Naruto was carefully combing his hair back to a normal position.

"Take a seat. Quickly!" The man hollered again, causing the genins to sit down in a hurry.

"Good, now here are the rules."

Basically, the first part of the exams was a team exercise. Every genin was given a test. Each team started with five points in common. If any member was caught cheating while answering the test, one point was subtracted. Reaching zero meant elimination. A tenth final question would be given ten minutes before the end of the test.

Naruto eyed the paper he was given very carefully. Slowly, he read all the questions to make sure he was fully understanding them.

They were impossible. He wasn't book smart, he could admit to that but he _was_ undeniably good at math and history and he could answer absolutely none of the questions. The test was rigged. Cheating was necessary.

Around him, the proctors lining up the walls were calling out teams, ordering them to get out of the room.

Now that he was thinking about it, cheating was encouraged. But it was in no way _necessary_. Naruto could full well not answer any question, he concluded after reviewing the rules of the test. After all, the proctor in the ugly grey vest had never said that points would be deducted from the final score if questions were left unanswered. He had never actually ordered them to _do_ the test in the first place, only told them that points would be subtracted if he and his assistants caught anyone cheating while completing it.

To not move was the smartest move.

Next to him, Naruto saw Hinata activate her Byakugan. The blond wasn't sure what the eyes could do but apparently, seeing through things was possible for Hinata, as she started to complete her test. The girl quickly completed her paper and looked his way shyly. She took three deep breaths, seemingly trying to say something each time and thinking better of it.

"Do you want to copy my test?" She eventually whispered, so meekly the blond almost didn't hear her.

"Nah, I'm good, thanks," answered Naruto in a normal tone.

Hinata blushed, swallowed thickly and opened her mouth before she sighed.

"You okay Hinata?"

The girl started to hyperventilate and now, Naruto was worried. "Alright, Hinata, slow breathing, you're going to faint otherwise. Focus on my voice-"

"Konoha Team seven, you're out," called a proctor.

Sasuke and Sakura both groaned in disappointment.

"That's it Hinata, slow breathing, you're okay, it's gonna be alright," Naruto continued, ignoring the proctor entirely.

"Team seven from Konoha, I said you're out!" The proctor bellowed, next to Naruto.

"Shut up dude, I'm busy here!" The blond howled back before he turned back to Hinata. "Good, good, Hinata, peace, calm."

Suddenly, the blond felt a hand grab his vest. Naruto immediately swivelled in his chair to find himself nose to nose with the proctor. "What is it?" The blond asked, confused.

"You. Are. Out."

"Oh, that. Right. Well, make me."

"What?"

"You want me out of the exams? Make me."

Chakra flared around the proctor and he used full-chuunin strength and speed to lift Naruto.

Who didn't budge an inch.

"I'm waiting." The blond drawled.

With blinding speed, the chuunin moved, ready to strike Naruto's neck with the edge of his hand.

There was a meaty slap, a gust of wind and a shower of mortar and plaster and suddenly, the proctor was embedded in the room ceiling, unconscious.

"Whoa, gotta be careful there bud," said Naruto as he looked up, fake worry evident in his voice. "There is a guy in the room hitting pretty hard apparently."

Another proctor rose from his seat but was stopped by Ibiki. "Drop it. Team Seven can stay."

The chuunin threw a questioning glance at the grey-clad head proctor but the tall man simply shook his head.

Ibiki couldn't follow Naruto's motions as he socked one of his men into the ceiling. Ibiki was a jonin and the head of the counter-spying department of Konoha. Which meant he knew Kakashi had been put in the hospital by this very "genin". Ibiki wasn't especially willing to risk a trip to the hospital to uphold the supposed fairness of this first exam.

After all, they were ninjas. If the kid could beat his opponents into submission, it was a valid tactic.

Other teams became less careful in their cheating, obviously convinced they could try the same tactic as Naruto if they were caught. Unfortunately for them, they were real genins and the chuunin quickly ousted them. When the time came for the tenth question, there were only a few teams left.

"Good," whispered Ibiki before he rose his voice. "Good. Are you ready for the tenth question?"


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: nonsense.**

* * *

"Are you ready for the tenth question?"

The room tensed, save Hinata who had fainted in spite of Naruto's best effort and Naruto who was doodling on the girl's face, decorating her cheeks with whisker-like marks similar to his own.

"Now, there is an additional stipulation for this question," said Ibiki, suddenly looking dark and menacing. His voice turned to a threatening growl and outside, dark clouds amassed out of nowhere while somewhere, a trumpet played three descending notes in a minor tune.

"If you take it and you fail to answer correctly, you will be barred from ever entering a chuunin exam again."

"What?! You can't do that!"

"Damn well, I can! All your villages agreed to this stipulation and-"

Not paying attention at all, Naruto was darkening the tip of Hinata's nose with his pen while humming a nursery rhyme about three little kittens up to mischief. Meanwhile, a tense, heavy silence fell on the room as the various teams left were pondering whether or not they were going to take the question or not.

From one of the pockets of his jacket, the blond boy got a pair of cat-ears and delicately placed them on top of Hinata's head. Someone choked while a distinctly feminine "d'aww" could be heard by all in the room. A vessel pulsed on Ibiki's forehead.

"Uzumaki! Are you taking this remotely seriously?!"

Naruto cringed and retracted his head in his shoulders before he hurriedly shushed the tall man. "Shut it you brute!" The blond whisper-shouted. "As for your question, absolutely not! I'm secure enough in my abilities that I don't need to have it confirmed to me by a rank. I'm only here because my teammates wished for me to be. So now, stay silent or you'll wake up Hinata," he scowled.

Ibiki palmed his face and sighed.

"Look at her, isn't she adorable in this get-up? She is as shy as a kitten. For a ninja, it's not ideal but just imagine her for a second in a maid-cafe! She'd be a killer." Naruto gushed in a low voice.

Ibiki threw his hands up in the air and muttered something as all the assembled male genins got a nosebleed as their imagination was momentarily allowed to run wild.

"Alright, you all pass, just get away from here," groused Ibiki in defeat, seeing as the candidates were too interested in seeing how Naruto would further groom Hinata to be tense about the tenth question.

It was at this point that one window exploded. Carried by two kunai, a package was pinned to the blackboard behind Ibiki and unfurled to reveal a banner.

"The great and sexy, Anko Mitarashi!" Someone exclaimed, to the indifference of all as the genins were too busy watching the fainted Hinata, the chuunin too busy chuckling and Ibiki too busy leaving the room.

"Well, come on, the sexy Mitarashi! No? No one?" The voice asked in disappointment. "Oy, you brats, next proctor here! Maybe you should listen to me if you don't want to be disqualified! Plus, it's rude!"

This got the attention of everyone in the room and they all looked at the newcomer, a purple-haired woman with a spiky ponytail, a dango stick in her mouth and a very provocative attire essentially made of almost see-through mesh cloth covered by a trench-coat and a tight skirt.

The majority of the assembled male genins got their nosebleed going once again at the sight.

"Good, now that I have your attention, let's discuss a few things. You'll meet me tomorrow morning at six in front of grounds forty-four. There, I'll wait for you and provide further instructions. You're dismissed!"

Slowly, the genins got up until the ones left in the room were teams seven and eight. Kiba was trying hard to staunch the blood spilling from his nose. The tall Aburame held up a hand, his fingers separated two and two in a v-sign.

"We are here to retrieve our comrade. We thank you for taking good care of her." The boy said slowly.

"Oy, Shino, I ain't an alien. And don't try to pretend you aren't blushing behind that collar of yours, I can see if from here."

"Dude, the vision of Hinata in a maid-suit, too strong dude," droned Kiba dazedly.

Sakura was eying the blond with a disapproving look. "Hinata isn't a doll, Naruto, leave the girl alone."

"Sakura, don't you think she is cute?"

"Urgh, what is she, your daughter? Cut it out Naruto and let's go," admonished the pink-haired girl. "And leave Hinata with Kiba and Shino," she screamed in exasperation as the blond motioned to carry the fainted Hyuga with him.

"Fine fine, you can keep the girl," groused the blond before his eyes shone with a dangerous kind of fire. "But mark my words!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly with a fist-pump. "Someday, Hinata no maid-chan will be mine!"

"Shut up you nerd, let's move," said Sasuke as he grabbed the blond by the collar and started dragging him out of the room.

The three members of team seven were out of the Academy when Sasuke stopped suddenly, swivelled his head and stared furiously at Naruto. "What the hell was the big idea anyway?!"

Naruto and Sakura both started.

"Hum, Sasuke?" The girl tried, only to be ignored by the fuming Uchiha.

"Hinata is obviously a bunny! A _bunny_!" The dark-haired boy bellowed at Naruto as if it were, one, a most obvious truth and two as if Naruto had committed a grave offence before turning tail and stomping off.

"What?" The pink-haired girl watched the boy depart before she ran after him. "Wait, Sasuke! Then what am I?"

"_You _are the cat!" Came the distant voice of Sasuke to a dazed Naruto.

"Sasuke," whispered the blond. "You're a true genius."

* * *

The next day, the genin teams still competing in the exams were gathered at the fenced entrance of a forest. To the side, helpers had set up a tent and Anko Mitarashi was standing in front of it.

"Alright maggots! The rules are simple. There are two types of scrolls, white and black. You get one and the goal is to get another of opposing colour. You have five days to do so and it's going to happen here!" Anko pointed a thumb at the forest. "The Forest of Death!" She exclaimed ominously.

"Ooh, sho shcaaawy, pwease, mommy hold me!" Naruto whined, doing a strange, undulating dance with his entire body.

A kunai whistled through the air, sailing straight at Naruto. The knife seemed to _phase_ through the blond and nearly killed the Kusa-kunoichi behind him, impacting her shoulder instead. The girl hissed and a long tongue lashed out of her mouth and around the handle to get the offending piece of metal out.

Naruto looked behind him at the Kusa-kunoichi and scratched the back of his head, offering her an apologetic smile. "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but someone is throwing dangerous stuff around. Surely a child left without supervision."

Another knife sailed at Naruto, twice as fast but the blond tilted his head exactly right to avoid it and it once again nailed the same Kusa-nin, in her other shoulder this time.

The blond swivelled his head around and glared at Anko. "Oy, you lunatic, stop throwing your kunai around if you don't know how to aim them. Fucking no good kunoichi! What's the big idea anyway?"

The woman was too stumped by the fact a genin had avoided two jonin level throws to answer anything.

"Hey! I'm talking to you proctor-san!"

Anko blinked and snarled. "Shut your mouth kiddo if you don't want out! And have some respect for the forest!"

"I totally respect it, it's just nowhere near as scary as you want to make it seems," Naruto dismissed with a wave of his hand.

"Oh yeah? It has giant tigers, blood-sucking leeches, poisonous plants and venomous snakes and spiders, the last the size of your head," Anko enumerated, causing the surrounding genins to go pale. "You sure you'll be fine?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Please, the giant tigers are nice once you get to know them. They just want friends to play with." The boy explained in an obvious tone of voice as if he were teaching someone how to take care of kittens. "Of course, I had to smack them around a bit because they kept trying to do their claws against my trusty rock but other than that, they are pretty nice."

The jaw of the purple-haired, loosened by the blond's matter-of-fact tone was now hanging completely open. Her eyes glazed over for a second before she clicked her mouth shut, blinked, shrugged and decided whatever had been said had never been said.

"As I was saying," coughed Anko. "You have five days to get the scroll of opposite colour and be at the tower at the centre of the forest. With _all_ of your team. _Alive_. Anything less means you'll be out."

"How are we gonna eat?" Choji asked worriedly.

"There's plenty of food in the forest," answered Anko. She smirked. "Also plenty of predators."

"You mean this dude's pets?" Someone in the crowd asked.

A kunai flew, nailed the impertinent and team six of Ame was eliminated.

"Now, get in the tent to get your scroll and be at the entrance assigned to you. Also, sign the waiver."

"The waiver?" A genin from Oto asked.

"Yeah, so if you die, it isn't Konoha's fault," Anko smiled sadistically.

* * *

The shadows cast by the trees were nice and cool compared to the crushing heat radiated by the sun. Team Seven was walking leisurely on a small trail made by the passage of animals.

"So, how do you want to play it?" Naruto asked his two teammates as he folded a shuriken on itself and pressed the piece of mistreated metal in-between his palms to form an almost smooth sphere of metal.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked while observing the forest around him, carefully ignoring the fact his teammate was handling steel as if it were simple clay.

"Well, you two were the one who truly wanted this to fight some other guys so it's more your exam than mine. so I'm asking you how you want to do it. Ambushing, searching loudly, walking around?"

"Hm, if it isn't too much to ask, I'd like to see the tigers," said Sakura a bit shyly. "Apart from that, I really don't mind so Sasuke, you chose the strategy."

"Are you sure you're not being lazy?" The raven-haired boy asked the girl with a suspicious glance.

"No! I'll give you my input but I've no preferred strategy. I think Naruto should keep the scroll but that's it."

"Yeah, that's obvious."

"But that'll make me a target!" The blond protested.

Sasuke shrugged. "If _you_ are in danger then Sakura and I are dead anyway so meh."

"Fine," grumbled the boy, "but I want some ramen."

"You always want ramen," retorted Sakura with a small smile.

"That's true!" Naruto exclaimed with a large smile.

"Alright, let's be serious a second," interrupted Sasuke. "Ambushing other people would make sense but then again if everyone does that we won't get anywhere. I say we take to the trees, at least we'll have the high ground."

"Then?"

"Then we look for other teams and we get their scroll."

"Sasuke."

The tone of Naruto's voice stopped the raven-haired Uchiha cold in his track. The boy swivelled his head and looked at the blond, who was giving him a cold gaze.

"You know what that means, right?"

"Naruto?" Sakura's voice trembled from the intensity of the blond's stare. The boy shifted his eyes from Sasuke to her.

"Sakura, it concerns you too. If we want another team's scroll, it means we'll have to fight. I'll take care of my opponent but you and Sasuke… You'll possibly have to kill them."

The girl shuddered but nodded firmly. They had been educated for years on how killing was a necessity of ninja life so she knew she'd have to do that at some point. Sasuke shrugged.

"I'm familiar with death."

Naruto sighed. He was strong and he could afford to show mercy but his teammates did not have this kind of luxury. Against an opponent of similar strength, they would have to go all out and this would end in someone dying. And Naruto would make sure it wouldn't be Sasuke or Sakura. "Alright."

Team Seven continued to trail around the forest, this time jumping from one tree to another, their awareness pushed to the max.

Suddenly, two copies of Naruto appeared next to the original. One tackled Sakura downwards, another flew backwards while the true blond lept to the side with Sasuke in his arms.

The branch they should have landed on was torn to shred a second later by a whirlwind of invisible blades.

"That's quite humiliating," grumbled the Uchiha from under Naruto's arm. "Plus, I had it."

Naruto let the boy go but not before sending him a look that said all that he was thinking of Sasuke's boast.

The Uchiha rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, I didn't _quite_ have it but I'm getting better."

"Yup, you are. Well, training sensing abilities when one isn't born a sensor isn't easy."

"I really need to get my Sharingan under control. I could have seen the attack coming."

"Well, you don't have it so there's no use making plans like that."

"Kukuku," a male voice interrupted, laughing creepily. "You _don't_ have the Sharingan Sasuke-kun? How very _disappointing_."

Both Naruto and Sasuke looked at the girl. Man. Thing? The individual who was standing on a tree branch slightly above them. They looked like the Kusa-kunoichi who had been wounded twice by Anko but there was something wrong with her. It wasn't even physical but the dissociation between the body and the voice was truly creepy.

"Kukuku?" The blond deadpanned. "Really? Do you also want a board where you have "I'm a villain" written on it?"

Sasuke recoiled slightly. "Yeah, and where do you get off being so familiar with me? "Kun", really? So _disrespectful_."

"True, true, very rude," nodded Naruto sagely.

"Fucking brats, I'll teach you to respect your betters," the individual snarled. "If you don't have the Sharingan, you're useless to me."

"Good!" Sasuke exclaimed. "I didn't want to be useful to you any-"

Naruto jumped away from their branch, Sasuke once more safely under his arm as the individual smashed the tree they were in.

The blond looked at the enemy ninja with narrowed eyes. "Mind telling us exactly why you are after Sasuke's eyes? Who are you even?"

"That would be none of your business, brat. He doesn't have them anyway," the ninja spat before mumbling. "But still, the potential is he-"

He was interrupted by an acorn impacting his forehead. Painfully. The little nut shattered against the bone of his skull and pierced the skin.

"I'm talking to you, you rude son of a bitch," explained Naruto patiently, "and I like _answers _when I ask _questions_."

"I'm Orochimaru. And I'm going to kill you first." The man - Orochimaru was supposed to be a man according to Naruto's history lessons - answered before he lunged.

The blond winked at Sasuke, swayed _under _the branch, sticking to it with chakra and launched the Uchiha away from him as Orochimaru punched down.

Naruto and the branch exploded in a cloud of smoke and wood splinters while the true blond escaped a shunshin next to his aggressor, fist already rocketing towards the traitor's midsection.

"I'm Naruto, a pleasure to meet you."

Orochimaru was sent careening through a tree. And another. And a third. The fourth one stopped the man's momentum completely before it folded on itself. The man fell to the ground, apparently dead. And flabby and flat and fraying like an old piece of bad quality cloth.

In the corner of his eyes, Naruto could see the traitor higher up in the trees, looking winded and slimy and male. The blond scratched his head.

"Do you have a supply of bodies somewhere?"

Orochimaru answered by unhinged his jaw and vomiting a sword from his throat. His tongue wrapped around the handle before the blade was launched at Naruto with blinding speed.

The blond stopped the sword dead in its course to skewer him by pushing his right index finger against the tip. With mild fascination, Naruto looked as his skin was cut. He hadn't been wounded in a while. He smiled.

"You have an interesting tool here." He said as Orochimaru reeled his sword back to him with shock clear for all to see in his eyes.

The yellow, serpentine orbs widened when the boy escaped reality.

The blond phased out of a shunshin almost too fast for the traitor to register and punched. Orochimaru swerved left and right, escaping Naruto's attempt to strike him by a hairbreadth. Slowly, the man's speed seemed to catch up to the blond's and after a minute, the traitor started to counter-attack.

Dancing to a deadly tune, the two struck at each other in a blur of movements, a flurry of steel and incredible acrobatics. Naruto kept intercepting the blade with the flat of his hand, tilting his body just enough to avoid being pierced while answering each attempt on his life by equally deadly punches to vital areas.

The one thing that was out-of-place was the wide smile the boy was sporting. It was getting wider and wider as he and Orochimaru traded blows, as they ducked, swung, jumped, slid, thrust and lunged. It was getting brighter and brighter as the forest around them was destroyed, reduced to splinters, peeled to dust by the strength of their assault and otherworldly sharp winds.

Suddenly, the two fighters broke apart. They had created a clearing in the middle of the forest. Around them, trees were uprooted, reduced to sawdust or even burning. Naruto whistled.

"Pheew, you can hold your own!" The blond exclaimed with enthusiasm. "I didn't know fighting could be this fun. And I was quite serious even!"

"What the hell kind of genin are you?" Orochimaru asked warily in return, although there was an audible ounce of curiosity in his voice.

Naruto scratched the top of his skull. "What do you mean? The kind who has a team, train and goes and mission, why?"

"How did you get so strong?" The traitor asked patiently.

The blond shook his head. "Nuh huh, not telling, it's a secret. The fight was fun but you're still a traitor and I'm a ninja," Naruto sighed. "I guess we'll have to cut it short."

"What?"

The blond rolled his eyes. "Orochimaru, under the law of Konoha you're under arrest. Surrender or be killed immediately."

"I don't think so.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Too bad. Orochimaru, in the name of Konoha, bla bla bla, sentenced to death."

The traitor shunshined fast, faster than he had during the previous engagement. His blade at the ready, he motioned for his sword to pierce the boy's left eye and through it, his brain.

Naruto looked straight at him, following his motions without a problem, and yawned before he retrieved a small ball of steel from a pocket. Dread invaded Orochimaru and he desperately flexed his chakra, opening his mouth wide as the boy calmly placed the pebble between his index and his thumb as if to flick it.

"Adamantine cannonball of great punishment, deadly serious."

The sphere of steel was accelerated from a still position to ten per cent of the speed of light in under one-thousandth of a second. The sound barrier broke with a bang. A streak of melted metal surrounded by plasma and white-hot air pierced Orochimaru through his head, obliterating his brain and spearing the back of his skull before continuing infinitely in the sky, beautiful particles returning to the vast expanse of space.

Naruto watched as the corpse, once again looking weirdly hollow, fell to the ground. The boy closed his eyes for a second but sensed nothing. Orochimaru was gone for now. He shrugged.

He kinda hoped the dude-gal would come back a bit stronger. It had been a good fight. He hadn't know ducking it out with someone who could more or less follow was that exhilarating. Crouching, Naruto took the black scroll that complimented his team's white.

Now they could advance. Though he supposed Sasuke and Sakura would want to fight a little first.

"What the shit Naruto!" The aforementioned girl screamed from her safe space up in a tree.

* * *

**AN: See? Told ya.**


End file.
